The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

My Purpose: Now- For Such A Time As This

My heart is burdened tonight with the spirit of this University. My mind is flooded with so many thoughts and questions, so many feelings. Especially toward our response to the sexual assaults that have occurred. God, my heart truly breaks for what has happened to these individuals and I wish so badly that there was something tangible that I could do to help. So many have placed these walls around their hearts and I feel as though I keep running into them. I understand the self defense mechanisms in that, but I also understand the sin. The arrogance and pride that come with a hardened heart make me sick. I know that there is a lot that is unseen, so much that is a spiritual war raging around me, and I can't help but to believe that I've been placed here for such a time as this!

The atmosphere on this campus is so upsetting. So many students who feel the need to party and fill there lives with so much idolatry. The liberal mindset that tells us we are free to think and do whatever we want when we want... well we are paying for it dearly! We have set ourselves up for this! Why can't we take responsibility for our own actions, for our own sins?!

We have so many people living in fear right now. Crazy because I have felt that fear- I walked the streets of downtown LA and prayed the whole time, afraid for my life! God gave me peace... and protection. Tonight, like so many nights, I walked across campus alone, late at night, and even here- to be honest, I have felt that fear. But not tonight. Even with what has happened as of late, even with the knowledge about the dangers that we should be aware of- there was no fear. Only heart break and the voices of so many girls who are upset over "society" making us this way, making us afraid. Maybe it is society, but it is individuals that make up society, and each individual plays a role in some way or another. My fear in the past came as a result of nearly being taken advantage of, but I stood my ground. I had a voice.

Now My heart aches to think of the girls who might not have had a voice... who had perhaps been drugged or silenced in some other fashion, But this drug ridden culture here in this city has made it so easy! I've found that I'm realizing, in perfect timing- now more than ever- that I have authority over darkness. I have authority over this spirit here. Over the many spirits that choose to manifest themselves over this campus and create the oppression. The hope we have is in the promise that Jesus will trade our brokenness for something beautiful- beauty for ashes. God, I just pray that you would give me wisdom on how to be a light here. How to be a voice and a witness to the hurting and the broken. Every where I go- to my dorm, my hall, my building, my classes, all across campus!

It blows my mind to think that God looked into eternity- down the tunnel of time- and strategically placed me at the University in this season. He knew that I would be enrolling at this specific time, in this moment, created for such a time as this! Truth is, any of us that claim your name have that same authority and it's time that your army of saints begin to rise up and fight on behalf of the lost and the broken here in this city and on this campus! Now, with a new level of freedom, a new found confidence in who I am, and the authority, identity and purpose I have in Christ, I know that God has got something crazy in the works here! Jesus, I only hope we see your Spirit's leading.