Learning the Art of Self Love

There is something about music that transports me. It does something to my brain and to my body that is unexplainable. Honestly. Now as I listen to the live music filling the spaces of my favorite coffee shop, I am nothing short of mesmerized. I sit pensive and full of thought with a simple smile painted across my face, my thoughts shift to to dreams and all that they encompass. Dreams of someday being able to sing and play music like this. Wondering if I ever really will.

I know after years of hoping this dream will never really die. Yet I have filed it away to make space for the dreams and passions that are relevant to my life in this season. There are some dreams that some days just have to take priority. At this point in my life I recognize that. But it doesn’t keep those dreams from awakening in the night seasons or from crying out to the sound of the voice calling from the deepest places within me. Among these dreams is the hope for a future with a husband and a family. I know that I can be satisfied in God. In this sense, these dreams are not a need, but rather desires. There are so many examples of brokenness and a fall from grace in what God had originally intended of love. Some days that brokenness is enough to keep me from hoping. Yet, some days in the light of that love, hoping seems to be all I can do. Still some days I can be so filled with love’s origin that I know I will want for nothing. 

In this moment with the reverberations flowing out from the acoustic guitar and the vocal chords of the man behind the microphone, the depth of what he is feeling and has felt upon writing the very words he now sings spills over me and into my core. I smile, although my eyes are bright with tears. I once again begin to dream that someone, someone like the many examples of what a future might be, someone that will see me in spite of myself finding the beauty that God has painted in the shades of pink across these lips, curved into gentle smile. There is beauty and intention found in the perfect pieces of color that our creator hand-picked to scatter into my hazel irises. 

Perhaps the longing that begins leaking out at the sound of the notes filling this downtown coffee shop, is not for some maybe stranger to recognize this being for what it is.. Perhaps it is rather for me to realize the gentleness and passion that has crafted me for what I am: a vessel that might hold such beauty, that could carry and release love’s origin within myself. I can be loved, because I was first loved by my creator. I can become an embodiment of this love as I learn to receive that love as freely as it is given. There is no containing such love.

We do this to ourselves

To be honest, I am not expecting anyone to read this. I don't really care. I am writing mainly for the reasons that I always write... because I am consumed and in the hopes that there is a chance it might encourage someone who is walking through a similar season. Whether that is joy, or sorrow or love or adventure... I feel deeply. So therefore I write. It is and always has been my greatest outlet. I just wanna be real and get a few things off my chest. I am struggling. I know that I am blessed, there are so many reasons to be rejoice and I am thankful, but life just gets hard sometimes and there is no explanation for it. I am finding that when I stop being happy... people withdraw. When I admit to how much darkness I am wrestling with beneath the surface, it seems like the whole world goes silent. Then comes the vicious cycle of pushing away the people who are trying to reach out, all the while wanting so badly for someone to care enough to climb over the walls we build. "We are such a self-destructive bunch, aren't we?" We do this to ourselves.

The words that well meaning friends speak, make me want to withdraw and hide away all the more. Like salt in a wound. Possibly a shadow of how Job felt when his friends tried to encourage him, a mere shadow to be sure. I feel it nonetheless. I had been asking God to strip away the things in my life that keep me from relying on anything other than Him. I guess this is what happens. I cannot explain why, but I have never felt more alone in my life, and I am surrounded by people every single day. Maybe the truth is that I lean on other people far too much. Maybe it is my own doubts, wounds and insecurities that keep me grasping at the wind hoping to be fulfilled. I just want someone to show me that I am worth it, that I am loved. I don't need anyone to ask me what is wrong in hopes to try to fix me. I am the guilty. I do it too. What I need is someone to make me forget about the fact that there is pain and darkness. Maybe not. Maybe what I need is to have the strength to face the darkness head on and to wrestle with my demons. I just don't wanna feel alone. Yet we are so quick to lash out in hurt and throw the towel in, estranging ourselves further still. We must acknowledge the fact that we are all broken and hurting people, and it is our pain that proceeds to wound others around us. Again, I am the worst of sinners. We do this to ourselves. 

It's hard not to push away the truth that comes to my mind... mostly because it is the same "Christianese" that I have heard when people don't know what else to say. It's like a band-aid over a gaping wound. It won't hold and I am losing blood. Still, I know God's word will not fail, and where else shall I go? God alone holds the words of eternal life (John 6:68). I am sure our Savior felt alone. Focused on what His purpose and calling in this world was, knowing that His friends would be sleeping in His darkest hour, He sought the Father. Loneliness, I suppose, is our cross to bear. I know that what God has called me to is something that I must learn to walk out alone... a narrow road. I need strength. I must become less, so that He will become more. Christ took the the most difficult road imaginable all the way to Calvary, declaring, "Not my will, but yours be done." I pray that this would become my heart, all the more. I am realizing the more I struggle to find joy, that I am understanding a deeper sense of my Lord. The fellowship of His suffering. Christ himself faced what many would call "the dark night of the soul." No servant is greater than their master. I am realizing that in this hollowness, I am being emptied in order to be able to have a greater capacity for Him. I asked Him to purge me of anything less than Him. I asked for this. I did this to myself. 

"This momentary light affliction is producing an eternal wight of glory that far outweighs them all." -2 Corinthians 4:17

"Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take a hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:17-20

"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high."
Job 16:19

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Job 13:15

A Response...

Anyone else out there feel the heaviness of what is going on in the world on their shoulders lately? It seems everywhere I look is a reminder of how broken we as humans are and how desperately we need the one thing that can heal and restore. Love. The person of love. News and media have been trending with attack after attack, whether it's the violence of the middle east or mudslinging against our fellow man... specifically our fellow Christian brother; Michael Gungor. I will say right off that I don't necessarily agree with everything that he has supposedly said however long ago in his blog that Christian media has felt compelled to push to the front lines of publication. I don't disagree either. Honestly, it doesn't matter. That is not my job. My job is to fix my eyes on the one who knows truth and is truth. My job is to love the same way that He loves me. "By this all man will know that you are my disciples, by your love for one another" (John 13:35). This wasn't a suggestion. This was a calling.

Earlier today I was listening to a podcast by the guys at Bad Christian, interviewing Gungor. As I listened to the heart of these men who, albeit- rough around the edges, love Jesus, I was heartbroken and convicted at the ways that we as The Church- the ways that I- find it so easy and quick to point out the failures of others instead of looking to what truly matters. The podcast made a very bold point of the fact that we put so many pastors and musicians on a pedestal, enthroning them as the heroes and saviors, rather than looking at the truth that they are human that struggle too. The same way we all do if we are truly honest about it. That is a glorified form of idolatry. Gungor also pointed out the fact that we have never been able to figure out God, and never will, perhaps until we see Him face to face. That is part of the beauty of God, found in the mystery of Him. We must learn to embrace the mystery of God, without "putting Him under a microscope to dissect Him." He is not who we make Him to be. He is who He is and always will be. The one who was and is and is to come... Holy. He is Love. He is Truth. I love what Gungor says in the podcast. "Unity does not come without disagreement. If there is not disagreement, it is uniformity."

 Last fall I had a conversation with a couple of my close guy friends about the differing views on how the book of Revelation should be interpreted. That night taught me a lot in this realm. Several things throughout the course of my life have taught me to be guarded (to say the least) toward doctrinal errors... first and foremost is the fact that I had spent the majority of my life in a fundamentalist Mormon community, being launched into a bible/ministry school and discipleship program for four years after dedicating my life to Jesus Christ. Believe me; I have gone through my fair share of pain within the Church and seasons where I have struggled with my faith. I still do. Every day. So who am I to say that my friend is wrong because he doesn't believe that Revelation is interpreted in the same way that I do? How can I say Michael Gungor is wrong because I see it differently? Are they chasing Jesus and trying to gain understanding in these things? Then love. Do they believe that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin and crucified on the cross as a penalty for the sin of mankind and brought healing and freedom from that sin through the resurrection on the third day? Sweet! Love! In fact, love any way! Because that is the greatest commandment of all that we as followers of Jesus have been given.

My point is... We need each other. We need the body of Christ and the different perspectives because none of us have it all together. None of us have it figured out! (1 Corinthians 12:15-26) We tend to stick with like-minded people because we're comfortable. But then we never grow: For "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). The more of life and different cultures around the world that I experience, the more I praise God for the gloriously beautiful creativity that He has shown in mankind- created in His image. There are so many different, yet lovely ways of seeing the world. We need to be careful how we reflect our creator. Use our words to encourage and build up, rather than to tear down. Use our hands and feet to rush to the aid of the least of these and reach to help them up. Walk beside them in love. How can we expect to bring peace to a hurting world if we do not first have peace within ourselves, within our Church and our homes? We must learn to love despite our differences. "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance; Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst" (1 Timothy 1:15). Please hear me... Paul's words resound loudly in my heart at the knowledge that I too have been a "Saul" of sorts and am daily trying to put to death the person that I was... the person that I am; horribly marked with sin. I am becoming increasingly more aware that the only reason that I have ANY ability to love or to look like Jesus is due to the fact that "we love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). We are nothing apart from our Savior.

"My arrogance stands shocked at the funeral of my self-righteousness as I've never been more aware of the scandal of me. He is my only good." ~Misty Edwards

I hope I have made my point. My prayer is that I learn to love and extend grace to everyone I encounter. I know it is easier said than done. I struggle, every day. But my desire is to live like Jesus did- to look like love to the best of my ability. It is what my purpose in life is, what I strive for. All of this has served to remind me of so much of what my college education has taught me. Whenever the world goes through a shift in culture, when there is a shaking in the earth that signifies change, there is controversy. There are attacks. I think of Martin Luther and the reformation... Dr. King and the civil rights movement... the abolitionist movement of the slave trade... All of which changed the course of history in a much needed way. Yet, it did not come without a price. What I see in the honesty of Gungor and the faces of Bad Christian, is a call for us to make a choice to dive deeper into the heart of God and try to see what He sees. This is a call to love, a call for a generation to rise up and challenge the institution. None of this is meant to be divisive; it is a cry for revival, for the raw honesty that leaves us on our faces before a holy God, confessing our utter need for Him.

During the Slave Trade, many of the workers out in the fields would have a system of "call and response" where they would create beautiful songs that the workers in the field would cry out with a line or two in order to have those working at the houses respond with another line or two. This was a part of their lives for many reasons, including but not limited to keeping a steady rhythm to help work progress quickly throughout the day, to keep their focus on their unity and their spirituality, rather than on their struggles, and to signify the end of the day. This uproar and controversy is truly what we will make it. To me, it looks like a few phrases of a song in which they are calling out to know there is a family, unified in their struggles and their faith, who will take the baton, adding a few more lines to what could truly be a beautiful song. This unrefined blog post is my response, along with the challenge: If we find ourselves offended, we need to consider why. What is it that we are standing on, if not Christ himself? Let us refocus our eyes on Jesus and look to Him for our answers and our validation, our identities. The culture is changing, and if our desire is to not look like the world, but rather like Christ, then we must understand where we stand in that. Not in condemnation, but in love, in Christ. He is the only one who has the power to change hearts. That is not our job, it is His. He is big enough and does not need our help. If he asks us to be a part of it, then simply do what He says. Nothing more, nothing less. I leave you with this to consider:

"So then, each of will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this- not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way." -Romans 14:12-13.

"Let the refining and improving of our own lives keep us so busy that we have little time to criticize others." -H. Jackson Brown Jr.

The Idolatry of the Matrimonial

I'm feeling the need to write a blog again. I know it has been some time since I had last written, but this time, I need to step up onto my proverbial soapbox and rant for a bit. I suppose there are many things that inspire such a rant, but this time... I have been biting my tongue on the subject for quite a while. So many of my friends have been talking about the "need" to be married, and even more of my friends are getting married or have recently been married. Before I get ahead of myself, let me preface these thoughts by saying this: If you are reading this and are one of those friends, I celebrate and rejoice with you! There is almost nothing I love more than weddings! Especially when the couple has had a healthy relationship for a while and God has been the central focus. What a truly amazing gift that God has given you! I am a big fan of the sacred beauty that comes along with that calling to be a husband or a wife, which generally leads to becoming fathers and mothers. Neither am I anti-dating. I believe that two individuals should get excited about each other before marriage and spend time discovering each other for who they are as people, with their personality, their dreams, their desires, their fears.... Relationships are a part of God's heart and purpose for our lives to be sure. Those that know me know that I am a deeply relational person, and encourage healthy companionship and unity among individuals.

However, I fear that it is becoming sort of a game for many Christians where marriage is the end goal. Most of my friends are right at the age where traditionally speaking the next milestone of your life is finding a spouse and starting a family. So why not seek to check that off of our "to do lists" of our lives? The main reason for this rant is that it seems that so many of the people in the Christian circles I know have made marriage an idol. It breaks my heart when I see the Facebook posts directed "to my future wife/husband" or the comments of "we're all lonely, we just need companions." Perhaps my favorite may be, "we are getting old, what are we doing with our lives?"

Dear friends, readers, when we have made marriage into anything other an act by which we are willing to lay down our lives and die to ourselves in order to give the lost and broken world around us a picture of Christ's love for us.... then we have no business thinking about marriage. I mean, sure- go ahead, think about it all you want. Far more often than not, that breeds discontentment and possibly bitterness when it doesn't happen when and how we think it should. Let's say there is the chance that you do get married, and have not yet fully grasped the true purpose of marriage, then what? Then we are only setting ourselves up for a really difficult road, often including disappointment and heartache. Not only for ourselves, but for the other person involved. Perhaps even, dare I say it? - The friends and family that have been walking through that process with you. It is not something to be taken lightly.

As Ephesians 5 lays it out, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:25-33).

God willing, when the day comes for you to be married, let your love be put on display just as Christ's love is continually being displayed through us, more so through the union of two souls. Maybe that day has already come for you. Again, I celebrate that gift with you! Please, hear me, try not to lord that over your fellow brothers and sisters, like our dear Lydia in Pride and Prejudice (for those who have read it or seen the movie). As well-meaning as you think you may be, it causes far more damage than I think we ever realize. "Harmless" matchmaking or jests at the single status only feed into the vicious cycle of discontentment, insecurities and pain. It often will push our brothers and sisters away from their true identities as individuals and their place in Christ when those relationships rarely ever seem to follow through. I know firsthand, this can breed deep insecurities, as if we are damaged goods that no one would want to be with. There is little else within the body of Christ that Satan wields with impunity, because we as believers have accepted it as having little consequence. I get it, it's adorable! For the sake of those you love... be careful how you help them or give advice. The truth is that if we as individuals cannot feel whole as single people, satisfied in God first and foremost, then we will not be complete when we bring someone else into the picture. I do understand that marriage is meant to be two imperfect people learning to love one another perfectly. As it should be, we will get so much further when we first understand that Christ is our source and all things in our lives must flow from His grace. Marriage is the icing on the cake! 

For my fellow single brothers and sisters: anything worthwhile in life will take time and often requires fighting for those things. Your future spouse is like a diamond that needs God to take His time with, molding them into an amazing gift that we cherish and treasure until "death do you part." If that is in fact a gift that God wants to give you. If it is not, then trust and know that wherever He calls you, if He gives you a purpose and the right people to love and encourage, who in turn will also love and encourage you, then it too can be a tremendous calling and gift to us. I have recently realized that all the things I am afraid of in the future, are things that God is fully aware of and is shaping and working everything out for our good. He knows our "needs" and even our desires, and I fully believe He has a place for those things, all in His perfect timing. God is preparing and shaping us too. I encourage you to make the most of this time, chase after healing, pursue the ways that we too can be that treasure. Our current relationships among our brothers and sisters should help to prepare us as well, bearing in mind as psychologists and authors T. Land and Paul David Tripp have so eloquently put it; "You have not become who you are all by yourself, which is why relationships are so important. They are inescapable and powerfully influential. The difficulty is that sin and grace coexist in all of them. Sin gets in the way of what grace can do, while grace covers what sin causes. Our relationships vividly display this dynamic mixture of gold and dross."

As single individuals we must wait patiently before the Lord, trusting in His timing and His preparation of our hearts, bearing in mind as Christ mentions to His disciple in Luke 12:48, "For to whom much is given, of him shall much be required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask more." Somewhere along the line, it seems we have come to devalue our position as individuals in our single status. We are at the prime of our lives, with more time and ability to focus on God or on the dreams He has given us before being tied down. Again, not that finding a person with whom to settle down with is wrong; just make sure you are ready for that. Marriage by definition is sacrifice. The way our culture goes about taunting the single, or making them out to be irresponsible, "player-like" people, has made it appear taboo. More like a curse. Dear readers... my brothers and sisters, make sure you are ready for such a calling before flippantly making light of where God has you. You are in this season for a reason. Seek the Lord and find what He has for you, right where you’re at. Chances are, you could be missing some of the greatest blessings of freedom and healing that God has in store for you because we are too focused on what we don't have, rather than praising Him for what He has already given. *Steps off.*

Seven

If you have ever experienced unrequited love, then you know how much of a toll it can take on your heart. When you give everything for another person to be met with nothing in return, it's exhausting and torturous. If we are honest, we all reach a place when we would give up on that other person and try to move on with life. I have experienced this disappointment in a number of ways in my life, through those not-so-significant others, to my friends and even with members of my own family. Usually I will stick it out with family, and maybe the occasional friendship that I see worthy in loving through it, even though it is scarcely returned, if at all. That’s sort of the reason I am writing. Lately I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Christ, and as I am nearing the seven year anniversary of my salvation, I am realizing how much my love for God pales in comparison to His love for me! "We love, because God first loved us" (1 John 4:19). It's the craziest thing when you realize that Jesus decided we were worth it. I still can't wrap my head around this kind of love, and I doubt that I ever will completely. During these past seven years, I have come to know how God has revealed His love to me as He is my husband and I, His bride. If I am honest I have been that girl that has tried to run away, even after 3 years of knowing God, I have struggled to trust Him, and have been more like Gomer in the book of Hosea than a pure and devoted bride. Still, He saw something in me that for whatever reason, made Him want to leave His throne in Heaven and His place as King of all the Universe and become a humble servant to show me the way back to my Father's house where He has prepared the many mansions for the day that we are finally completely united at the wedding feast! My wedding dowry was the Lamb itself, the slain Lamb at that! Talk about unrequited love! I could never return that kind of passion! So hard to really imagine the magnitude of that kind of promise that Jesus has given, for any who choose to say Yes. The craziest part of all is that even though He knows that as He pursues every single person on the face of the Earth, there will be many who will reject Him, or fail to even acknowledge His existence. Yet, He still chose to pay the cost for that chance of having a relationship with us! He certainly has won me over!

A few weeks ago, right as we were celebrating the New Year with new beginnings, new hopes.... I came across a spontaneous worship song that Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger was singing for one of the worship nights on the Bethel Tides Tour. The words hit my heart as I thought about my own experience of accepting Christ. The words resounding.... "I still remember the day that you called me; I still remember that I said yes..."

This week, as I am celebrate my seven year anniversary of saying yes to Jesus, I have been doing a lot of Psalm 51 soul-searching, a lot of reflecting and even some looking ahead with all of that. As I look back on these past seven years, the greatest thing that I have learned is that God is faithful and that He is the absolute good, even when we are among the least deserving. These years carry some of the best memories of my life, but they carry some of the most painful as well. Some of them even more painful than those that I had experienced before I knew Jesus, the difference is that now I have a Savior and a friend that sticks with me closer than a brother. He has never once left me or forsaken me, never left my side. I honestly can't wrap my head around it, but the truth is that God was with me in every moment since I was knit together in my mother's womb. But now that I have acknowledged that presence and decided to participate in my role in that relationship, even the most painful and challenging moments of my life have been by far the most beautiful. Lessons that I have walked through to refine me and shape my character, moments of deep healing and moments of more joy and freedom than I ever thought possible, have all been markers along this seven year journey. I have seen God move in miraculous ways, through physical healing, manifestations of the Holy Spirit, financial provision and even working in the heart of my hardened father. I have seen dreams come true and even greater dreams beginning to. That is exactly what makes a life with Jesus so worthwhile! He is the ultimate romancer and adventurer. Every moment of every single day is a journey, and choice to surrender and say, "I trust you, Lord." As I have experienced and grown in a number of ways along this journey, I can honestly say that it far beyond worth it!

Yesterday after church, I was hanging out with one of my friends and talking with her about using our stories to make a difference in the world by sharing the hope of Jesus with those that have been placed in our lives. She grew up in a good home, with good parents and a good family.... for the longest time she never thought she needed Jesus, and now that she is beginning to open up to Him, she was worried that her story doesn't matter. Like so many people that I know that may not have had their wild party days, or never grew up in a broken home or broken families, so many that grew up in the church... I have heard it time and time again: "I don't really have a story..." I assured my friend that her story was just as important as someone who has been through Hell and back to find Jesus. Sometimes I think that there is nothing that can reveal God's faithfulness more than the fact that these souls have been preserved for so long. The thing is everyone's story is going to be different. God designed it that way on purpose I think, because He wants a personal relationship with each of us individually. If all of our stories were the same we would be way more likely to just default and coast through life. God designed us with an insatiable need for Him and Him alone. There are things we know to be true about God, about His character and identity. We can know through biblical history and documentation that God is good, that He is faithful, that He is powerful. We know that God is our comforter and our provider; we know that God is Love. But above even the words written out to His beloved through scripture, we know because God allows us experience in which He will prove to us exactly who He is. That is what makes our stories worthwhile. It is not about what we have done or what we haven't done, it's about how God has revealed Himself throughout the course of our lives. Yes, God is faithful, for some that might look like His provision, His protection, or His ability to love us even when we are among the least deserving. For us to say that God is grace may look like Him giving us supernatural strength to deal with a highly stressful job or it may look like someone forgiving you for something that you had thought for sure was unforgivable, maybe that someone is even God Himself! I've been there... the truth is we all have, but it looks different for all of us.

"We are confident of this: He who has begun a good work in us
will be faithful to carry it through into complete,
until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

That all being said, I suppose on the surface seven years might not be a huge deal to some people, but to me it's history of God writing my story and I know He is going to continue to. Best part of all is that there have been so many dreams and promises that God has given me along the way that I am still believing for. Things like my family's salvation and the ministry and mission field that God has called me to, of course not forgetting for a moment that the very place I am at right now in this moment is God's faithfulness, and it is a part of that calling and that mission field. It is a part of my story. I realized this past summer that the number seven is a very significant number in the Bible... seven days and the world was created, seven churches of revelation, the seven trumpets.... I could go on. As I looked up what the number seven signified, I found that it meant "perfection or completion." That alone makes me excited for what the year ahead of me with Jesus will hold. Along with that, I read an article the other day, a prophetic word over the year 2014- this year- talking about the number seven, times two, is fourteen... the article declared that this was a year of promises being fulfilled, this falling into place and being a year of completion... in double! A double portion of those promises! I am believing God for breakthrough in so many areas of my life that I have been believing and fighting for over the last seven years. Nothing is impossible for the Lord! I can't wait to see what He will do with it all! I can't wait to spend the rest of my life and eternity with Him! What a privilege!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a promise fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12

Clamor and a Whisper

So many thoughts converging into what is on my heart tonight, so many ways the Lord is speaking over and over a reoccurring theme. God seems to continuously be drawing me back to His promises and His faithfulness. Lately I have been wrestling with the promise that the Lord has called me as a voice to this generation. He has revealed to me a number of ways that I might walk in that promise, and has confirmed it numerous times as well. Even as I have taken steps toward surrender to laying down the dreams and desires for those things, Jesus continues to renew and restore hope for that calling. The biggest challenge I am facing in this is, how? In a generation where everyone appears to be competing for attention, everyone wants to be heard, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to find a place in this realm. Let's face it; the Millennials have so many musicians, bloggers, and so many different social media sites where there is no limit to the content or amount of things you can post. How am I to be a voice unto this generation, as I know with everything in me that this is who the Lord has called me to be? Don't get me wrong I love reading all the perspectives that people have to share, and have learned these past few months that we need those different perspectives and every story has its worth and needs to be told, all in due time. But honestly, often times I feel overwhelmed by it all. Don't get me wrong; obviously, I am one of many who use all of those venues to be a light and a witness. Trouble is we get so much of ourselves wrapped up in all of it that I think we forget that God is the one who should be getting full glory, just on account of who He is alone! I am finding that even within myself, I need to check my motives before I post, or speak. As 1 Corinthians 13:1 puts it: 

My heart in writing this blog is simply to share my heart and to put to words what God has been revealing it to me lately in hopes that someone reading this may be both challenged and encouraged by it. That was the whole reason I have started this blog a couple years ago to begin with. I know God has put it on my heart for a reason, and I am trusting that He will use it to change lives if I keep my focus on Him. God has a funny way of revealing who we are to us sometimes, as the people God has originally created us to be, as the people we have become in our mess of sin, and as the people He wants to mold and shape us to be, making all things new. Writing is one of the gifts that I know the Lord has given me and has used in powerful ways in my life, and this past Summer as I spent time at the Prayer Room, God told me that was one of my greatest weapons in walking out my calling. Writing is so much a part of who I am that I feel if I were to not write it would be somewhat similar to Rilke's question to the young poet he mentored in his book, Letters to a Young Poet, why write? His words truly reflect my heart. As he puts it, "Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write..." Perhaps only a poet would understand, but I digress.... 

As the New Year began, I felt called to do a Facebook/ Social media fast. I think it was a huge heart check for me more than anything! But in doing so, I have been realizing that when we quite our lives, more importantly, our souls, we can hear the voice of the almighty speaking to the core of who we are within our hearts. This is where the revelation of the true war zone I am in comes to light. The lies, doubts, fears are no longer masked by other the voices that I have tried to use as a shield around me. If I can't see or hear what is going on beneath the surface, then it must not be there right? Wrong. Painfully wrong. I am reminded of the Prophet Elijah in 1 Kings 19:11-12:

"The Lord spoke saying, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper...."

In this passage, it reminds me that if we never quiet ourselves to hear God, we might miss His voice. I think so often we expect to have God thundering commands at as, not realizing he speaks gently. Many of us chase after the "signs and wonders" hoping for that person or circumstances that will speak on God's behalf... or perhaps even more so, we begin to make ourselves our own gods. But note- God was not in the fire or the thunder, but in the silence. For me, I feel this is a profound aspect of the value of silence. 

As a Flyleaf fan, a total music fanatic and lyric lover, I am hit with this truth every time I hear their song, "In the Dark." It is here in the silence that I see the walls that I have built up on the monster I have made myself into that competes for a place in the world and compromises who I am for the approval of others. It's there in the quiet that I am seeing that this is where the deep inner healing from all the wounds of the past begins to unfold and God is recreating me. My day to day experiences are riddled with so much pride that if I truly saw the effects, I would be a different person, yet still I cling to it.... why? Because it is a wall I have built around my heart in defense from allowing true vulnerability to show. If I am honest, I spend much of my time trying to look good for people and wanting them to like me, to love me. Somewhere early in life I have believed the lie that I have to compete for love and that has shaped a false sense of who I am. I feel like the Lord is beginning to shake things up in me preparing to shatter those walls, and that is scary. These walls have been so much of a comfort, so familiar. I find I am asking myself which I want more, my tower that I hide myself, in way above the ones I interact with, where I hope no one will see my weaknesses, or the freedom and promises God is holding out before me, but it means stepping out, climbing down, going lower, and follow after Jesus wholeheartedly. It is scary to ask ourselves who we would be without all the facades and defense mechanisms we use to hide what is really going on in our hearts... but that is the Eden of our souls, who we were before pain marked us.  It's in the quiet stillness that I am able to close the door on the rest of the world and sneak off into that secret place and hear one voice, rising above the rest- that gentle voice, yet so like a lion, that roars majestic, strong, but oh so good! 

*   "In the Dark" lyrics from Flyleaf    *

This past semester at our annual Fall Retreat with our campus Chi Alpha community, the Lord reminded me of a dream He had given me this past summer while I was doing a Prophetic Internship at the International House of Prayer in Pasadena, California. I was deep in worship our last night at the retreat and the Lord brought this dream back into remembrance. He spoke to my heart and told me that the dreams and promises that He has given me will bear fruit as I learn to walk in humility. I am obviously still so far from that calling! But I am so grateful that Jesus has never once given up on me, and He never will! He remains faithful still! But as I look at this process the Lord has been taking me through, as He takes this distorted jar of clay and puts me on the potter's wheel and begins to make into His image once again, I am amazed at the healing God has already done and will continue to do. Jesus can truly do "more in a moment, than other lovers could in a lifetime!" (Closer lyrics, Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger). What's more, how much more will we see the hurting and broken around us if we stop trying to be the first to speak and refrain from needing to get the last word in? If we will take more time to listen, how much more will we hear God speak and have our eyes open to the greatness He has placed inside of all us, showing us who we were meant to be all along. How much more would we be able to exalt the greatness in others, how much more will we have the desire to?!

2 Corinthians 4:7

Advent: Waiting on Hope

With Christmas upon us, naturally I have been thinking a lot about the Christ child, the promised Messiah and Savior of the world. Contrary to popular belief, or American Commercialism, this is the entire reason for the season. As I have been meditating on how a tiny babe could change this world forever, I was struck with the fact that the Israelite nation had been waiting hundreds, if not thousands of years for their promised Savior to finally arrive on the scene. The nation of Israel had waited four hundred years between the Old Testament prophets and when John the Baptist graced the world with his presence, right before Jesus made his debut! The very reality of Mary, a young girl, finding favor with God and being chosen to carry the promise has always been dear to my heart. Crazy to think about her faith and courage, her ability to trust God in the midst of such a calling! Knowing full well it would mean a lifetime of being rejected and misunderstood, she accepted that call. But even thinking about a natural pregnancy and how parents wait in hopeful expectation for their child- the fruit of their love for each other... Christ was the very embodiment of God's love for us, divinity in flesh. This story is so much bigger than any of us could ever fully begin to comprehend!

I think the traditional carol, "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" sums it up well, as it walks through various aspects of what the Bible speaks of from 40 years in the wilderness, revealing His glory on Mount Sinai. He spelled out the law for His people to point the way to the Savior to remind us of our need for the Christ. Again with David, the promise of his decendent that would never leave the throne, prophecy after prophecy told of a man who would come to save us, a child born to die as redeemer and recompense for our failings. As the words ring out in their hauntingly beautiful melody: 

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here 

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come thou Rod of Jesse free

Thine own from Satan's tyranny

From depth of Hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee O Israel

So what does this say about our God? It speaks volumes about his faithfulness and His perfect timing. This profound truth of advent reveals that God has had a plan all along, from the very beginning. Mary didn't just wait for her baby, Israel was awaiting their Messiah and the world their Savior. God always fulfills His promises in His timing, in spite of the fact that we are constantly trying to make these promises happen in our own ways, when we think they should happen. As I ponder the message of Christmas once again this year, I not only ponder what the birth of Christ meant then, but more importantly what does mean to us now? These promises that God set in motion from the foundations of the earth are still in effect today. Jesus is still the Savior and Lord over two thousand years after He walked the earth in human form. On a personal note, I am nearing the seven year anniversary of when I first accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and it has been a daily decision since then of choosing to obey and to trust Him. Jesus rescued me from a FLDS community, but more importantly He saved me from myself. The Christmas season has always been special to me, but even more so since that day. 

That being said, I have stood apart from the majority of my family as far as my faith goes and have been praying for them during these past seven years for sure. This year as I reflect on the promises of God, I am deeply encouraged by the hope that the Advent of Christ brings. Not only that the promised salvation for the world came in the form of a humble and vulnerable baby, but that it meant salvation for me. I am continuing to believe that it will mean Salvation for my family someday as well. Thinking on the hundreds of other promises God has given me, no matter how great or small, the fact that God showed up, fulfilled every prophecy about the coming Messiah gives me reason enough to trust in his faithfulness in my life as well. Lately I have been reminded of these promises. I think I am realizing more than ever how scary it is to dream, it's scary to place our futures in someone else's hands. On top of all that patience is hard! Waiting can hurt. But it is all part of a process.  Growth takes time, and yes it can be painful. We learn so much during that time. I think part of the reason Christ entered this world as an infant and allowed Mary to carry Him in her womb was to give us a picture of that waiting period, not to mention the painful birthing process, labor pains and all. The dream and promise of God given to the Holy Virgin must have been hard to trust that God meant what He said. How much more so, to patiently wait upon the Lord to see the fruit of that promise? But as Mary soon learned through the process of carrying this child, God will move when He is ready, when He knows that moment is perfect! He arrived when the world was finally at peace, after hundreds of years of war and exile, although Israel was still under oppression, there was not a single war on the earth at that time! Often times what God is doing in the spirit, will be made manifest in the natural. So in the moment of the birth of Jesus, born as a helpless babe, everything that Christ was, and is and would become in His ministry on the Earth was revealed. 

God was faithful to fulfill his promise. Not only the promise made to Mary as individual, but the promises made to His people. And God will keep His promises to us, even if it takes four hundred years, I know the Lord will do what He said He will do. As it says in 2 Peter 3:8-9, "Do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow about His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance." Yes waiting is hard, it is often times painful, but it is then we know that our dreams and the promise that God has given us matter. It wouldn't hurt if we didn't care, and often times the pain shows us that we are alive, that we are real and that we can feel. If a promise is important to us we will not give up that easily, we will cling to that hope until the end. God has never once failed us, nor has He ever once given up on us, in spite of the thousands of times we might have deserved it. He is faithful. So even now, as we celebrate this birth of the Messiah, we continue to wait, in hopeful expectation for the birth of each promise that has ever been conceived in our hearts. For we know in the right time, we will see the birth of these promises fulfilled. Hallelujah! Praise Him for He alone is worthy! 

"We eagerly await a Savior... the Lord Jesus Christ."

Philippians 3:20