Life has a way of opening up some interesting experiences doesn't it? Lately doors have been opening up to pursue what I like to call "Book Shelf Dreams." One of those book shelf dreams is to participate in our city's Easter play. The roles have not quite been cast yet, but the hope is that I will be able to sing in some way or another- since this, along with writing, is one of my passions.This past Wednesday night as I stood in the choir room with my friend Jarret for the vocal auditions, I found myself shaking uncontrollably with my voice wavering with 30+ people staring at my back as I tried singing a very familiar worship song- stopping short as I reached the chorus. My voice was shaking so badly I sounded horribly off-key. I think it caught Jarret off guard that I had stopped so suddenly, but once I explained my state of being, to my surprise, he was extremely gracious in letting me sit down and wait until most of the group left before I attempted it again.
As I watched the others step forward and sing for their tryouts, I saw many talented individuals, more still however where there performing. I went on listening and trying to calm my mind into singing like I knew that I could. I finally went forward just before Jarret wrapped up the auditions for the night. I asked him to sing with me so that I knew I would have guidance to steady my wavering voice, then tried harmonizing with him as well since he had asked me to. It wasn't that bad in the end, but it certainly not what I was hoping for, and not what I know I am capable of. Needless to say, I was frustrated. Frustrated with myself- for not having the self confidence to use my voice, for allowing my struggles with the fear of man to get the better of me, but also frustrated with every single lie that I had been told growing up that, that I wasn't good enough and that I never would be, that I would never make it anywhere with my voice. The lies that I was a nobody.
The thought struck me today that I was in that choir room for the same reason everyone else was- to prove myself. To perform. I have never let anyone else's doubts of me stand in the way of pursuing my dreams, and although I will be the first to admit that it's a struggle not to let my own doubts stand in the way of that, last Wednesdays auditions are proof of that. But I know one thing... I am a Dreamer. This morning after church I had the humbling realization that I had lost my focus. The whole reason I wanted to be a part of the play was to share the love of God by doing something I love. I wanted my family to have a reason to hear about His love in a way that they never have before... It didn't take long for me to get caught up in the agenda of it all.
I am blessed that I belong to a church that preaches truth and never shies away from the message of the cross, even when that truth can be hard to accept. It helped me to refocus my eyes on Jesus, and my real purpose in which I have been called- to do anything in life. It's got me thinking a lot lately about what it means to worship. If that is the reason that I sing, or even the reason that I live... then what is it that I am really living for? The other day as I was in the midst of a struggle with putting chains on my car and driving in the snow, I was standing in the cold, feeling dizzy and light headed, I kept hearing God whisper, "Look up." Each time I did I was amazed by the grandeur of the beauty of nature that surrounded me. I was reminded that the creator of the stars and the mountains that surround me, wrote a love story just for me. He rejoices and sings over me- over us all, and is calling to us to open our hearts to Him. Lately I feel like my heart has been opened up to what worship really is- back to the heart of it all. It has never been about a song, or about music.... but about who He is, and who we are in Him. It's about taking a moment to be still and know that He is God. To allow Him to quiet our hearts and show us a new perspective, so that we see Heaven's perspective. I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about you. It's all about you, Jesus.
