Musings (Of Autumn)

         Today I took a walk downtown. Partly because I needed time to think, time to pray and mull over the truths that I heard at church this morning- and partly because I had left my bike on Campus and needed to go and retrieve it. As walked over Higgins Street bridge that overlooks Caras Park and the Clarkfork River, I stopped about midway and watched the two men in wet suits climbing onto the shore with their paddle boards. Although I had a million thoughts in my mind in that moment, all fighting for my attention, I couldn't help but think of these men. I thought about how crazy they were to be jumping in a Montana river with it being nearly October and the water being undoubtedly, so cold. I looked over the river, across the way to the Orange Street bridge. My mind found a home with my affection of my city, the place I call home, and praising God that He has chosen to place me here. Thinking of where he's brought me and where I have been and as much as my heart longs for a return to California, I love it here. I spent the next few minutes asking God's forgiveness for not being content where I am. It was in that moment, as I decided to continue moving forward across the Higgins bridge. I was running my hand along the railing of the walkway there along the bridge when I realized that my heart is truly most content when it is fully satisfied in Christ. I couldn't help but smile as I allowed my mind and my heart to be enraptured by my beautiful city and the love that I have received from my Savior and Lord.

           I continued my walk toward the college campus, feeling the brisk wind as it blew my hair and my floral scarf about. I looked around me at the leaves on the trees, starting to transform into the colorful pallet of fall. I was reminded of one of the activities we did while I was in Pasadena at he Pulse Internship at the International House of Prayer. Our internship director lead us in a prophetic activation activity in which we sat in silence, waiting on the Lord after asking Him what season we were in. I was in a season of Winter then. As I walked down past the cute little houses along 6th Street, I tried listening to the Lord, pondering in my heart and my mind, which season I might be in at this current point of my life. I felt it as surely as the chill that caused me to pull my cardigan tighter around my body and cross my arms over my chest. I am undeniably in season of Fall. I have always loved fall in so many ways, except for the undeniable trumpet that Winter is on it's way.... although in my walk with the Lord, it would appear the seasons are working in reverse, at least thus far. I do, however, love everything else about Fall. I love scarves, and boots and the feeling of having a warm cup of coffee, tea, or cider in my hands. I love curling up in front of a fire place or wrapping up in a cozy blanket with a good book. I love the brisk air that carries just a hint of Winter, yet somehow mingles perfectly with the sun that is still clinging to the last bit of Summer. I used to dress up in shorts and a tank top and go sit outside on the trampoline in the backyard as soon as the weather would start to show signs of Fall. I would sit out there until my skin was cold and bluish and I couldn't stand it.... Truth is, I could find something magical and beautiful about any season.

           Despite all the glorious descriptions I could keep rambling on about with Fall, or any of the seasons, there are a few painful aspects of Fall in which it would difficult for me to deny. In a lot of the natural sense Fall represents things dying and being stripped away. Autumn represents change. That can be both good and bad, yet usually when we think of death it's not generally a positive thing. I will admit with the challenges that I am facing in my life right now, they are definitely not easy. But I see God's goodness in it all, lately my car has been in the shop with a team of amazing people trying their best to make an expensive fix as least expensive as possible.... regardless, it sucks not having a car, because my school and work schedule don't really allow for much room for commuting on bike or on foot and the bus system here has been found wanting. Each day however, I find myself enjoying the bike ride or walk to school and even back home from work. Even though walking past the cemetery near the north side of town in the dark is not my favorite past time, I have had some sweet Jesus moments while walking that long 4.5 mile stretch alone. A lot of time to process and reminisce even about this past Summer in Pasadena and everything with Pulse. Times on the bus have been some of the most amazing conversations with strangers and some even about Jesus, even leaving me super encouraged reminding me that God has a divine purpose in all things, and it's always for our good! He's shaping my character and changing my perspectives on things that I have held in high status, and being reminded that, in light of eternity... have a car doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, it can help, but God's priorities are revealing himself to people and the love that He has for us all, whether we have yet to know Him or not. Not only does He reveal Himself to us in greater capacities in times of difficulty, as He is revealed more greatly within ourselves, the world begins to see Him more clearly in and through us as well. There is something beautiful about someone who is broken, undeniably so, yet still laughs with their whole soul (as my friend Kiira says) and wears a genuine smile, but is unafraid to admit that they are hurting or that things are hard.

           As I watch the leaves turn color and fall to the ground as they are being stripped away, I can't help but think of the purpose that they are stripped off the trees each year in preparation for Winter.... because it is preparing the trees for new life. As sad as a barren tree looks, Winter is God's merciful way of giving rest before bringing an abundance of new life, ensuring that we have been refreshed and strong enough to handle the blessings as well as the adversities. God in His mercy has never once failed to paint the world with the colorful display of His creative glory as the earth dies a little each year.... giving us reason to still stand in awe of Him and His goodness. We must do the same when there are places in our lives that are dying or being stripped away, trusting that new life is coming and God has something far greater than we could ever dream of in store for us. The more I walk through life, blessing and trial alike, the more I am convinced: Everything definitely happens for a reason and the best is ever yet to come. :) 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." ~James 1:2-4, 12