Clamor and a Whisper

So many thoughts converging into what is on my heart tonight, so many ways the Lord is speaking over and over a reoccurring theme. God seems to continuously be drawing me back to His promises and His faithfulness. Lately I have been wrestling with the promise that the Lord has called me as a voice to this generation. He has revealed to me a number of ways that I might walk in that promise, and has confirmed it numerous times as well. Even as I have taken steps toward surrender to laying down the dreams and desires for those things, Jesus continues to renew and restore hope for that calling. The biggest challenge I am facing in this is, how? In a generation where everyone appears to be competing for attention, everyone wants to be heard, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to find a place in this realm. Let's face it; the Millennials have so many musicians, bloggers, and so many different social media sites where there is no limit to the content or amount of things you can post. How am I to be a voice unto this generation, as I know with everything in me that this is who the Lord has called me to be? Don't get me wrong I love reading all the perspectives that people have to share, and have learned these past few months that we need those different perspectives and every story has its worth and needs to be told, all in due time. But honestly, often times I feel overwhelmed by it all. Don't get me wrong; obviously, I am one of many who use all of those venues to be a light and a witness. Trouble is we get so much of ourselves wrapped up in all of it that I think we forget that God is the one who should be getting full glory, just on account of who He is alone! I am finding that even within myself, I need to check my motives before I post, or speak. As 1 Corinthians 13:1 puts it: 

My heart in writing this blog is simply to share my heart and to put to words what God has been revealing it to me lately in hopes that someone reading this may be both challenged and encouraged by it. That was the whole reason I have started this blog a couple years ago to begin with. I know God has put it on my heart for a reason, and I am trusting that He will use it to change lives if I keep my focus on Him. God has a funny way of revealing who we are to us sometimes, as the people God has originally created us to be, as the people we have become in our mess of sin, and as the people He wants to mold and shape us to be, making all things new. Writing is one of the gifts that I know the Lord has given me and has used in powerful ways in my life, and this past Summer as I spent time at the Prayer Room, God told me that was one of my greatest weapons in walking out my calling. Writing is so much a part of who I am that I feel if I were to not write it would be somewhat similar to Rilke's question to the young poet he mentored in his book, Letters to a Young Poet, why write? His words truly reflect my heart. As he puts it, "Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write..." Perhaps only a poet would understand, but I digress.... 

As the New Year began, I felt called to do a Facebook/ Social media fast. I think it was a huge heart check for me more than anything! But in doing so, I have been realizing that when we quite our lives, more importantly, our souls, we can hear the voice of the almighty speaking to the core of who we are within our hearts. This is where the revelation of the true war zone I am in comes to light. The lies, doubts, fears are no longer masked by other the voices that I have tried to use as a shield around me. If I can't see or hear what is going on beneath the surface, then it must not be there right? Wrong. Painfully wrong. I am reminded of the Prophet Elijah in 1 Kings 19:11-12:

"The Lord spoke saying, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper...."

In this passage, it reminds me that if we never quiet ourselves to hear God, we might miss His voice. I think so often we expect to have God thundering commands at as, not realizing he speaks gently. Many of us chase after the "signs and wonders" hoping for that person or circumstances that will speak on God's behalf... or perhaps even more so, we begin to make ourselves our own gods. But note- God was not in the fire or the thunder, but in the silence. For me, I feel this is a profound aspect of the value of silence. 

As a Flyleaf fan, a total music fanatic and lyric lover, I am hit with this truth every time I hear their song, "In the Dark." It is here in the silence that I see the walls that I have built up on the monster I have made myself into that competes for a place in the world and compromises who I am for the approval of others. It's there in the quiet that I am seeing that this is where the deep inner healing from all the wounds of the past begins to unfold and God is recreating me. My day to day experiences are riddled with so much pride that if I truly saw the effects, I would be a different person, yet still I cling to it.... why? Because it is a wall I have built around my heart in defense from allowing true vulnerability to show. If I am honest, I spend much of my time trying to look good for people and wanting them to like me, to love me. Somewhere early in life I have believed the lie that I have to compete for love and that has shaped a false sense of who I am. I feel like the Lord is beginning to shake things up in me preparing to shatter those walls, and that is scary. These walls have been so much of a comfort, so familiar. I find I am asking myself which I want more, my tower that I hide myself, in way above the ones I interact with, where I hope no one will see my weaknesses, or the freedom and promises God is holding out before me, but it means stepping out, climbing down, going lower, and follow after Jesus wholeheartedly. It is scary to ask ourselves who we would be without all the facades and defense mechanisms we use to hide what is really going on in our hearts... but that is the Eden of our souls, who we were before pain marked us.  It's in the quiet stillness that I am able to close the door on the rest of the world and sneak off into that secret place and hear one voice, rising above the rest- that gentle voice, yet so like a lion, that roars majestic, strong, but oh so good! 

*   "In the Dark" lyrics from Flyleaf    *

This past semester at our annual Fall Retreat with our campus Chi Alpha community, the Lord reminded me of a dream He had given me this past summer while I was doing a Prophetic Internship at the International House of Prayer in Pasadena, California. I was deep in worship our last night at the retreat and the Lord brought this dream back into remembrance. He spoke to my heart and told me that the dreams and promises that He has given me will bear fruit as I learn to walk in humility. I am obviously still so far from that calling! But I am so grateful that Jesus has never once given up on me, and He never will! He remains faithful still! But as I look at this process the Lord has been taking me through, as He takes this distorted jar of clay and puts me on the potter's wheel and begins to make into His image once again, I am amazed at the healing God has already done and will continue to do. Jesus can truly do "more in a moment, than other lovers could in a lifetime!" (Closer lyrics, Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger). What's more, how much more will we see the hurting and broken around us if we stop trying to be the first to speak and refrain from needing to get the last word in? If we will take more time to listen, how much more will we hear God speak and have our eyes open to the greatness He has placed inside of all us, showing us who we were meant to be all along. How much more would we be able to exalt the greatness in others, how much more will we have the desire to?!

2 Corinthians 4:7