The Idolatry of the Matrimonial

I'm feeling the need to write a blog again. I know it has been some time since I had last written, but this time, I need to step up onto my proverbial soapbox and rant for a bit. I suppose there are many things that inspire such a rant, but this time... I have been biting my tongue on the subject for quite a while. So many of my friends have been talking about the "need" to be married, and even more of my friends are getting married or have recently been married. Before I get ahead of myself, let me preface these thoughts by saying this: If you are reading this and are one of those friends, I celebrate and rejoice with you! There is almost nothing I love more than weddings! Especially when the couple has had a healthy relationship for a while and God has been the central focus. What a truly amazing gift that God has given you! I am a big fan of the sacred beauty that comes along with that calling to be a husband or a wife, which generally leads to becoming fathers and mothers. Neither am I anti-dating. I believe that two individuals should get excited about each other before marriage and spend time discovering each other for who they are as people, with their personality, their dreams, their desires, their fears.... Relationships are a part of God's heart and purpose for our lives to be sure. Those that know me know that I am a deeply relational person, and encourage healthy companionship and unity among individuals.

However, I fear that it is becoming sort of a game for many Christians where marriage is the end goal. Most of my friends are right at the age where traditionally speaking the next milestone of your life is finding a spouse and starting a family. So why not seek to check that off of our "to do lists" of our lives? The main reason for this rant is that it seems that so many of the people in the Christian circles I know have made marriage an idol. It breaks my heart when I see the Facebook posts directed "to my future wife/husband" or the comments of "we're all lonely, we just need companions." Perhaps my favorite may be, "we are getting old, what are we doing with our lives?"

Dear friends, readers, when we have made marriage into anything other an act by which we are willing to lay down our lives and die to ourselves in order to give the lost and broken world around us a picture of Christ's love for us.... then we have no business thinking about marriage. I mean, sure- go ahead, think about it all you want. Far more often than not, that breeds discontentment and possibly bitterness when it doesn't happen when and how we think it should. Let's say there is the chance that you do get married, and have not yet fully grasped the true purpose of marriage, then what? Then we are only setting ourselves up for a really difficult road, often including disappointment and heartache. Not only for ourselves, but for the other person involved. Perhaps even, dare I say it? - The friends and family that have been walking through that process with you. It is not something to be taken lightly.

As Ephesians 5 lays it out, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church- for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:25-33).

God willing, when the day comes for you to be married, let your love be put on display just as Christ's love is continually being displayed through us, more so through the union of two souls. Maybe that day has already come for you. Again, I celebrate that gift with you! Please, hear me, try not to lord that over your fellow brothers and sisters, like our dear Lydia in Pride and Prejudice (for those who have read it or seen the movie). As well-meaning as you think you may be, it causes far more damage than I think we ever realize. "Harmless" matchmaking or jests at the single status only feed into the vicious cycle of discontentment, insecurities and pain. It often will push our brothers and sisters away from their true identities as individuals and their place in Christ when those relationships rarely ever seem to follow through. I know firsthand, this can breed deep insecurities, as if we are damaged goods that no one would want to be with. There is little else within the body of Christ that Satan wields with impunity, because we as believers have accepted it as having little consequence. I get it, it's adorable! For the sake of those you love... be careful how you help them or give advice. The truth is that if we as individuals cannot feel whole as single people, satisfied in God first and foremost, then we will not be complete when we bring someone else into the picture. I do understand that marriage is meant to be two imperfect people learning to love one another perfectly. As it should be, we will get so much further when we first understand that Christ is our source and all things in our lives must flow from His grace. Marriage is the icing on the cake! 

For my fellow single brothers and sisters: anything worthwhile in life will take time and often requires fighting for those things. Your future spouse is like a diamond that needs God to take His time with, molding them into an amazing gift that we cherish and treasure until "death do you part." If that is in fact a gift that God wants to give you. If it is not, then trust and know that wherever He calls you, if He gives you a purpose and the right people to love and encourage, who in turn will also love and encourage you, then it too can be a tremendous calling and gift to us. I have recently realized that all the things I am afraid of in the future, are things that God is fully aware of and is shaping and working everything out for our good. He knows our "needs" and even our desires, and I fully believe He has a place for those things, all in His perfect timing. God is preparing and shaping us too. I encourage you to make the most of this time, chase after healing, pursue the ways that we too can be that treasure. Our current relationships among our brothers and sisters should help to prepare us as well, bearing in mind as psychologists and authors T. Land and Paul David Tripp have so eloquently put it; "You have not become who you are all by yourself, which is why relationships are so important. They are inescapable and powerfully influential. The difficulty is that sin and grace coexist in all of them. Sin gets in the way of what grace can do, while grace covers what sin causes. Our relationships vividly display this dynamic mixture of gold and dross."

As single individuals we must wait patiently before the Lord, trusting in His timing and His preparation of our hearts, bearing in mind as Christ mentions to His disciple in Luke 12:48, "For to whom much is given, of him shall much be required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask more." Somewhere along the line, it seems we have come to devalue our position as individuals in our single status. We are at the prime of our lives, with more time and ability to focus on God or on the dreams He has given us before being tied down. Again, not that finding a person with whom to settle down with is wrong; just make sure you are ready for that. Marriage by definition is sacrifice. The way our culture goes about taunting the single, or making them out to be irresponsible, "player-like" people, has made it appear taboo. More like a curse. Dear readers... my brothers and sisters, make sure you are ready for such a calling before flippantly making light of where God has you. You are in this season for a reason. Seek the Lord and find what He has for you, right where you’re at. Chances are, you could be missing some of the greatest blessings of freedom and healing that God has in store for you because we are too focused on what we don't have, rather than praising Him for what He has already given. *Steps off.*