We do this to ourselves

To be honest, I am not expecting anyone to read this. I don't really care. I am writing mainly for the reasons that I always write... because I am consumed and in the hopes that there is a chance it might encourage someone who is walking through a similar season. Whether that is joy, or sorrow or love or adventure... I feel deeply. So therefore I write. It is and always has been my greatest outlet. I just wanna be real and get a few things off my chest. I am struggling. I know that I am blessed, there are so many reasons to be rejoice and I am thankful, but life just gets hard sometimes and there is no explanation for it. I am finding that when I stop being happy... people withdraw. When I admit to how much darkness I am wrestling with beneath the surface, it seems like the whole world goes silent. Then comes the vicious cycle of pushing away the people who are trying to reach out, all the while wanting so badly for someone to care enough to climb over the walls we build. "We are such a self-destructive bunch, aren't we?" We do this to ourselves.

The words that well meaning friends speak, make me want to withdraw and hide away all the more. Like salt in a wound. Possibly a shadow of how Job felt when his friends tried to encourage him, a mere shadow to be sure. I feel it nonetheless. I had been asking God to strip away the things in my life that keep me from relying on anything other than Him. I guess this is what happens. I cannot explain why, but I have never felt more alone in my life, and I am surrounded by people every single day. Maybe the truth is that I lean on other people far too much. Maybe it is my own doubts, wounds and insecurities that keep me grasping at the wind hoping to be fulfilled. I just want someone to show me that I am worth it, that I am loved. I don't need anyone to ask me what is wrong in hopes to try to fix me. I am the guilty. I do it too. What I need is someone to make me forget about the fact that there is pain and darkness. Maybe not. Maybe what I need is to have the strength to face the darkness head on and to wrestle with my demons. I just don't wanna feel alone. Yet we are so quick to lash out in hurt and throw the towel in, estranging ourselves further still. We must acknowledge the fact that we are all broken and hurting people, and it is our pain that proceeds to wound others around us. Again, I am the worst of sinners. We do this to ourselves. 

It's hard not to push away the truth that comes to my mind... mostly because it is the same "Christianese" that I have heard when people don't know what else to say. It's like a band-aid over a gaping wound. It won't hold and I am losing blood. Still, I know God's word will not fail, and where else shall I go? God alone holds the words of eternal life (John 6:68). I am sure our Savior felt alone. Focused on what His purpose and calling in this world was, knowing that His friends would be sleeping in His darkest hour, He sought the Father. Loneliness, I suppose, is our cross to bear. I know that what God has called me to is something that I must learn to walk out alone... a narrow road. I need strength. I must become less, so that He will become more. Christ took the the most difficult road imaginable all the way to Calvary, declaring, "Not my will, but yours be done." I pray that this would become my heart, all the more. I am realizing the more I struggle to find joy, that I am understanding a deeper sense of my Lord. The fellowship of His suffering. Christ himself faced what many would call "the dark night of the soul." No servant is greater than their master. I am realizing that in this hollowness, I am being emptied in order to be able to have a greater capacity for Him. I asked Him to purge me of anything less than Him. I asked for this. I did this to myself. 

"This momentary light affliction is producing an eternal wight of glory that far outweighs them all." -2 Corinthians 4:17

"Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take a hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:17-20

"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high."
Job 16:19

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Job 13:15