Wide Awake

The news I got today made my heart sink. Newton, CT you are in my prayers: every mother, father, sister, brother, friend- any who are impacted by this tragedy. Like any other time that I have found my heart heavy with emotion, I am writing, bleeding my thoughts out on paper, or in this blog.

Like so many who have been faced with this kind of news, my heart wrestles with the question of why and how this could happen. It's a hard concept to see days like this and still try to reconcile within our hearts that God is good. For some of us, that is all the hope that we have to hold onto. For others... if you told them that, all the pain, anger and fear in their hearts would erupt, not knowing how their precious babies could have been taken away. I am among those that cling to the hope I have in Christ and it doesn't always make the heart aches easier, but it does give me something to keep living for.

Oh fragile hearts! How could you endure such sorrow?! I am at a loss for words... only the prayers that the God who does bind up the broken-hearted and heals them of their wounds, as Psalm 147:3 promises- will be closer than ever to those grieving. I know that it was never God's will for such things to happen, but I can say- knowing from my own set of sorrows and pain in my life... none that I feel can compare to what I'm sure these families are feeling at this time... that God will weave through this tragedy and make something beautiful from the broken pieces of this mess. "For God works through all things for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes" (Romans 8:28). He has called us all to His purposes, and the only thing that can reconcile what has happened is the fact that He also gives us free will, and I will be the first to admit that it can be horrifying what we make of it.

I want my heart to be soft enough and compassionate enough to grapple with these questions, understanding what a sensitive subject this is and that the wounds are still very much fresh and fragile. To say that God couldn't have stopped it, would be to deny His omnipotence, and God knows when hearts are willing to change. I can't speak for the man behind the gun, but it is likely that there was such a darkness inside his heart that hope was all but lost. I know God continues to pursue us, and even fight for us until that very last second, but the choice is always left up to us. There is no way of knowing the reasons for this man's behavior in it's entirety, but I can say that there is a spiritual war waging around us everyday and this even is proof of that. It's a matter of whether we we let the darkness win out or not.

It breaks my heart to hear the ways that people are responding with hatred toward the shooter, and I understand, they have every right to do so. But the cross that our savior carried was for our crimes, our sins, and our failings... as well as to forgive the very ones who crucified Him. We as a nation must find it in our hearts to forgive also, as hard as that might be. Ezekiel 18:23 says "DO I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked?" declares the Lord GOD, "rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?" That is the heart of our God, and our should be the same. Though I will surely grieve over the loss of the innocent and God does no less- in fact we cannot even begin to fathom at the extent of the ways that God's heart breaks, and because He is a just and Holy God, I know that no sin goes unpunished.

The comfort I have in the midst of all this, is that God sees the big picture, and he knows how even te tragedy will change peoples lives and the stories of hope and maybe even forgiveness will come from all this, if we will only open up our hearts and allow Him to mend our brokenness and heal our wounds.   His desire is to make us like Him, loving like Him. He gave up His life so that many might have the chance to live, and again... I can't speak with certainty, but perhaps the lives that were lost today may open doors for many to have the chance to believe in a purpose and a hope. To be sure, I don't have all the answers, I don't know what God has in store for us, for this nation or for this world, apart from what His word tells us.

I will say that for myself, my eyes have been opened and I am wide awake to the desperate need for God to heal this land. I spent a lot of today asking God why America was so screwed up, but the truth is... it's everywhere. We may not hear about it that often, but every day an innocent life is lost regardless if that is because of some form of disease or because of some act of violence. There is a group pf believers that are persecuted every day in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine and their faith is even stronger because of it. God can use their circumstances to reveal His glory, and I know He will use this one as well, but we must all do our part in loving our neighbor- not just when they deserve it, cause the truth is, none of us deserve to be loved. But He chooses to love us anyways, because He sees the potential in us and believes that we are worth it. It's time for us all to rise up and really start living like Jesus and may the trumpets soon resound and signal the way for the rider of the white horse that has and will come to redeem us all. Until then, we shall not tarry or wait with complacent hearts, but with heart aflame seek His glory, and fall on our knees to pray.

Levi the Poet, New Album- "Seasons"

Last night I had the honor and privileged of meeting Levi Macallister and seeing him perform his art here at River City Church in Missoula, MT. I have been an unashamed fan for quite some time now and am well versed and familiar with his previous works from Monologues and Werewolves, as well. Like many, I was drawn to his individual style of what some would argue to be poetry, but a sure art form nonetheless. He manages to use well thought out, profound lyrics to bring out the raw and vulnerable in us all.  However I was amazed even further with the new elements he brought to his art with his newest album, "Seasons."

His own lyrics sum it up best when he says, "some will love it because it’s honest, and some will hate it because it’s crude." He definitely has an edge to his art that is unique and all his own, some likely have found it offensive. I however, find it real. I find it passionate. Nothing shows that more than Levi's latest album. "Seasons" takes his willingness to share his story and his passion, and not just make it about the experiences, but about the sense that we all have stories, we have all been scarred, and we are all searching for something greater to make something of worth out of it all. Levi shares that hope through his album "Seasons" more than any previously, although the others area certainly not lacking in that message to be sure! 

He has fine tuned his art adding in a more melodic and passionate edge to his newest pieces as well, with piano parts and singing from his wife, Brandi, as well as other instrumental elements added to the mix that make this album well worth not just the lyrical content but the creativity that he expresses through the musical aspects as well. And his performance last night: Inspiring to say the least! Thanks Levi for sharing your hope and your heart through the lyrics and poems you call art! It truly is something glorious! 

You can check Levi out on his website www.levithepoet.net

I hope my readers find it as awe-inspiring as I do! 

Cheers!    

           Megan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjMkjIu_8LQ

Going Deeper

Funny how a place can bring so many memories with it an how we can associate a place with those memories, either good or bad. The Montana Assembly Of God Glacier Bible Camp grounds have always brought a heavy mix of both. I have been a total of 4 times now, for a variety of both youth summer camps as well as retreats, each time usually as a leader of some form, and each time it brings it's own challenges, along with it's own blessings.

Upon returning from this last trip to this place from my youth... Actually, I'm only 23 still... I can still claim youthfulness right? I will anyway. This past weekend was spent with the Chi Alpha group from the University of Montana campus, for their annual Go Deep Fall Retreat. It is my fist time attending any Chi Alpha event outside of what they do on campus, however, Over the past 2 months I have been creating some pretty awesome bonds with these peeps! 

Most of my experiences at Glacier Bible Camp have been a full on battle, this weekend however was different. I know that being a part of Chi Alpha is a gift, and I am blessed by this fact. Perhaps it was the fact that I went as a student, rather than a leader, or that I was going with a group of people at a different level of maturity than I have before, and perhaps it was the fact that I have been wearing myself thin with everything that I have going on in my life and I just desperately needed a break! Whatever the case, this past weekend has been amazing! I feel like I was able to abide, without any responsibilities waiting on my shoulders, and just resting in beautiful fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and in the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit!

This weekend I had the opportunity to connect with many of the girls that are in the weekly Bible Study I have been hosting in my dorm room. I love these girls so much, I love the transparency and vulnerability I have seen in this girls every week. In fact, I am struck by the willingness of this generation as a whole- to be transparent and even vulnerable at times. I fully believe that it is this kind of heart that God will use to reveal His Glory and bring Revival to the world! Week after week I am blessed by these amazing young women of God, and I am little by little having the amazing opportunities to get to see them in their true selves. In those moments when they are struggling, those moments of doubt or questioning, those moments when they are tired, goofy, sarcastic, excited... you name it. I am blessed being here on campus because that means that I get to do life together, with these girls! I get to do the very thing that I have been taught the last four years and the very thing I love- which is to love and disciple these girls.

Last night after our Bible Study, we stayed up until midnight doing homework together, and afterward, thanks to our discussion before we hit our school books- God opened the door for us to be intensely vulnerable with each other. I walked back to my dorm with a greater sense of purpose and the calling on this campus, not just for myself but for each and every one of these girls. I went to bed with a very full, yet somewhat heavy heart. Our conversation proved to me what my spiritual father has reminded me of frequently...  Jason's words hit me thinking about the weight of their truth. "We are not called to share everything in our lives with every person, but God definitely puts people in our lives that we are meant to share specific things with, all for His glory and a greater cause." I know that this rings true with these relationships God has placed in my life this semester, I was blown away by the connection that I made with these girls last night.

While away at the retreat one of our exchange students decided to implement a 24 hour prayer room. One of my most encouraging and most powerful God moments while I was there took place in this room. Praying with another one of these girls and feeling the power and her passion that accompanied her prayers was one of the greatest encouragements and reminders that I am not alone in my dreams and my desire to see my city and my campus changed. I saw some awesome things happen on our retreat, even outside of those beautiful, intimate prayer room moments and the amazing fellowship as well. I saw God's spirit and His glory fall upon during our times of worship, and rest upon us- over and over again, I had the awesome privilege of seeing 4 people give their hearts to the Lord for the first time in one night, and the follow day, to see 3 of my dear friends walking in obedience to get baptized. I saw God move in powerful ways, and it made it all the more worthwhile seeing the wonder written on the faces of several of these dear sisters.

Early this morning, there were several of these friends that met together for prayer at the Chi Alpha house near campus, and as we prayer for our families and our friends, as we prayed for them to know the Love of Christ in real ways in their lives and as we prayed for our campus and for God's power to be effective in our ministry and our witness in this place it struck me... powerful things are happening in my life and in my world, and I can trace that back to being purposeful in prayer and in those relationships! My city is on the brink of an outpouring of Revival, and the more we pursue His heart in the prayer, the more of Heaven we will see coming to Earth. I am both humbled and excited to see what God continues to do from here. Lord, I pray you help us to represent you well! <3 p="p">

Encountering Jesus

Being quite honest, Friday was the worst day that I have had in quite some time. Every plan and hope I had fell through the roof, all because of some serious financial stress. In fact, to say these last few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement! About a month ago I was asked to help out with a benefit concert event called "Get Loud" for an organization called "Love Has Come." I wasn't entirely sure what I should be expecting, all I know is that after the kind of day I had been having and with all the stress and exhaustion I was feeling built up from the past week or so- the last thing I wanted was to go do anything! This would just be one more thing on the agenda to add to my already super hectic schedule. For about an hour after my last school commitment of the day, I argued with myself over whether or not I should go. The thing is, I made a promise and I try my best to be someone who sticks to my word.

So at about 5:30 pm, I grabbed my pumpkin white mocha and headed down to the Wilma Theater. Once I got there, no one seemed to know who I was, or how I got roped into helping... truth is, I didn't either. Most of the people there I had never even seen before... all I know is someone (who I also didn't know) asked me on the Facebook event page to help, and I said yes. It was definitely one of those moments that was totally NOT coincidence! The more I wandered around the theater in my "Get Loud" volunteer t-shirt, the more out of place I felt with the group, so I started praying... a lot and then the more I became certain of my role there. About a half an hour before the event kicked off, as I was pacing the balcony area where I was asked to help oversee the ushering, the president and founder of Love Has Come stopped me and asked how I happened to get involved and who in the group did I know. I told him that I went to school with the drummer and lead guitarist/singer of the band that they were featuring that night, but I had no idea how I wound up ushering! The woman that I spoke with on Facebook was the one who asked me and I still have no idea who she is!

I preceded to share with Marc the very things that the Lord was impressing upon my heart in that moment. How God wanted to use this event to help unify the body of Christ and how this was going to be something that helped me to understand more of the call God had on my life for both music and adoption. I shared with Marc and his wife Abby both at different points during the night that I have have had a heart for adoption, especially international adoption, since I was a child at ten years old. As the the events of the night began and worship was well underway, I began praying and worshiping. I prayed for the Love Has Come team, for those involved in the event and for those in attendance, that hearts would be open and that God's glory would shine through in every single moment!

It didn't take long before I felt a strong sense that my world was about to get seriously altered! As I proceeded in worship, I went at it! Worshiping like nothing else mattered, because in that moment, after my hellish day... nothing else did! All of my worries, doubts and fears from the day faded, all of my issues... as big as they seemed to me, were nothing in comparison to God's love and greatness!

The combination of Jesus's sweet presence along with a greater revelation of His heart for the orphaned and widowed, for the broken and the rejects...it all just made my troubles seems so insignificant compared to all the children whose faces flashed across the projection screen... Children without families and homes, children without clean water even... I did have those! Maybe not the best, but of priceless value to those who have had nothing. My heart melted more and more with each picture, each story. Each song ministered so much to my spirit, I knew that my Daddy God was right there with me, near me. I could feel His embrace and hear Him singing over me, which is exactly what my heart needed. He whispered to me,  "Megan, this is the beginning of a shift. This is it, darling! You and me, taking on the rest of the world! Your life will never be the same." Holy Spirit spoke clearly to my heart on so many levels! This past week, I had lost my sense of passion and my purpose felt nothing more than just another obligation. That night all that changed... I am hearing Papa speaking some of the same kind of things over me that He did as I sat on the bench in the foyer of the Bonnie Brae House- home of the historical Azusa Street Revival- Where I was surrounded Brad and Sarah Webster's revival group from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

That was a night I will never forget. I know tonight will be filed away in my memories forever as one of those markers along the the path of my faith walk. I was a glorious God mess most of the night- laughing, dancing, weeping, praying and praising! I feel so revived! God has picked me up in my weakest moments and extended His amazing gift of love and grace. After all, the doubts and questions during this past week, are of no consequence... as it says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." My passion has been renewed, with a greater sense of the Dreams that I already have for my life and have had since childhood, the ones that God has given me. Along with the new dream of perhaps going to Haiti to help build the orphan center with Love Has Come!

The writer Francois Mauriac said that no love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. This is truly one of those connections that I know will impact my future greatly and as crazy as it sounds, it has already impacted my present, and even my past! As I walked out of the theater at the end of the night... I looked down at my hands under the street lights and saw gold dust glimmering... all over my body! Heaven is invading my world.. and this is just the beginning. I will never be the same!

Someone Who Will Make it All Worthwhile...

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. I just want to get my thoughts out on paper in hopes of moving forward. Lately I have been feeling so lethargic. Feeling like life is a joke and lacking to motivation to do anything, except to go to work and that is motivated by fear.... not at all a healthy place to be. I'm not sure why I am in this rut lately. As Vice President of Active Minds, I am fully aware that I have all the warning signs of depression.... but I am not depressed. I have a good life, amazing friends, and more blessings than most. I'm not sure if it's the weather or if it's something spiritual or a shift in my life where I am starting not to care about the things that once mattered. All I know is that I don't want to stay here.

Like I said, lately I've been feeling like life is a joke. I know that it's not, I know and believe with everything in me that God has a big purpose for my life and that I am going to school and pursuing what I am because God has called me here and He wants to use me to make a difference in the world. Why then is my motivation lacking? Where is my passion? What I need is someone to come and make this all worthwhile.

"Despite the darkness, I believe this fog is telling me something. 

It's telling me I'm exactly where I'm meant to be." - Donald Miller

Truth is, passion is contagious, when you have someone who is passionate about learning, and passionate about life... it's contagious! You get excited about it all too! What's missing in my life that I can't find the joy I once did in my studying or in my classes, in my church...? Don't get me wrong, all these things are good. I'm just not feelin' it lately. I would greatly appreciate prayer from anyone who happens to be reading this. Trouble is, I feel like more often than not my words get thrown by the wayside and there is so much doubt that what I write or say will really make any difference. I am one voice in a clamor of many. Am I crazy to think that I can do and be what God has called me to? Some days I think I am. Still that wont stop me from chasing that calling and those dreams God has given me. Lord Jesus, You have called me to be a voice in my generation, a voice on this campus... Help me to move past my doubts and fears, help me to find joy and passion again in my life, because this isn't working out so well for me. Jesus, come. Be the one I need to spark that passion in my heart, show me your passion for me so that I might become more contagious to share it with others. Be my one who comes and makes this all worthwhile!

"Teach us what the flowers already know, that we'll live and die 

and you'll clothe us. All for your glory." -Donald Miller

These past few weeks there is a prophetic image and word that I keep getting. I have had three people confirm that. That word is new beginnings and the picture is a sunrise  Lord, I need that light to come breaking through this fog and coldness that I am feeling right now. Let me feel the warmth of your love.

Circles. Thoughts of an Insomniac ;)

Everything feels like it's moving in circles - My memories, things from my childhood and things as I grew into my teens and memories from the most impacting things in my life. All those have lately been coming back around full circle... Thoughts from LA keep my heart busy tonight with so much love for that city and so much love for the people there... there have been several tears already tonight and I feel like as I start to venture back into all those memories as I begin writing a manuscript from my stories there, it's going to be one crazy enlightening road, and there will be still more tears. I suppose my heart could use a good stirring, a good awakening. My life is meant for more than this... for what it becomes. There is a distant shadow of fear of what that might look like, what that could mean for my life and my world right now- in this season. But I have to weigh in and find if it's all gonna be worth it in the end. Lord, I need your help figuring out what that might look like. I'm afraid I'm about to completely lose it! But isn't that what you asked of me when I made the choice to seek after and follow you? "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."

The question is... are these circles headed toward a downward spiral or into wide, sweeping arches, expanding that territory still further and allowing me to dream bigger, to believe for things greater still? I feel like this state of mind could easily make me an Alice venturing forth into wonderland as that crazy Cheshire cat grins waiting for my next move. I feel like my heart is crying out, forcing to ask the question- "Have I gone mad?" Ah... but of course I have. Entirely bonkers. "But I'll tell you a secret....” as Alice says.... "All the best people are." Guess that's what it's gonna take: To go off the deep end, to dive in and allow you to catch me, to surrender everything and allow my heart to continually be screaming out to you... "Here I am send me!!"

I wanna have my "Yes Heart" back again. Like I did in LA, I know it's there, I know that girl is inside of me begging for any opportunity to come out. I think my pride prevents me from opening the door of my own prison and letting her come out and enjoy freedom that she has already won- through Christ. Lord, all I really want in the end is to be found in you... and to be made complete. It's only this kind of purpose- This kind of love that can do that.

God I feel that tug to be back in that city of Angels almost constantly now. Soon enough that will drive me nuts as well! If it's not already... perhaps this is evidence of that. To be that person I know that I am. To write, to sing, to love... without limitation.... I guess that is why I sit here, tired perhaps even exhausted, yet wide awake... because my heart is yearning for so much much more.

I've never stopped dreaming.

Worthy to be Celebrated

My sophomore year at the University of Montana is now well underway and according to tradition it is time for yet another blog concerning the journey that I am on. Lately I have been super involved in with a campus ministry called Chi Alpha. Last year I had the opportunity to go to a couple of events, and each time I was always accepted and welcomed with open arms. This group of people always had so much love and it made me want to be around them all the time, but sadly, schedule had never allowed me to do so. This year however is different. I have made it a priority to be involved with Chi Alpha and it is already well worth my intent. This group has been an answer to my prayers in more ways than one. The second time I went to their weekly gathering called "Pursuit," one of the girls asked me if I would be willing to host a bible study in my dorm room. I have a bigger room this year with a common space/ living room area which is perfect for hosting a group of people for a bible study and my room mates have been more than gracious! The request was an answer to my prayers in seeking ways to reach out to the girls within my dorm and making an impact here on campus.



This past Monday we had our second week of this bible study and I am already finding a major connection with so many of the girls that have been joining us, and that too is an answer to prayer in the fact that I have been longing for a family and a sisterhood. Someone that understands me and my beliefs, someone that has my back with the challenges that I know I'm gonna face with life. Last year was hard in so many ways feeling like I was surrounded by a spiritual darkness here on campus and having very little encouragement or support in the battles that I was facing. I have my church, but more often than not I find I am giving out encouragement and support more then I am receiving it.

This week I had coffee with my friend Cynnimin, who had shared with me her struggles of feeling like a freak even within her own family. I know this struggles all to well myself, but that reminded me of the encouragement my friend Steven shared with me the Summer after my Senior year of high school when I shared with him this constant feeling of not feeling like I belonged, no matter where I went! I'll never forget what he said. "That's because you don't belong. Anywhere. You have been set apart by God for something far better than you can comprehend and until you find out what that is, nothing else will seem to fit or be good enough." I shared this encouragement with Cynnimin  along with a new perspective of God's heart toward her. It also reminded me that God feels that way about me- about all of us! 2 Corinthians 4: 7 says, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." He has not chosen us, but created us, as precious gems that he has set aside, preparing us for that crown of purpose for which we occupy our role, to shine gloriously in His love and His beauty.

All that being said, This is a new season, filled with new opportunities. I can already feel a spiritual shift in the environment of this school and am fully anticipating this year will be the best one yet! I am believing for changed lives and a revival generation stirring up! At the end of last semester I was talking to my Spiritual dad, Jason about this quote that I had read earlier that day... the quote read,

"Go where you are adored, not where you are ignored;

to the place where you are celebrated, not tolerated."

 -Joseph Simmons 

I struggled with that then. I asked Jason how I could be celebrated for who I am when everywhere I went it felt the opposite. He told me this simple yet profound wisdom. "Learn to celebrate others and even to celebrate myself... you do this by letting God celebrate you in your times of solitude with Him, and learning to find the gold inside of others and drawing that out and loving them, celebrating each and every bit of potential that God has placed within them, and you." Jason has been one of the best examples of this that I have ever seen, and after learning much about the art of celebrating the people as God had intended...

I am finding a place where I am celebrated, and yes, even adored for who I am. Not just what I can do... but my personality, my gifts, my passions... my heart. Which is huge. Praise God I have found this group, this family. a little taste of my heavenly home! <3>

Love Letters

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." 

♥ 2 Corinthians 3:2-3  ♥

I love slow days at work, because at my job, that means I get to do one of my favorite things in the whole world and sit back and read. I have just finished up my summer goal of reading the entire Narnia series, going back to back with my little sister who finished the books a month before I did. Ok, I'll admit it. She kicked my trash- but it's not like she had 2 youth summer camps to help lead and a full time job to keep her busy... she has cross country and books. I am glad she read the books though, which was actually the whole point of the challenge. It was one way that I figured my little sister might be open to the love of Christ and the truths of the Bible. Growing up in a Mormon home doesn't exactly allow much room for the reality of that to be presented.



 In some ways I miss those summer days when everything was so laid back and sometimes perfect, however- I loved being with the kids at camp, especially Camp Perea and every single part of this summer has taught me something valuable, up to this last week where I am learning more about having faith and patience in God's timing, and in trusting Him. With work being slow lately I've been getting a chance to fall in love with my Bible all over again and lately I've been in awe of the words that I've been reading in 2 Corinthians.



Paul writes to the Corinthian church encouraging them of his love for them and the love that Christ has for them. It is because of Christ's love that Paul is able to love the saints with such a deep and faithful love. He mentions doubts and pain, he mentions trials and persecution and yet his joy is full, and his love for the brothers and sisters of Corinth is still fuller. It's truly beautiful to see through these letters the strength that God's love gives to both be loved and to love. Both of which can be really hard at times. Hard because it requires humility and forgiveness, it requires sacrifice and dying to yourself. A lot to wrap your mind around and something I have been thinking much on lately in regards to the people in my life and how I can do better at living this out.



But the words that seemed to touch my heart the most during yesterday's reading was where he explains to his dear friends that we are in fact the love letters written upon our very hearts and we are called to be a manifestation of that truth. Letters like the ones penned from a faithful friend who loves the church and his savior more that life, but what's more... letters that are literally penned upon our hearts from before time began from the maker of our hearts and of the universe. We are known and read by everybody.

I honestly am lost in this concept of being a love letter from Jesus to the world. The Bible is one of those love letters to us, yet- he designed us to be the embodiment of that love letter to the world. Beautiful and enchanting, to bring joy and peace and encouragement- helping everyone that we meet want to know more about this love and seek out the author of these letters. Helping to stir up the desire within every heart to know and be known by God and for them to be the best version of themselves that they can possibly be- both as individuals and as they are unified within the Bride of Christ. I heard a quote once that, "You may be the only Bible some people ever read." If that is truth, then what are our lives saying to others about the love of Christ and who He is. Not only who He is to us, but who He is according to the truth of His word. What does my life say? They say actions speak louder than words. Lord, I pray that my life will be speaking volumes about your love for this world and how worthy you are of our love. Let every line of this letter which is my life- tell of your greatness for generations to come. ♥

Treasured in Her Heart

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called" Ephesians 4:1

Right now as I sit at a table with my Bible, notebook and iced Chai, staring outside the window of my favorite downtown coffee shop, there is so much stirring within my heart that I can feel the hurricane of emotion welling up inside of me as I fight back tears. Thinking about the process of how all this came to both makes me laugh and leaves me with a feeling of nostalgia. Remembering about a couple years ago how the man I serve under as a leader in the youth ministry at my church talked about the next big social networking site called twitter and I swore it sounded like the stupidest thing on earth and how I would never join... and then, a year later, it took joining a worth cause of being on the To Write Love On Her Arms street teams for me to sign up for an account and use it to spread the word. Twitter quickly became what any other blog or social networking site has been for me, which is an opportunity to share the love of Jesus with the world and a witness of what He is doing in my heart. Along with TWLOHA stuff, it got me more involved with the students at The Connection- (youth ministry I work with) and more connected with the people and organizations I left in LA about 3 years ago when I experienced the Missions trip at the Los Angeles Dream Center that changed my life. I started following the move of the Lord at the Pasadena International House of Prayer and that got my heart stirred up for what I got a glimpse of when I took those steps of fate 3 years ago.

I'm realizing now more than ever that those 2 weeks spent seeing God on display in the streets of Los Angeles were never meant for a one time experience. My heart feels somewhat torn by the passion for both my own city and the City of Angels. I feel a shift in my role here at my church and with the relationships I have here, and yet I know that it is not time to leave them behind. I don't feel like I'm really meant to leave this city... but in all honesty- that could very well be my comfort zone speaking. Right now the thought of planning to spend a summer in LA is scary enough without thinking about the possibilities of maybe creating my life and future there someday, as one of my closets friends and mentors has predicted, so I will leave that in the hands of the Lord to lead me where He may in His perfect timing. I know that there is a reason for this passion and this burden on my heart and that all the dreams and desires that the Lord has placed inside of me are for a reason. Every gift He has given me is meant to be used to change the world and I long to see every promise that the Lord has ever given me fulfilled.

I am learning that as the Perfect Father, God's desires are to make our lives more beautiful, more glorious and more blessed than we ever thought possible! I will trust in His plans and wait in His timing for the call that He has placed on my life. Lord, let me live worthy of the calling that you have placed upon me! To you be the praise, honor and glory forever! ♥

The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

My Purpose: Now- For Such A Time As This

My heart is burdened tonight with the spirit of this University. My mind is flooded with so many thoughts and questions, so many feelings. Especially toward our response to the sexual assaults that have occurred. God, my heart truly breaks for what has happened to these individuals and I wish so badly that there was something tangible that I could do to help. So many have placed these walls around their hearts and I feel as though I keep running into them. I understand the self defense mechanisms in that, but I also understand the sin. The arrogance and pride that come with a hardened heart make me sick. I know that there is a lot that is unseen, so much that is a spiritual war raging around me, and I can't help but to believe that I've been placed here for such a time as this!

The atmosphere on this campus is so upsetting. So many students who feel the need to party and fill there lives with so much idolatry. The liberal mindset that tells us we are free to think and do whatever we want when we want... well we are paying for it dearly! We have set ourselves up for this! Why can't we take responsibility for our own actions, for our own sins?!

We have so many people living in fear right now. Crazy because I have felt that fear- I walked the streets of downtown LA and prayed the whole time, afraid for my life! God gave me peace... and protection. Tonight, like so many nights, I walked across campus alone, late at night, and even here- to be honest, I have felt that fear. But not tonight. Even with what has happened as of late, even with the knowledge about the dangers that we should be aware of- there was no fear. Only heart break and the voices of so many girls who are upset over "society" making us this way, making us afraid. Maybe it is society, but it is individuals that make up society, and each individual plays a role in some way or another. My fear in the past came as a result of nearly being taken advantage of, but I stood my ground. I had a voice.

Now My heart aches to think of the girls who might not have had a voice... who had perhaps been drugged or silenced in some other fashion, But this drug ridden culture here in this city has made it so easy! I've found that I'm realizing, in perfect timing- now more than ever- that I have authority over darkness. I have authority over this spirit here. Over the many spirits that choose to manifest themselves over this campus and create the oppression. The hope we have is in the promise that Jesus will trade our brokenness for something beautiful- beauty for ashes. God, I just pray that you would give me wisdom on how to be a light here. How to be a voice and a witness to the hurting and the broken. Every where I go- to my dorm, my hall, my building, my classes, all across campus!

It blows my mind to think that God looked into eternity- down the tunnel of time- and strategically placed me at the University in this season. He knew that I would be enrolling at this specific time, in this moment, created for such a time as this! Truth is, any of us that claim your name have that same authority and it's time that your army of saints begin to rise up and fight on behalf of the lost and the broken here in this city and on this campus! Now, with a new level of freedom, a new found confidence in who I am, and the authority, identity and purpose I have in Christ, I know that God has got something crazy in the works here! Jesus, I only hope we see your Spirit's leading.

To Being Content

Circles. It's crazy to think of these patterns in my life,
the people that have been brought into it and
the gifts that they bring with them.
Their stories, their personalities, their talents...
every essence of all that they are- who it is that these people are,
that seem to so quickly grow very dear to me.
This is the sort of thing that I feel the need to lift my eyes heavenward
and cry with tears of joy, the goodness that my life holds now.
I can't help but think of the dark pages of my past life,
My days of teenage angst and heavy depressive state.
There I wore a cloak of darkness, now I am robed in light.
I'd like to think I never wore a mask, but I guess we often do.
My face was one of of sorrow and pain and now I wear
the smile of a joyful heart, and that girl I used to be
holds but faint traces of the girl I am today, my artistic heart
and curious spirit have now been brought completely to life
and my God has given me a home in which to thrive! A garden
in my heart- a place to rest, to be content. What are circles
in the midst of all this? The thought that each life touches
so many others, we're all intertwined and there's nothing that I have
experienced that will not somehow play out or speak to someone one else's
heart, another life, like wings on butterfly, creating earthquakes
somewhere far, unseen... someplace we might never hear of... I'm learning
this truth through the youth of this generation and the more I invest
in these young hearts and minds- the more I seem to learn about life
and about myself, about God, and the purpose for which I live and laugh and
cry and breathe and sing. I will be among the first to say that my life
is nowhere near perfect. I have bad days, have my share of sorrows or
pain but I am content. I love where my life stands as of now, now
that's not to say I'm never moving forward or that there's things that
need not change... perhaps the better sense is that of trust, which then leads
on into contentment. I may not have it all together, I most certainly
still have questions, but I will trust that God, that in His timing will
shine light on all things and continue to perfect my life... and... my world. <3 p="p">
"Even the worst of days with Jesus are still better than the best of days without Him"- Misty Edwards

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” -Rainer Maria Rilke

♥ The Heart Of It All ♥

"Each life effects the other- the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." Ruby Pier ♥

One moment. One moment can change so much. That moment when I was presented with the possibility that nothing is in fact coincidence, I wanted to believe it- Honestly, in many ways I do... but this morning has me thinking back on a lot of my life. Remember relationships... some so beautiful that I could scarcely believe they are true and some- some so painful that I wish I could reverse time and take it all back so that it never happened. Why such thoughts? haha. I heard a quote today that hit me hard. "Strangers are but family we have yet to come to know" -Mitch Albom

My mind plunged into thoughts of all the people I have ever known and all the people yet unknown... people I have seen but never met. People like Ashley, whom I met on a Missions trip to the LA Dream Center. All this people are so dearly loved of God, and He has had our lives overlapping and linked together for a reason to make something glorious of it. I think God wants to do some deep healing in my heart. In all of our hearts- and sometimes He uses people around us to do that.

Lately I feel as though I have had a divided heart. Not in a bad way exactly, but as if I have been standing at a fork in the road for quite some time. I stand knowing that God has a purpose for me, but also that I have the choice in which path I take. This is the very heart of this blog, I think... learning to take the road less traveled, yet still stay on the path in which God leads me.

I'm standing here wondering where I need to be planted and who will be there to guide me. And even as I write this I realize I have been planted right where I need to be and God himself will guide me. I also know that God has designed me to be deeply relational and I need people in my life to help me grow, that God has planted the desires in my heart for a reason, and I so long to see them fulfilled. Time is teaching me patience, but also to be content with right now and understand the blessings I have in front of me... which surpass anything I truly could have imagined and far beyond what I deserve. I'm also seeing more and more- that the best is yet to come.

My friend Carrie once told me that I was gonna change the world. It blew my mind to think of it- still does, but I see now, each action in my life is like a ripple-effect and the more I lift up greatness in others, the more I myself will become great. That is what Christ taught, "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be a servant of all." (Mark 10:43-44) My desire is to teach others that also, because the truth is, we will all change the world in some way- we will all leave our mark. Hopefully for the better. Looking ahead to the new year in 2012, I anticipate new beginnings, new mistakes, new adventures... but not forgetting at all the past and what God has taught me. He knows the things I must carry with me ahead... on the road less travel by.