Everything feels like it's moving in circles - My memories, things from my childhood and things as I grew into my teens and memories from the most impacting things in my life. All those have lately been coming back around full circle... Thoughts from LA keep my heart busy tonight with so much love for that city and so much love for the people there... there have been several tears already tonight and I feel like as I start to venture back into all those memories as I begin writing a manuscript from my stories there, it's going to be one crazy enlightening road, and there will be still more tears. I suppose my heart could use a good stirring, a good awakening. My life is meant for more than this... for what it becomes. There is a distant shadow of fear of what that might look like, what that could mean for my life and my world right now- in this season. But I have to weigh in and find if it's all gonna be worth it in the end. Lord, I need your help figuring out what that might look like. I'm afraid I'm about to completely lose it! But isn't that what you asked of me when I made the choice to seek after and follow you? "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."
The question is... are these circles headed toward a downward spiral or into wide, sweeping arches, expanding that territory still further and allowing me to dream bigger, to believe for things greater still? I feel like this state of mind could easily make me an Alice venturing forth into wonderland as that crazy Cheshire cat grins waiting for my next move. I feel like my heart is crying out, forcing to ask the question- "Have I gone mad?" Ah... but of course I have. Entirely bonkers. "But I'll tell you a secret....” as Alice says.... "All the best people are." Guess that's what it's gonna take: To go off the deep end, to dive in and allow you to catch me, to surrender everything and allow my heart to continually be screaming out to you... "Here I am send me!!"
I wanna have my "Yes Heart" back again. Like I did in LA, I know it's there, I know that girl is inside of me begging for any opportunity to come out. I think my pride prevents me from opening the door of my own prison and letting her come out and enjoy freedom that she has already won- through Christ. Lord, all I really want in the end is to be found in you... and to be made complete. It's only this kind of purpose- This kind of love that can do that.
God I feel that tug to be back in that city of Angels almost constantly now. Soon enough that will drive me nuts as well! If it's not already... perhaps this is evidence of that. To be that person I know that I am. To write, to sing, to love... without limitation.... I guess that is why I sit here, tired perhaps even exhausted, yet wide awake... because my heart is yearning for so much much more.
I've never stopped dreaming.
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