Consumed

"The heart is deceitful beyond all else, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9

Tonight I have been wrestling with so many thoughts and emotions. It doesn't help when I am trying to write a story for my Creative Fiction class. When I read fiction, it's easy to just get lost in another world, but as I write it I am realizing that I am nowhere in it, and that is a battle. I feel like my heart is fighting what I am writing on the page and what is inside of me. There are so many stories within me that I can't possibly contain them all.This is why I am a writer. It is in this moment when I am realizing that I cannot write anything more until I write what's inside. Yet, the question that I always seem to struggle with is this: are my stories important? I guess it has always been a fear of mine. That the history I carry will be kept hidden, or die with me. There are a few in my life that have heard mere echoes of these stories, some have even caught some depth to the shadows forming shapes out of the blurred images I somehow create. I am still trying to shut out the accusations that my heart is screaming at me.... "You will never be fully known. Will anyone fully love you if you are?"

I apologize for the raw honesty here, but nights like tonight where I can't quite pinpoint the root of where these thoughts are coming from, it helps to process it all through writing. I believe that God gave me this life for a purpose. Every single part of it is an unfolding and revealing of His love on display, His glory made manifest in and through my life. Every part of me a chapter in the story He is writing, including the darkest moments and things that I have been most ashamed of. The question now vying for my attention- Which stories where meant to be told? I understand that not every part of me is meant to be laid bare before every soul that I encounter, that it takes wisdom to know how and when to tells these stories.... but how do I guard my heart, yet not shrink back because of fear? The fear of rejection or fear of my life proving to be of no worth at all is a common struggle for me. I know that half of this is a lie, but how do you shut out those subtle voices telling you it will never matter, all while feeling if I do not write, I will be consumed. The stories are almost like that "fire shut up in my bones." The other day I was posed a question that I suppose I am still wrestling with, one that continually echoes in my heart as a reminder of all those empty spaces that need to be filled and all the wounds yet to be healed: "Are you okay living your life with no walls and no ceilings?"

A scary concept if you think about it. To be so transparent before man that they see your every weakness, every failure, every success.... and to be so vulnerable before God that there is no denying my continual need for Him moment by moment. Yet, this is what I want. This is one of the voices clamoring through the other lies that come screaming out at me in the late hours when I sit at home alone, in silence. This voice is quieter than all the rest, but the truth and the hope of it makes it so much stronger. I guess when I think about the prophet Jeremiah and what he was really talking about when he said that he said God's word was a fire in his heart that could not contain... the fire shut up in his bones.... he was talking about walking out the path God laid before him in obedience and humility, even in the midst of persecution and rejection. Jeremiah was a man that understood what it meant to love without walls or ceilings in his life. My prayer is that whatever my heart is finding in the midst of its wrestling with these ideas, sorting out truth from lie, that it is glorifying to Christ. Though my heart is truly shouting, "You are ALL I want!" My spirit is willing, yet my flesh is weak. Lord, have mercy, for I am undone! 

Come on my Soul....

In Psalm 57, one of my heroes of the Bible writes: "My heart, oh God, is steadfast. My heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn."

David writes this psalm right after fleeing from a friend who has not only turned his back on him, yet tried to kill him. David has escaped the wrath of Saul and his attempts to kill him several times, and yet he sings! He praises God. I have always loved David gift of prophetic pen, but more than that even, I have loved his authenticity. I love how raw and unashamed a man of Royal stature can be! It's difficult enough I feel for any given person, in any given position in life to be real and vulnerable with what's going on in life. Let alone to have a man, a king, and one of great influence.... bearing his soul through song and pen!

When I read this verse, this Psalm.... I am struck by the fact that David is obviously being attacked in a very tangible way, and toward the beginning of the Psalm, he admits his struggle with the circumstances: "I am in the midst of lions; I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts- men who's teeth are spears and arrows, who's tongues are sharpened swords." He is not hiding his turmoil, and yet.... he sings! Not a bluesy, melancholic song.... a song of praise, of hope. Why? How is that he is able to praise God, when he is literally attempting to preserve his life? By commanding his heart that God is higher than his emotions. "Awake, my soul!" Wake up, soul! Look at your God! Look at who He is! And praise Him, for He is worthy!

It occurs to me as I read David's outpouring of his heart, his realness, his vulnerability and his honesty.... He is calling forth something within Him to rise up! Something that he knows is there, because he's seen it. David knows that he loves God and that God is worthy to be praised, but to be honest..... "I don't feel like it" is a rut that many of us find ourselves in. I have myself struggled through just going through the motions of reading my Bible, or worship because it's what you do at church.... and church is what you do on the weekends if you love Jesus right?

There is something so wrong about that way of thinking. Not to excuse that behavior or thought process, but we are human, and I take comfort in knowing that one of the Biblical Greats struggled with that too. But he knew it was in his heart to love God and to trust God and to worship Him, even when his flesh was fighting it full force. David understood that his soul- mind, will and emotions- were not always on board with what his spirit wanted. The words of Jesus to His disciples reflected this truth as well.... "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So David, set an example by commanding his soul to get in line with his spirit. "Awake my soul and sing!" I was reminded this past Summer, when I was at the Pasadena International House of Prayer, in the prayer room 90% of the time this Summer... yet somehow stuff finding myself in a funk, and being frustrated with myself because "I just didn't feel like praying or worshiping." Even though I wanted to want. to. My spiritual father, Jason, reminded me of this truth. "Come on my soul, let down your walls and sing!"** That truth came up a lot this past Summer, and about halfway through the semester , I am being reminded of how easy it is to just accept "not feeling like it" and just be frustrated with ourselves. When we step out in faith to do what we want to want to do toward intimacy with God- He not only knows and sees our hearts, but He honors that as well. In His grace and Mercy he meets us right where we're at and carries us where we need to be, bringing breakthrough in are lives where we need it.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" ~Hebrews 4:14-16

**Lyrics from Rend Collective: Come On My Soul

That sounds Buddhist.....

The other day I was having coffee with a friend, and we were discussing the future. For me, I try not to plan to far ahead and embrace today's challenges as they come. Don't get me wrong, I am a dreamer,  and I love thinking about what the future may hold.... but I have also learned that nothing is set in stone. As it says in Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs His steps." I will admit that sometimes my mind goes in weird directions on how one thought spurs on another..... it got me thinking about the path of life and where that takes us, essentially where we choose to go. God is gonna keep us right where He needs us to be, sometimes backing us into a corner in His mercy to do so. Yet, as a loving Father, He has also given us our choice. The catch? He knows our hearts far better than we even know it for ourselves, He knows what we will choose. Nonetheless, there are a plethora of things that help us determine where we stand on the road of life: Our upbringings, our friends, what we're taught in school or church.... where we live.... etc. Those things can shape how we view ourselves, and even how we choose to view God. Sometimes we don't even realize it! Everyday we are at a crossroads of what we choose to believe.... about who God is, about the world, about who we are. We all are believing lies as a result of our experiences, past wounds and even due to the original sin beginning with Adam and Eve and the fall of man. Because of the fall, we are all trying to find our way back to Eden. This life is about the journey we take in getting there.

Lately I have been taking a class at the local university on Buddhist Hermaneutics in American Poetry. In all honesty, I began taking the class because I was required to have a diversity credit and only had 2 options. The other class...  'Expatriates in Paris' was full. Like many of us Christians, my skin was crawling at even the idea of being taught any doctrine that conflicted with my own. But I think that's the problem with most Christians.... and as I just said, I have been part of the problem, and in many ways, I probably still am. I was not looking forward to the start of the semester n regards to this class, however, when I looked at the syllabus and the literature we were assigned to read, it was some pretty awesome stuff and therefore I reason it might not be as bad as I thought. The first day of class, I ran into the other professor in the hallway on the way to said class, and told him about my frustration with his class being full. Since I have had this professor before, and loved him, it made it even harder to 'accept my fate.'  Needless to say, I was seriously considering dropping this Buddhist Hermaneutcs class when I learned that this professor was willing to squeeze me in and sign an override. As soon as I told him I would consider it, already knowing what I wanted, I heard a voice deep in my heart nudging me, "better pray about that first.... " I knew God was trying to tell me something I had overlooked before.

I prayed and wrestled with the decision for about a week, I didn't want to compromise where I stood with my faith in Christ, because I am definitely not one of those, "all roads lead to God" kind of people. On the other hand, I didn't want to shrink back on what this class might offer, or more so- what God had in store through this class, because of fear. After the first day of class, the professor openly stated that he was a Buddhist convert that grew up Presbyterian and then belonged to a Baptist church for awhile. Odd journey in my opinion.... Regardless, I kept getting the feeling that this was an opportunity for me to be a witness, not only to this professor, but also toward the other students in the class. It also helped that a christian friend of mine was also taking the class, for somewhat similar reasons. Except that she feels called to the Far East and therefore has a deep interest in Asian culture. As I was sharing my dilemma with two of my closest friends, one of them encouraged me that the class would probably only make my faith in Christ stronger, and yes, probably would challenge me, and force me to wrestle with God in many ways, but in the end my foundation would be even stronger. I knew she was right. I knew God had something amazing planned for this semester... Buddhist Hermanuetics class was going to be a significant part of that.

The more I have gone through this class, being now almost a third of the way through the semester, the more I am realizing so many of the reasons God places me in this class. One being that this past Summer He had called me to Thailand and much of the culture and the people there are Buddhist. One being to refine even myself with the concept of who I am looking to as my Savior in life.... to Jesus, or to myself. And of course finally, to grow my faith and my boldness in being a witness to those around me. As I have been hit with each of these revelations, the more I am sure of God's pleasing and perfect will. The thought that I might have missed some amazing blessings if I had dropped the class greatly saddens me. The fact that so many believers shrink back from so many great adventures that the Lord is totally in the midst of saddens me even more. Like I said, going into this class, I can't say that I blame them, however looking at the gift God has given me in taking this class, I would challenge anyone that feels like studying or being taught about another belief or another culture or way of life, to reconsider. You never know what doors God may be opening up for the purposes for which he has called you to and what your future will hold from there. The biggest thing is listening to His voice for direction and being obedient to His leading. Like I said, even in this we have a choice.

Musings (Of Autumn)

         Today I took a walk downtown. Partly because I needed time to think, time to pray and mull over the truths that I heard at church this morning- and partly because I had left my bike on Campus and needed to go and retrieve it. As walked over Higgins Street bridge that overlooks Caras Park and the Clarkfork River, I stopped about midway and watched the two men in wet suits climbing onto the shore with their paddle boards. Although I had a million thoughts in my mind in that moment, all fighting for my attention, I couldn't help but think of these men. I thought about how crazy they were to be jumping in a Montana river with it being nearly October and the water being undoubtedly, so cold. I looked over the river, across the way to the Orange Street bridge. My mind found a home with my affection of my city, the place I call home, and praising God that He has chosen to place me here. Thinking of where he's brought me and where I have been and as much as my heart longs for a return to California, I love it here. I spent the next few minutes asking God's forgiveness for not being content where I am. It was in that moment, as I decided to continue moving forward across the Higgins bridge. I was running my hand along the railing of the walkway there along the bridge when I realized that my heart is truly most content when it is fully satisfied in Christ. I couldn't help but smile as I allowed my mind and my heart to be enraptured by my beautiful city and the love that I have received from my Savior and Lord.

           I continued my walk toward the college campus, feeling the brisk wind as it blew my hair and my floral scarf about. I looked around me at the leaves on the trees, starting to transform into the colorful pallet of fall. I was reminded of one of the activities we did while I was in Pasadena at he Pulse Internship at the International House of Prayer. Our internship director lead us in a prophetic activation activity in which we sat in silence, waiting on the Lord after asking Him what season we were in. I was in a season of Winter then. As I walked down past the cute little houses along 6th Street, I tried listening to the Lord, pondering in my heart and my mind, which season I might be in at this current point of my life. I felt it as surely as the chill that caused me to pull my cardigan tighter around my body and cross my arms over my chest. I am undeniably in season of Fall. I have always loved fall in so many ways, except for the undeniable trumpet that Winter is on it's way.... although in my walk with the Lord, it would appear the seasons are working in reverse, at least thus far. I do, however, love everything else about Fall. I love scarves, and boots and the feeling of having a warm cup of coffee, tea, or cider in my hands. I love curling up in front of a fire place or wrapping up in a cozy blanket with a good book. I love the brisk air that carries just a hint of Winter, yet somehow mingles perfectly with the sun that is still clinging to the last bit of Summer. I used to dress up in shorts and a tank top and go sit outside on the trampoline in the backyard as soon as the weather would start to show signs of Fall. I would sit out there until my skin was cold and bluish and I couldn't stand it.... Truth is, I could find something magical and beautiful about any season.

           Despite all the glorious descriptions I could keep rambling on about with Fall, or any of the seasons, there are a few painful aspects of Fall in which it would difficult for me to deny. In a lot of the natural sense Fall represents things dying and being stripped away. Autumn represents change. That can be both good and bad, yet usually when we think of death it's not generally a positive thing. I will admit with the challenges that I am facing in my life right now, they are definitely not easy. But I see God's goodness in it all, lately my car has been in the shop with a team of amazing people trying their best to make an expensive fix as least expensive as possible.... regardless, it sucks not having a car, because my school and work schedule don't really allow for much room for commuting on bike or on foot and the bus system here has been found wanting. Each day however, I find myself enjoying the bike ride or walk to school and even back home from work. Even though walking past the cemetery near the north side of town in the dark is not my favorite past time, I have had some sweet Jesus moments while walking that long 4.5 mile stretch alone. A lot of time to process and reminisce even about this past Summer in Pasadena and everything with Pulse. Times on the bus have been some of the most amazing conversations with strangers and some even about Jesus, even leaving me super encouraged reminding me that God has a divine purpose in all things, and it's always for our good! He's shaping my character and changing my perspectives on things that I have held in high status, and being reminded that, in light of eternity... have a car doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, it can help, but God's priorities are revealing himself to people and the love that He has for us all, whether we have yet to know Him or not. Not only does He reveal Himself to us in greater capacities in times of difficulty, as He is revealed more greatly within ourselves, the world begins to see Him more clearly in and through us as well. There is something beautiful about someone who is broken, undeniably so, yet still laughs with their whole soul (as my friend Kiira says) and wears a genuine smile, but is unafraid to admit that they are hurting or that things are hard.

           As I watch the leaves turn color and fall to the ground as they are being stripped away, I can't help but think of the purpose that they are stripped off the trees each year in preparation for Winter.... because it is preparing the trees for new life. As sad as a barren tree looks, Winter is God's merciful way of giving rest before bringing an abundance of new life, ensuring that we have been refreshed and strong enough to handle the blessings as well as the adversities. God in His mercy has never once failed to paint the world with the colorful display of His creative glory as the earth dies a little each year.... giving us reason to still stand in awe of Him and His goodness. We must do the same when there are places in our lives that are dying or being stripped away, trusting that new life is coming and God has something far greater than we could ever dream of in store for us. The more I walk through life, blessing and trial alike, the more I am convinced: Everything definitely happens for a reason and the best is ever yet to come. :) 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." ~James 1:2-4, 12