Disturbing the Comfortable

I have never really been one to hide what I am feeling. Although I will be the first to admit that there are still areas for growth and maturity in that, it is a pretty big part of who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It would be easy to just write me off as a typical emotional girl, much like my father always did as I was growing up. Dad learned though after having six daughters that emotions are part of life and sometimes it's better to just own up to them than to try to stuff them. I know woman that are not at all the type to cry or share their feelings, and that's okay. Doesn't mean they are wrong or even that I am wrong... it just means we are different. God designed us all with our own unique personalities, all to be used for His glory if we learn to surrender them to Him and allow our hearts to be the clay in the hands of the potter. I was reminded of this beautiful creativity that God has put on display in each of us while talking with some friends over our differences in theological views. God pointed me to 1 Corinthians 12:15-26 where Paul is laying out the beauty of diversity in the body of Christ. Paul exclaims, "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor." I am learning this more than ever! Along with that I am learning to find my place in the midst of it all. This past week or so especially, since one of the respected leaders, who has earned their place as a voice in my life, challenged me in this area. Call me crazy, but I love it when people challenge me to grow. However, since this is a very personal aspect of my life and an area that I have struggled with throughout, it has left me in a very vulnerable place that has left me with a few things to wrestle with.

Growing up in a highly conservative Fundamentalist Mormon community that lies hidden away in the mountains of western Montana, I have always had a pretty ingrained view on how my life should be lived as a woman. Although some of those ideals and expectations were often unspoken they were prevalent nonetheless. The commonly accepted views that women were meant to submit, serve, grow up to be one of many wives and to keep the home in perfect order and make as many babies as possible was one that ruled my world and my family. I guess I have always known that this was not the life that I was created for. I knew that my life was made to look vastly different than what the cultural expectation had placed upon me. Even now that I have left behind much of that world and have been thrown into the conservative Christian church world, I am finding that some of those same unspoken expectations of women are carrying over. This perspective is especially prevalent when talking to one of my closest guy friends about what it means to be a "real man" and how he finds it difficult to relate to men that bake and do photography. It's frustrating really, to see what culture and society expect of us as individuals, rather than realizing the benefits of our differences. For us women in the more conservative Christian views we are taught to submit, some people believe it is even sinful for women to be in positions in which they lead. Again, I struggle with this perspective. I know God has called me to be a leader, He created me for more.

You see I am a very expressive person, very relational. It's hard for me not to wear my heart on my sleeve or to stay silent when I feel that there is an injustice. It got me into trouble a lot growing up in my family, but I know God called me to be someone who will fight for the sake of love, to fight for the cause of Christ. Not only that, but God has called me to be a person of influence. This past Summer I came to the realization that to be a person of influence can be in the role of anything from a stay at home mother and wife, the career I am pursuing as a teacher, through writing, through my dream and calling to write music... there are no limits to the ways that God can use me and shine His light through me. Regardless, God has undeniably called me to be one who challenges the cultural norms.... in fact I think that is what we are all called to as Christians. Point being I have had a lot going against me. Being a very sensitive or emotional person, I feel like that brings about a battle of its own. I have had several leaders or people at church or other Christian circles tell me that I was too intense, too emotional.... that I was making them uncomfortable. Yet, somehow those that knew me well, that I would mentor or invest in seemed to be just fine with my "intensity." I will admit I can be pretty raw, but in my opinion the best relationships, the best ministries for that matter, often are. From what I read in the scriptures, I like to think Jesus was this way in many respects. Those that know my heart continue to stick around or keep coming back. I praise God for this, because He designed me to be intensely relational. It is because of Him and for His Glory, and I will admit, I battle with this identity a lot. Not that I would change any part of it, but it certainly comes with a price.

Regardless, this has always been who I was to the point that I refused to take antidepressants in high school because the feelings that it evoked felt fake. I would rather feel horrible, then to feel like the smiles I wore were masks created by the pills I took. A few weeks ago I was once again called out on my "tossed by the waves" image that people apparently get from the their first impressions and I listened to what this person had to say, heard him out and tried to see where his heart was coming from, taking all with a grain of salt. Truth be told, I wrestled with this for almost 2 weeks. As I sought the Lord as to whether or not this was who I was created to be or if this was a false identity I had owned up to, the Lord encouraged me in my identity in Him. I have been reading through Jeremiah and realized that the man that has been known as "the weeping prophet" was much the same as I. The Lord also reminded me of David and his ability to push boundaries with everything from his boldness to take on a giant, being a young and scrawny kid, or dancing violently before the Lord in passion, or his many Psalms written from a raw and very vulnerable heart. I have come to realize that every part of my heart, even the rough and unrefined places, the Lord can and will use for His glory, as long as I am living in a place of surrender, looking to Jesus to define me, rather than culture, or even the church and well-meaning people in my life. I have been created and called to be an artist. The long running mantra, "Art disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed" is running through my mind a lot lately... Is that not the very thing that David did? The calling the Lord has for me is not an easy one, yet I know beyond a doubt it will be worth it, it already has been in so many ways! The things that God calls us to are rarely easy... but it is not about being liked by others anyways, it's about making Him famous. I know I can handle not being liked, as long as I know that I am loved. I thank God my place is in Him.