We do this to ourselves

To be honest, I am not expecting anyone to read this. I don't really care. I am writing mainly for the reasons that I always write... because I am consumed and in the hopes that there is a chance it might encourage someone who is walking through a similar season. Whether that is joy, or sorrow or love or adventure... I feel deeply. So therefore I write. It is and always has been my greatest outlet. I just wanna be real and get a few things off my chest. I am struggling. I know that I am blessed, there are so many reasons to be rejoice and I am thankful, but life just gets hard sometimes and there is no explanation for it. I am finding that when I stop being happy... people withdraw. When I admit to how much darkness I am wrestling with beneath the surface, it seems like the whole world goes silent. Then comes the vicious cycle of pushing away the people who are trying to reach out, all the while wanting so badly for someone to care enough to climb over the walls we build. "We are such a self-destructive bunch, aren't we?" We do this to ourselves.

The words that well meaning friends speak, make me want to withdraw and hide away all the more. Like salt in a wound. Possibly a shadow of how Job felt when his friends tried to encourage him, a mere shadow to be sure. I feel it nonetheless. I had been asking God to strip away the things in my life that keep me from relying on anything other than Him. I guess this is what happens. I cannot explain why, but I have never felt more alone in my life, and I am surrounded by people every single day. Maybe the truth is that I lean on other people far too much. Maybe it is my own doubts, wounds and insecurities that keep me grasping at the wind hoping to be fulfilled. I just want someone to show me that I am worth it, that I am loved. I don't need anyone to ask me what is wrong in hopes to try to fix me. I am the guilty. I do it too. What I need is someone to make me forget about the fact that there is pain and darkness. Maybe not. Maybe what I need is to have the strength to face the darkness head on and to wrestle with my demons. I just don't wanna feel alone. Yet we are so quick to lash out in hurt and throw the towel in, estranging ourselves further still. We must acknowledge the fact that we are all broken and hurting people, and it is our pain that proceeds to wound others around us. Again, I am the worst of sinners. We do this to ourselves. 

It's hard not to push away the truth that comes to my mind... mostly because it is the same "Christianese" that I have heard when people don't know what else to say. It's like a band-aid over a gaping wound. It won't hold and I am losing blood. Still, I know God's word will not fail, and where else shall I go? God alone holds the words of eternal life (John 6:68). I am sure our Savior felt alone. Focused on what His purpose and calling in this world was, knowing that His friends would be sleeping in His darkest hour, He sought the Father. Loneliness, I suppose, is our cross to bear. I know that what God has called me to is something that I must learn to walk out alone... a narrow road. I need strength. I must become less, so that He will become more. Christ took the the most difficult road imaginable all the way to Calvary, declaring, "Not my will, but yours be done." I pray that this would become my heart, all the more. I am realizing the more I struggle to find joy, that I am understanding a deeper sense of my Lord. The fellowship of His suffering. Christ himself faced what many would call "the dark night of the soul." No servant is greater than their master. I am realizing that in this hollowness, I am being emptied in order to be able to have a greater capacity for Him. I asked Him to purge me of anything less than Him. I asked for this. I did this to myself. 

"This momentary light affliction is producing an eternal wight of glory that far outweighs them all." -2 Corinthians 4:17

"Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take a hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf..." Hebrews 6:17-20

"Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high."
Job 16:19

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Job 13:15

A Response...

Anyone else out there feel the heaviness of what is going on in the world on their shoulders lately? It seems everywhere I look is a reminder of how broken we as humans are and how desperately we need the one thing that can heal and restore. Love. The person of love. News and media have been trending with attack after attack, whether it's the violence of the middle east or mudslinging against our fellow man... specifically our fellow Christian brother; Michael Gungor. I will say right off that I don't necessarily agree with everything that he has supposedly said however long ago in his blog that Christian media has felt compelled to push to the front lines of publication. I don't disagree either. Honestly, it doesn't matter. That is not my job. My job is to fix my eyes on the one who knows truth and is truth. My job is to love the same way that He loves me. "By this all man will know that you are my disciples, by your love for one another" (John 13:35). This wasn't a suggestion. This was a calling.

Earlier today I was listening to a podcast by the guys at Bad Christian, interviewing Gungor. As I listened to the heart of these men who, albeit- rough around the edges, love Jesus, I was heartbroken and convicted at the ways that we as The Church- the ways that I- find it so easy and quick to point out the failures of others instead of looking to what truly matters. The podcast made a very bold point of the fact that we put so many pastors and musicians on a pedestal, enthroning them as the heroes and saviors, rather than looking at the truth that they are human that struggle too. The same way we all do if we are truly honest about it. That is a glorified form of idolatry. Gungor also pointed out the fact that we have never been able to figure out God, and never will, perhaps until we see Him face to face. That is part of the beauty of God, found in the mystery of Him. We must learn to embrace the mystery of God, without "putting Him under a microscope to dissect Him." He is not who we make Him to be. He is who He is and always will be. The one who was and is and is to come... Holy. He is Love. He is Truth. I love what Gungor says in the podcast. "Unity does not come without disagreement. If there is not disagreement, it is uniformity."

 Last fall I had a conversation with a couple of my close guy friends about the differing views on how the book of Revelation should be interpreted. That night taught me a lot in this realm. Several things throughout the course of my life have taught me to be guarded (to say the least) toward doctrinal errors... first and foremost is the fact that I had spent the majority of my life in a fundamentalist Mormon community, being launched into a bible/ministry school and discipleship program for four years after dedicating my life to Jesus Christ. Believe me; I have gone through my fair share of pain within the Church and seasons where I have struggled with my faith. I still do. Every day. So who am I to say that my friend is wrong because he doesn't believe that Revelation is interpreted in the same way that I do? How can I say Michael Gungor is wrong because I see it differently? Are they chasing Jesus and trying to gain understanding in these things? Then love. Do they believe that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin and crucified on the cross as a penalty for the sin of mankind and brought healing and freedom from that sin through the resurrection on the third day? Sweet! Love! In fact, love any way! Because that is the greatest commandment of all that we as followers of Jesus have been given.

My point is... We need each other. We need the body of Christ and the different perspectives because none of us have it all together. None of us have it figured out! (1 Corinthians 12:15-26) We tend to stick with like-minded people because we're comfortable. But then we never grow: For "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). The more of life and different cultures around the world that I experience, the more I praise God for the gloriously beautiful creativity that He has shown in mankind- created in His image. There are so many different, yet lovely ways of seeing the world. We need to be careful how we reflect our creator. Use our words to encourage and build up, rather than to tear down. Use our hands and feet to rush to the aid of the least of these and reach to help them up. Walk beside them in love. How can we expect to bring peace to a hurting world if we do not first have peace within ourselves, within our Church and our homes? We must learn to love despite our differences. "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance; Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst" (1 Timothy 1:15). Please hear me... Paul's words resound loudly in my heart at the knowledge that I too have been a "Saul" of sorts and am daily trying to put to death the person that I was... the person that I am; horribly marked with sin. I am becoming increasingly more aware that the only reason that I have ANY ability to love or to look like Jesus is due to the fact that "we love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19). We are nothing apart from our Savior.

"My arrogance stands shocked at the funeral of my self-righteousness as I've never been more aware of the scandal of me. He is my only good." ~Misty Edwards

I hope I have made my point. My prayer is that I learn to love and extend grace to everyone I encounter. I know it is easier said than done. I struggle, every day. But my desire is to live like Jesus did- to look like love to the best of my ability. It is what my purpose in life is, what I strive for. All of this has served to remind me of so much of what my college education has taught me. Whenever the world goes through a shift in culture, when there is a shaking in the earth that signifies change, there is controversy. There are attacks. I think of Martin Luther and the reformation... Dr. King and the civil rights movement... the abolitionist movement of the slave trade... All of which changed the course of history in a much needed way. Yet, it did not come without a price. What I see in the honesty of Gungor and the faces of Bad Christian, is a call for us to make a choice to dive deeper into the heart of God and try to see what He sees. This is a call to love, a call for a generation to rise up and challenge the institution. None of this is meant to be divisive; it is a cry for revival, for the raw honesty that leaves us on our faces before a holy God, confessing our utter need for Him.

During the Slave Trade, many of the workers out in the fields would have a system of "call and response" where they would create beautiful songs that the workers in the field would cry out with a line or two in order to have those working at the houses respond with another line or two. This was a part of their lives for many reasons, including but not limited to keeping a steady rhythm to help work progress quickly throughout the day, to keep their focus on their unity and their spirituality, rather than on their struggles, and to signify the end of the day. This uproar and controversy is truly what we will make it. To me, it looks like a few phrases of a song in which they are calling out to know there is a family, unified in their struggles and their faith, who will take the baton, adding a few more lines to what could truly be a beautiful song. This unrefined blog post is my response, along with the challenge: If we find ourselves offended, we need to consider why. What is it that we are standing on, if not Christ himself? Let us refocus our eyes on Jesus and look to Him for our answers and our validation, our identities. The culture is changing, and if our desire is to not look like the world, but rather like Christ, then we must understand where we stand in that. Not in condemnation, but in love, in Christ. He is the only one who has the power to change hearts. That is not our job, it is His. He is big enough and does not need our help. If he asks us to be a part of it, then simply do what He says. Nothing more, nothing less. I leave you with this to consider:

"So then, each of will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this- not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way." -Romans 14:12-13.

"Let the refining and improving of our own lives keep us so busy that we have little time to criticize others." -H. Jackson Brown Jr.