Musings (Of Autumn)

         Today I took a walk downtown. Partly because I needed time to think, time to pray and mull over the truths that I heard at church this morning- and partly because I had left my bike on Campus and needed to go and retrieve it. As walked over Higgins Street bridge that overlooks Caras Park and the Clarkfork River, I stopped about midway and watched the two men in wet suits climbing onto the shore with their paddle boards. Although I had a million thoughts in my mind in that moment, all fighting for my attention, I couldn't help but think of these men. I thought about how crazy they were to be jumping in a Montana river with it being nearly October and the water being undoubtedly, so cold. I looked over the river, across the way to the Orange Street bridge. My mind found a home with my affection of my city, the place I call home, and praising God that He has chosen to place me here. Thinking of where he's brought me and where I have been and as much as my heart longs for a return to California, I love it here. I spent the next few minutes asking God's forgiveness for not being content where I am. It was in that moment, as I decided to continue moving forward across the Higgins bridge. I was running my hand along the railing of the walkway there along the bridge when I realized that my heart is truly most content when it is fully satisfied in Christ. I couldn't help but smile as I allowed my mind and my heart to be enraptured by my beautiful city and the love that I have received from my Savior and Lord.

           I continued my walk toward the college campus, feeling the brisk wind as it blew my hair and my floral scarf about. I looked around me at the leaves on the trees, starting to transform into the colorful pallet of fall. I was reminded of one of the activities we did while I was in Pasadena at he Pulse Internship at the International House of Prayer. Our internship director lead us in a prophetic activation activity in which we sat in silence, waiting on the Lord after asking Him what season we were in. I was in a season of Winter then. As I walked down past the cute little houses along 6th Street, I tried listening to the Lord, pondering in my heart and my mind, which season I might be in at this current point of my life. I felt it as surely as the chill that caused me to pull my cardigan tighter around my body and cross my arms over my chest. I am undeniably in season of Fall. I have always loved fall in so many ways, except for the undeniable trumpet that Winter is on it's way.... although in my walk with the Lord, it would appear the seasons are working in reverse, at least thus far. I do, however, love everything else about Fall. I love scarves, and boots and the feeling of having a warm cup of coffee, tea, or cider in my hands. I love curling up in front of a fire place or wrapping up in a cozy blanket with a good book. I love the brisk air that carries just a hint of Winter, yet somehow mingles perfectly with the sun that is still clinging to the last bit of Summer. I used to dress up in shorts and a tank top and go sit outside on the trampoline in the backyard as soon as the weather would start to show signs of Fall. I would sit out there until my skin was cold and bluish and I couldn't stand it.... Truth is, I could find something magical and beautiful about any season.

           Despite all the glorious descriptions I could keep rambling on about with Fall, or any of the seasons, there are a few painful aspects of Fall in which it would difficult for me to deny. In a lot of the natural sense Fall represents things dying and being stripped away. Autumn represents change. That can be both good and bad, yet usually when we think of death it's not generally a positive thing. I will admit with the challenges that I am facing in my life right now, they are definitely not easy. But I see God's goodness in it all, lately my car has been in the shop with a team of amazing people trying their best to make an expensive fix as least expensive as possible.... regardless, it sucks not having a car, because my school and work schedule don't really allow for much room for commuting on bike or on foot and the bus system here has been found wanting. Each day however, I find myself enjoying the bike ride or walk to school and even back home from work. Even though walking past the cemetery near the north side of town in the dark is not my favorite past time, I have had some sweet Jesus moments while walking that long 4.5 mile stretch alone. A lot of time to process and reminisce even about this past Summer in Pasadena and everything with Pulse. Times on the bus have been some of the most amazing conversations with strangers and some even about Jesus, even leaving me super encouraged reminding me that God has a divine purpose in all things, and it's always for our good! He's shaping my character and changing my perspectives on things that I have held in high status, and being reminded that, in light of eternity... have a car doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, it can help, but God's priorities are revealing himself to people and the love that He has for us all, whether we have yet to know Him or not. Not only does He reveal Himself to us in greater capacities in times of difficulty, as He is revealed more greatly within ourselves, the world begins to see Him more clearly in and through us as well. There is something beautiful about someone who is broken, undeniably so, yet still laughs with their whole soul (as my friend Kiira says) and wears a genuine smile, but is unafraid to admit that they are hurting or that things are hard.

           As I watch the leaves turn color and fall to the ground as they are being stripped away, I can't help but think of the purpose that they are stripped off the trees each year in preparation for Winter.... because it is preparing the trees for new life. As sad as a barren tree looks, Winter is God's merciful way of giving rest before bringing an abundance of new life, ensuring that we have been refreshed and strong enough to handle the blessings as well as the adversities. God in His mercy has never once failed to paint the world with the colorful display of His creative glory as the earth dies a little each year.... giving us reason to still stand in awe of Him and His goodness. We must do the same when there are places in our lives that are dying or being stripped away, trusting that new life is coming and God has something far greater than we could ever dream of in store for us. The more I walk through life, blessing and trial alike, the more I am convinced: Everything definitely happens for a reason and the best is ever yet to come. :) 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." ~James 1:2-4, 12

Saved, Healed and Delivered!

I am just about to wrap up my journey here at the Pasadena International House of Prayer for my Pulse Internship and I feel the need for this post to be a testimony of what God has been doing during this past month for inner healing. This week alone has revealed the power and love of God in ways I could previously have only imagined! For over 5 years I have been dealing with intense pain in my abdomen due to an issue with my reproductive system called PCOS. Sometimes the pain would be so bad that I would spend hours at times in the bathroom vomiting, and many nights have been spent curled into a ball on my bed, crying myself to sleep, because no matter what I did, the pain wouldn't leave. I started dealing with these issues here in California about a week ago as I was in an evening worship service for PIHOP. During worship, I felt led to pray for the Salvation of my family, since all but me and my oldest brother are still members of the FLDS church, or Fundamentalist Mormons. As I was kneeling low to the ground, interceding for personal encounters with Jesus Christ as their Savior, sharp intense pains started shouting though my body. The epicenter of the pain was my abdomen, but I noticed that sharp pain was also manifesting in my shoulder, wrist, knees, ankles, and neck as well. I tried to ignore it and focus on worship instead, but if anyone has dealt with that pain before, it's not something that can just be ignored! So I spent the rest of the evening trying to pray though it, hoping that there would be a word of knowledge about it at the end, giving me an opportunity to leave my responsibilities and receive prayer.

Needless to say... God does not work on our terms, hence, the word of knowledge never came. I had agreed to serve as part of the ministry team and as I our group was praying together before people started coming to receive from us, my group leader Suzann asked me a question. I still don't know what the question was because I was zoning out so much due to the pain. I apologized and told her I did not feel well. She and the other girl in my group prayed over me and told me to go sit down, worship and just receive from the Lord. That wasn't much better, but I couldn't go home because I had 2 girls that I had given rides to the service that I was responsible for, so I had to wait it all out. My friends Jena and Lois prayed over me as well, but nothing changed. Lois finally told me to go home and take care of myself after agreeing to take the other girls home. Unfortunately the next 3 days consisted of me staying at home alone watching netflix, with my pain and the lies in my head to keep me company.Lies saying that no one wanted to be around me or that they didn't really care. It made my weekend, quite literally a mental hell. I forced myself to go to Old Town Pasadena on Saturday to take my friend to a job interview and spent some time in Barnes and Noble which is normally like a room in heaven to me, but after about an hour, I couldn't focus on what I was trying to read, so I walked over and got my friend and went home. Monday, once again I forced myself to go to staff prayer at the house of prayer, but I spent most of the time sitting on the floor, cross-legged and begging God to take away the pain. I left and ran some errands around town and went home for awhile, to let my body have a break before forcing myself to go to the YWAM Circuit Rider's service that PIHOP was hosting that evening.

Thankfully the message was phenomenal and I got so excited about the sermon and the preaching that it was a long awaited and very welcomed distraction. My friend Lois asked me how I feeling when the service was over and I told her that I was ok, but gave more details on what was going on. She prayed for me again and asked me to grab her to pray with me if things started getting bad again. The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and was seriously considering not going in for the internship that day. But I kept pushing myself, because I hate feeling confined or held back, and this stupid thing had held me back way too much as it was!! Little did I know that we would have a guest teacher in town, who was actually the original Pulse Director. Mandy is extremely gifted in the prophetic, healing and deliverance, so she began to teach us about a little of all of that, starting with inner healing and deliverance to help finish of the month's focus. While we were trying to receive from the Lord, the pain got really bad. I was so distracted that I could not think, let alone hear from the Holy Spirit! Mandy, looked at me and asked me what I was feeling based on our exercise. I told her that I was in a lot of pain and felt nauseous, I felt like I needed to leave. She instantly came over and laid hands on me and started praying for me. She was sensing the spiritual realm and battle I was walking though, beyond the physical or even emotional, and her prayers were definitely hitting my heart, but the pain seemed to only be getting worse. The biggest thing in my head was, "I am robbing from what the class should be learning right now."

I told Mandy I was gonna go into the other room so she could continue with class. She protested at first, but then allowed me to leave with the exception that our Pulse assistant went with me and continued to pray in tongues over me. When I got to the couch in the other room, all of the lies I had been feeling or hearing in my head had surfaced and I broke down and buried my face into the pillows and wept. I wept for probably a good 20 min or more, as Valerie stroked my hair comfortingly, praying over me the entire time. I felt someones hands come down on my side, as heat shot through my body. I heard Mandy's voice as she began praying fervently over me, breaking and rebuking as she felt led. After a few minutes, I felt my entire being succumb to peace, except my abdomen, which kept burning. Not a painful, violent burning, but a tingling, warmth- almost as if someone had placed a heat pack over me. Mandy left again into the other room after telling Valerie that I should just rest awhile and could join them in the next room, if and when I was ready to. I sat up and just received the peace of God's presence and His healing power within me. I realized that I had been carrying guilt and shame over things of my past that God had forgiven me for, but I was still holding onto. I had been afraid to allow for God's peace in it's full capacity, because I had been abused and taken advantage of the last time I allowed myself to be in that state of being. I let God bring things to light and speak His truth over me as I received His love.

Over the next few days God continued to show me areas from my past that had affected my diagnosis and condition, including things that I had spoken over myself- even unintentionally- and cursing my health. Thing like telling my Mom that I didn't want to have children when I was a teenager, fears that I had bought into that were irrational, but still very real because they were rooted in my Mormon upbringing and the lie that I would always fail. The Lord has revealed to me that there has been generational curse that come along with my upbringing in Mormonism that are more subtle than the spirit of the occult per se, but still very present nonetheless. Things like a spirit of misogyny, a spirit of poverty and a spirit of affliction. Over the next week I went through some inner healing and deliverance over these issues with my YWAM friend Jena and got some awesome breakthrough! Not just for myself, but after 4 hours of prayer between each of us, we both walked away with greater levels of freedom! With my healing and deliverance I began to understand God's love in a very practical way and it led me to want to show that same love with others, by praying for healing for their needs- physical and emotional! I saw a total of 3 physical healings in one week and 3 cases of deliverance and inner healing within a weeks time! Needless to say, I have been in awe of Christ's power and the love He has for us each as individuals and His desires to protect, care for, and provide for us! For the first time in my life I am actually believing that God can use me to be great- all for His glory!! And that is as simple as receiving Him and His love in His fullness! Loving Him, and loving the ones in front of me, whoever comes across my path- because THAT is how true revival starts, with people encountering the person of Jesus. But we must cultivate Christ in us, and fellowship with Him first and foremost!

It has been a crazy journey, still is! In fact I have been battling a lot this past week with various attacks against my voice and being a voice as God has called me to be. I know that no victory comes without retaliation, and I also know that I am entering into new realms and new battles- a lot are as a result of contending for my family and their salvation,because no longer am I satisfied with the story stopping here with me... I want God's glory in it's fullness and that means carrying it to every single person I know and seeing it brought to fruition! If you're reading this, your prayers regarding these things would be valued far greater than you could ever imagine! But even still... God is worthy! He is worthy of everything and no matter the cost, I am choosing to love Him with everything! If there is one thing this Summer Internship has taught me it is to "rooted and grounded in love" and to seek the one thing: to sit at the feet of Jesus, being obedient to all that He requires of me.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward that which is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:12-14~

Becoming a Servant

~ Jesus called to them and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be the first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." ~ Matthew 20:25-28

Here I am rounding out the first month of my internship here in Pasadena and God has truly been teaching me so much! Going beyond growing in Discernment and Intercession, as well as the Prophetic, these past few weeks the Lord has really been showing me the value of being a servant and why that is truly one of the greatest roles in the kingdom. One of our staff members here at the prayer room has been an incredible example of this and is truly one of my heroes with her willingness to sacrifice time and even sometimes sleep to make sure that the needs of our internship are being met. Unfortunately, her family was hit with some tragedy a few weeks ago which took her away for awhile to Haiti to be with her family, yet even in the midst of that her heart was fixed on loving Jesus and loving others. When Valerie left, it opened up a door a door for me to step up for awhile and walk out my heart for serving others as well. I never realized the weight of what I was signing up for until Valerie had officially left Pasadena.

I knew that I would be sacrificing time and dying to myself in many ways, because that is what it requires to be a servant. I had already told one of the girls at our internship who is from India that I would give her rides to and from the prayer room for a few days while her room mate was out of town getting some medical tests done. I had also told her room mate that I would take her to and from the airport so she could go and get these tests done in Canada where she is originally from. Half of the girls at the Internship are from out of state or out of the country somewhere, and the other half are from right here in California. In my mind, I thought I would be doing this for a few days until Rebecca got back from Canada, along with some other small tasks afterward until Valerie came home. My Indian friend Bimla, however is a very tenacious woman and requires a lot of patience so I found myself being tested of that only a couple days into this process.Yet the more time I spent with Bimla and heard her stories of India and how she came to know Jesus and grow in relationship with Him, the more I found myself truly loving this woman and understanding what a treasure she is!

~ Bimla (Center) and Rebecca (Lower Right) with a few of the other Pulse girls! ~

Just as I got to be at peace with helping out Bimla, Rebecca returned from her medical tests in Canada, where she also had to get a biopsy while she was there, so she still needed help for a few more days. I drove both Rebecca and Bimla for the next week and as that slowed down over the weekend, God had other things  in store for me in this role yet! On Monday, Rebecca had received the results back from her surgery and medical tests. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and was told that it was aggressive. It was heavy news that hit us all very hard. Rebecca is a sister in our Pulse Internship program and feels just as strongly as the rest of us that God has called her here. I was one of the first to receive the news and from there I became a point person to encourage and help her in anyway I could. I believe with all my heart that God has given me the gift of mercy, so naturally my heart goes out to those that are hurting or in need. Rebecca was no different! As I watch Rebecca struggling with the news in the days that preceded, I also watched a woman of incredible faith in God's character and His word. Surely God wouldn't call her down to the House of Prayer in California from Canada just so that she would die! As she put it, "Lord, your name is on the line here! But let your will be done! All for your glory! No matter what happens tomorrow, I will praise Him, because He is worthy!"

I have been amazed at how God has been working in and through Rebecca in this season. God has certainly been working through my heart in all of this as well! One thing I have watched God working in Rebecca's heart is how to receive love through this process. After hearing her testimony and the things she has gone through it makes sense. She continually thanks me for being there to listen or give her rides or whatever and says she feels bad that I have to do that. I began weeping one evening while I was with her at the realization that as I have been serving and loving on her, I have felt the weight of God's love for her and how He has been using me and others in our group to reveal that to her. I shared this revelation with her as well and she began to weep in the understanding that God cares infinitely more for her- or for any of us- than we even realize! It has been a powerful experience to understand how being the hands and feet of Jesus, even in the most challenging and mundane tasks, can grow our hearts in tremendous love for those around us in which we serve. As Jesus tells his followers in Matthew 25:40, "Truthfully, whatever you have done for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

What a beautiful call that is for us as his followers as well! This is one of the many facets that Christ's glory is revealed through us as Christians unto the world! God's heart is that His fullness is put on display so that all the world will be pointed to their Savior and Lord. Truth is, I have always had a tendency to want to serve. Some may call this a servant's heart, but to tell you the truth it has been more of an obligation to performance based on the way I was raised. Don't get me wrong, being raised to serve others is a gift which I am thankful for, but if it's based on performance alone, then we miss the real blessing. It is not until our hearts are completely lined up with God's heart of love that we can serve out of that overflow. Then God is most glorified and the true gift of having a servant's heart is revealed! We are truly blessed to be called servants!

On another note: I have been encouraged as well through Rebecca's faith. God has been teaching me through her to believe for greater things and I am completely believing for a powerful testimony through her life on God's power and His healing touch. Rebecca has received a few prophetic words from people of strong prophetic gifting and conviction, some of which know very little about her, concerning her healing. She has another MRI coming up this Monday, which we are believing will confirm God's healing. We would all appreciate any prayers for God's hand on this whole journey and above all, that He would get the full and complete glory through it all! Even so, we will praise Him for His goodness and His love that He is constantly pouring out and revealing to all of us here at Pulse! Thanks for the love and support of all my readers through this journey with me as well! Greater things have yet to come! :)

"A new command I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." ~John 13:34-35

Becoming an Intercessor

This past week I have had the privilege of knowing the 24/7 dynamics of the prayer room. The last time I was in LA, I was mentored and taken under the wing of a man that I now call my spiritual Father. It was through his mentorship that I became acquainted with the role of an intercessor and what that looked like. In fact, even though I have belonged to a Pentecostal church since I was first saved, Jason helped me seek out and understand revelation on what it really means to be an intercessor. Jason opened my eyes to a gift and an identity in Christ that I never thought I had. You see, I've always been the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, the emotional type. It was always viewed as a curse or a weakness by my family, my father most of the time was embarrassed or ashamed of how emotional I could be. Needless to say, I began to view my emotions as a major weakness as well, accepting the label that my family put on me.  Jason was the first person in my life that helped me to understand that God had created me to feel and love deeply and it was not at all a weakness, but one of the greatest gifts that God could give to His children.

Since being here at PIHOP, God has strategically placed me in a few different situations where He has been able to grow me and put feet on what I have been learning over the past few years with the help of Jason’s mentorship and other revelations that God has walked me through in the past. Over the last three years or so, I have learned that my emotions and what I feel, is one of the primary lines of communication in how God speaks to me. This is especially the case when it is reference to someone else, and how the Holy Spirit is moving me to pray for them. God has placed me in several different experiences in the past involving anything from family members, to my church, or my college campus. This has been anything from an intense emotion of anger or fear, or sorrow to a physical manifestation and usually seems to come upon me at random and requires me to really seek the Lord and break through a heavy burden or oppression that is either assigned at something or someone I am to pray for or to keep me from the revelation of what is going on the spirit and waging war against it.

Lately this revelation has been showing itself through conversation of those that I live in community with, bringing an understanding of the spiritual war that is raging around me and the people that have been called to PIHOP- for staff, interns and individuals in the community.  At least a couple of these experiences have taken place in the prayer room. The first night, I had a conversation with my house leader about some legal battles one of our leaders was dealing with, and that escalated to what was going on with the relationships and tension with the staff in general that I had been sensing, I had been planning to go to the prayer room for an intercession set for the middle east, but after this conversation God highlighted many other areas within our community that definitely needed some prayer and authority taken over them.  I ended up being in the prayer room for most of the night, returning home for just a couple hours to take a “early morning nap” and get cleaned up, only to return to the prayer room and intercede some more before my internship classes started at 8am.

The next major experience I had where my emotions and intercessory gifting went haywire was at a bonfire in my backyard, where my Christian community that I lived with and a few friends were gonna get together and worship and prayer over some of the people in our group who were leaving for a missions trip, sending them off with some prophetic words of encouragement. I was feeling a bit excluded and somewhat restless even before we started, but once worship started I really began battling something! I am a worshiper at heart- everything in me worships the Lord and when there is a dedicated time to sing and worship God, I will push through and enter in! But something heavy was distracting me and keeping me from singing or entering in at all! I was praying and watching the scene around me to see what was going on to keep me from worship, and could find nothing. When worship ended, a few people gave some corporate prophetic words. I tried to pay attention and try to receive whatever God had for me in that to, but I felt like there was a big wall surrounding me keeping everything out and not letting me break through either. Finally my friend Brad noticed I was struggling and came over and hugged me and began praying, mostly just for God to fill me with His spirit and His love, but he wasn't getting anything specific. It wasn't until he asked me how I felt, and I replied, “everything in me wants to leave right now.” That I realized what was going on.

Behind me in the corner of the driveway, hiding in a dark corner by the garage was a girl, I noticed a couple people walking over to talk to her and pray for her. One of the people was my friend Ben who I heard rebuking things that I could at that point see trying to manifest in her. I left Brad and walked over to this girl and began praying with the others. I felt very strongly that this was the oppression that I was feeling that was manifesting itself in her. We prayed over her for several minutes identifying and rebuking the spirit of fear, and eventually as we got this young lady to agree with us and renounce some of the ties with fear and walk through some inner healing, she was released and just moments later was slain in the spirit. This undoubtedly allowed God to do some deep work and healing in her heart.  As lay on the ground a few feet from the bonfire, I then felt like I was released to go and pray and give prophetic encouragement to the others in our group! God showed up big time that night! Not just with deliverance but the ways He has been using me in the prophetic to have His love flow through me and as an intercessor to stand with Him in partnership and authority has been amazing! Watch out world! I will never be the same! 

Encountering Shakinah Glory

Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this adventure. I have been in Pasadena now for a little over a week. I pulled in to the house off of Royce Street in Altadena, where I will be spending my summer, late on Memorial Day, at the same time as the 2 girls who I will be living with and sharing this summer experience with. I will be walking through the summer with these girls not just in living in community with, but will also be going through the Pulse internship at Pasadena International House of Prayer (PIHOP). I just looked back on the blog I wrote when I felt God call me here. Crazy to think that was almost a year ago.... and yet here I am, and God has already been doing so much! I fear one blog post will not be able to do justice to all God has done in and through me this past week!

In my blog last July, I had written about my feelings toward a future in California, and had said something along the lines of, "I am learning that as the Perfect Father, God's desires are to make our lives more beautiful, more glorious, and more blessed than we ever thought possible!" That could not be more true of what He as been revealing to me already this summer. There has been such a covering of God's presence here in the prayer room that revelation and growth are so accessible! The first day I was in the prayer room, it was so easy for me to want to process everything from the last week with my family and stuff from before I left, but I heard God speaking very clearly to me, saying, "Stop Striving. Just rest in my presence. Be still and know that I am the Lord YOUR God. The battle is mine, I will fight for you. I am the one who does not not relent. I want a surrendered heart. Just allow me to move you, guide you and to heal you. It is here you will find true freedom. I will never leave your or forsake you, for I have called you my own."

It's been interesting, to say the least! I know that God is calling me to a season of rest. It is from that season of rest that God has already been overflowing in so many ways. There is such a covering of revelation here in the prayer room that I feel like there has been a spiritual download of information that God has been showing me this past week. Some of the major things God has shown me this past week, besides revealing the season of rest that He is calling me into was the experience with harp and Bowl Intercession and our Intro to Inner Healing classes. Between the prophetic activations, worship with word and intercession, and even some inner healing, this week has been an overwhelming, yet glorious week of seeing God move in tangible ways like I haven't experienced in a long time! I am so grateful for that! The Harp and Bowl Intercession has been powerful. Although I have viewed myself an intercessor for a few years now, often times when I pray I feel like God has been far off. But there is something powerful about praying God's promises from His word over a situation. Then to take that a step further and sing those promises over the situation in intercession moves something in the spirit beyond anything I have ever felt before. I felt like God was literally right there with me, and allowing me to partner in His will!

Jesus has been faithful to hear those prayers, even the ones that have been unspoken or filled with doubt. Our Intro to Inner Healing class has been proof of this, and how passionate God is to prove His love to His children. There has been a place in my heart that I have wrestled with for years, something that had been an aspect of shame. After studying in Genesis 27 and 28 about Jacob, and his struggle with God that left him with a limp- weakness, and how that weakness was a gift from God for Jacob to lean on Him. I have never heard Jacob's story taught that way, but it's so beautiful! The story of Jacob highlighted that area of my life where I have wrestled with the Lord, my heart wanted to know how God could use such a place of filth and shame. In that moment the Lord spoke to my heart, "All you wanted was to know the Love of a Father." I began weeping, and crying out in my spirit. I have known this for a long time that this was the reason for my behavior, but that didn't take away the shame I felt. The Lord reminded me of Psalm 139 that I had read earlier that morning. I had the revelation from that Psalm that God knows every single inward thought, motive, desire and fear to the core of our being! And He know how that will play out in our behavior and habits. After reminding me of my devotion that morning, God spoke straight to my core- "I loved your hunger in that moment! Your passion for me was so beautiful!" I began to weep uncontrollably. I couldn't believe that God knew all my junk... and still He found beauty there! The shame in that moment, left me at the understanding that my act of sin, was me pouring out my heart in longing for the love of God. He saw it as my alabaster jar, that had I poured out my heart in a cry for His love. In spite of the fact that I poured out my perfume to another lover, God knew my heart, and He said it was beautiful.... Such freedom is found in His love!

One thing I am learning is that from within that place of rest, is that God is growing me and releasing me in ways that I never thought possible! He truly is the Perfect Father and His desires are indeed to make our lives more beautiful, more glorious, and more blessed than we ever could imagine! He is healing me and setting me free. I am learning how to trust in Him in ways I never have before. The Lord can and will accomplish far more in a few moments of His presence than we could EVER do in our own strength through years of striving! If only we fix our eyes on Him and let Him in to lavish His love upon us! The best part?! This is only beginning! I am so excited to see what God does with a Summer devoted to living the "wasted life" of Mary, sitting at His feet.

~ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. --Ecclesiastes 3:11 ~

Family Ties

In my walk with Christ there have been many things that have called me away from what is comfortable into many adventures that have required trusting in His faithfulness. This has included anything from going to countries or towns I had never intended, from being estranged from family, or sharing some of the most vulnerable parts of my life with people… This time it’s taking a solo road trip from my home in Montana to the west coast to spend a summer in California for an internship at the International House of Prayer in Pasadena. A close friend and mentor once told me, “God cares more about our obedience and our healing, than about our comfort.” I am learning more and more that he is exactly right. There are a number of ways that this trip has called me away from what is comfortable. One of those things has been the decision itself, to be obedient to God’s voice, no matter the cost. A few weeks ago my Dad and I had gotten into a fight because he didn't see this trip as something purposeful and God centered. He still doesn't. In his mind, his oldest daughter has been far to influenced by her college friends and her church. As if I had suddenly got some wild hair to quit my job, pack up my car and spend my whole summer at the beach. The fact is, that is not what this summer will be about at all.

I tried to explain to Dad that this was a call from God to be a catalyst for my life and possibly many other lives as well. The conversation with him was extremely enlightening as far as the heart ache and pain that is buried deep in my Dad’s heart and why he is quick to attempt putting dampers on the dreams of his children. He doesn't trust God. Life and experience have taught him that God does not come through, being raised Mormon has not helped that perspective in their teaching that we must earn God’s salvation and even His favor. I don’t feel as if I have ever gotten a resolution with helping my Dad understand what this internship means to me, the only thing I can do is pray for him, that God will find a way to heal his heart of those wounds. Regardless of my Dad’s disapproval of my going to Cali, I still felt strongly that God wanted me there, and I wrestled with being obedient to God’s call and honoring my parents. In the end, I reasoned that since I am a 24 year old that has been supporting myself for nearly 6 years, than it was my call on what I chose to do with my life. I decided that God’s commands come first, no matter the cost, for as Christ says, “If any would love his father and mother more than me, they will not be worthy of me.” (Matt. 10:37)

I tried for nearly a month to avoid talking to my parents at all for fear of getting into another argument. The thing was, my little sister’s birthday was around the time I had planned to leave, and I knew it would not be showing her, or the rest of my family, my love for them if I left without spending time with her for her birthday beforehand. I did, however, dread the confrontation and arguments that might possibly ensure from my parents. In the end, I made the decision to go, and stand my ground in my decision to go to California, regardless of what happened during the last couple days I would spend with my family before leaving. The days I did spend with my family were far better than I could have expected, and as long as my parents never brought up my internship, I wouldn't either. We never really talked about it once, which I was grateful for. On the other hand, the evening of Maisie’s birthday was difficult. Everyone seemed to be emotional strung out and upset over something- Dad was too tired and Mom wanted things her way, Maisie was upset because Mom was upset, and the other kids got upset because Maisie refused to let us sing to her, or eat her cake and ice cream or spend the rest of the evening in her room, claiming she had a headache and lots of homework to do. I was the only person Maisie would talk to, so I knew that wasn't the real reason she had isolated herself.

Birthdays with my family have always been difficult. The child often doesn't feel their sense of worth or value, and our parents, bless them, they try to make it fun, but its never very special. The reason being that they always try to do what they think the child will enjoy without asking the child what he or she would like. This usually causes problems. Watching this happen on Maisie’s birthday opened my eyes to how self-centered my entire family was being, and it honestly broke my heart. It was my last night with them and it was all I could do to want to stay. In the end it did open up a door for me to be able to minister to my little sister on her birthday and share about her worth and identity in Christ, drawing out her gifts and talents and the value I saw in her…. Drawing out the gold. Maisie is an extremely gifted little girl, full of joy and creativity. I don’t think she sees it enough. The night finally did end up well enough with my and Maisie hanging out in her room, talking and drawing on temporary glitter tattoos before I went to bed. I guess the thing I am realizing is if I had never had the courage to face my parents, regardless of the potential wounds that might have come, then I never would have been able to be there to remind Maisie of her tremendous value in the eyes of God and her purpose to be one of the word changers of our generation.

Romans 8:28 “For we know that works through all things for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purposes.”

What a comfort for us all that this is His promise to us! And He is proving faithful in this every step along the way. I am so grateful for the ways that He loves us. 

Beauty in God's Silence

Tonight I am filled with joy at God's goodness! Today was Good Friday, and the start of my Spring Break. After work I came home and watched The Passion of the Christ like I have made a personal tradition of for the last seven years since becoming a Christian. Each time, I cry my eyes out and each time, I get a new and greater revelation of God's love and the price He paid for us on that cross. I am humbled and in awe of it all.... Yet, unlike any previous Good Friday.... this one seems to be an important day in my life that I will always remember.

Lately I have been so blessed to be a part of my city's annual Easter performance of Christ's crucifixion and resurrection, which has been life changing to say the least! Not just for myself, but for countless others. The man that is producing the play is a friend of my brother's from High School... someone that God used as a vessel in planting seeds for my brother's salvation, and through that, my own salvation as well. Tonight, after watching the movie, I headed off to the Good Friday performance of our play. I got my costume and makeup done and went with our cast, tech, props and sound team into the youth room for worship and prayer a half hour before the show began. 

As we had been practicing and preparing for the for our final performances, I recognized one of the men on our ministry team as my Social Studies teacher from sixth grade- Mr. Christians. Truth is, I never knew that he was a Christian, and I wasn't sure if he remembered me, but tonight after worship he approached me and called me by name. He went on to share with me that he recognized me and went home the evening before and looked through his old year books to find my name. He told me how he had prayed for me and for each one of my siblings when we were in his class. Before I even knew what was happening, tears were pouring down my face. 

"Thank you.... so much."

He couldn't believe I was there. "How long?" He asked

"Seven years, Vince too! We are still praying for the rest of my family,"

This man was also the basketball coach for my two older brothers. He knew them far better than he even knew me. He was clearly overjoyed to hear the news, and I could not stop the tears from coming.  He asked if my brother was a member of the church, and I explained that he was in prison currently, but had in fact, went before the parole board earlier today, and I was praying he would be able to be with me here soon enough! I was reminded in an incredibly beautiful way that even as I was praying persistently for my whole family's salvation and for my brother's release from prison... here was a man who had been praying year after year for for over 20 years that the students he taught would come to know Jesus. I have been so encouraged to hear the numbers and basic stories of salvation each night this week as a result of our play... I can only imagine the joy that he must have felt to see the fruit of his years of faithful labor in prayer!

I remember just this past summer, voicing some frustration with a friend over the fact that "God promised" and I still have yet to see those promises fulfilled. I will never forget what she told me then...  "Moses journeyed with the Israelites through the wildness for 40 years and he never got to see the promised Land." The truth is, we don't always get to see the fruit of our labors, but as Galatians 6:9 says, "Do not grow weary in doing good for you shall surely reap a harvest if you do not give up!"

One of my fellow cast members asked me the other day, how I came out of Mormonism into Christianity. After sharing my story with her she shared with me John 15:16, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that remains, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, He will give to you." What a promise! Thinking about my past, it is clear that God chose me, and I will be forever humbled by that fact. Yet, the beauty of His paradox is that He allowed me to choose Him in return! Kind of like a marriage, I suppose :) He chose me first. We love, because God first loved us (1 John 4:9) The best part about that promise? "I have appointed you to bear fruit- fruit that remains!" While we may not always see the fruits of our labors, we can be assured that when we bear fruit, it will be lasting! God has promised it will remain!

Mr. Christians was a victorious reminder of that. God works in His timing not ours. I am so grateful that my middle school teacher cared enough to pray for mine and my siblings' salvation! My life and my oldest brother's are eternally changed by his faithfulness. It is encouraging to know that, looking at my family's future with God... there is always hope! As Philippians 1:6 says, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work will carry it on into completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I am also encouraged to think of my future career as a high school teacher, knowing that my prayers and connections with the students may be life changing and eternally altering as well. What is the point of it all if our hope is not found in Christ? Thinking about this teacher's prayers for me and my family, along with where God has brought me to now in my life, I can't help but feel extremely blessed! Today is truly good indeed!

Thank you for the Cross, Lord! 
For the price you paid!