Wide Awake

The news I got today made my heart sink. Newton, CT you are in my prayers: every mother, father, sister, brother, friend- any who are impacted by this tragedy. Like any other time that I have found my heart heavy with emotion, I am writing, bleeding my thoughts out on paper, or in this blog.

Like so many who have been faced with this kind of news, my heart wrestles with the question of why and how this could happen. It's a hard concept to see days like this and still try to reconcile within our hearts that God is good. For some of us, that is all the hope that we have to hold onto. For others... if you told them that, all the pain, anger and fear in their hearts would erupt, not knowing how their precious babies could have been taken away. I am among those that cling to the hope I have in Christ and it doesn't always make the heart aches easier, but it does give me something to keep living for.

Oh fragile hearts! How could you endure such sorrow?! I am at a loss for words... only the prayers that the God who does bind up the broken-hearted and heals them of their wounds, as Psalm 147:3 promises- will be closer than ever to those grieving. I know that it was never God's will for such things to happen, but I can say- knowing from my own set of sorrows and pain in my life... none that I feel can compare to what I'm sure these families are feeling at this time... that God will weave through this tragedy and make something beautiful from the broken pieces of this mess. "For God works through all things for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purposes" (Romans 8:28). He has called us all to His purposes, and the only thing that can reconcile what has happened is the fact that He also gives us free will, and I will be the first to admit that it can be horrifying what we make of it.

I want my heart to be soft enough and compassionate enough to grapple with these questions, understanding what a sensitive subject this is and that the wounds are still very much fresh and fragile. To say that God couldn't have stopped it, would be to deny His omnipotence, and God knows when hearts are willing to change. I can't speak for the man behind the gun, but it is likely that there was such a darkness inside his heart that hope was all but lost. I know God continues to pursue us, and even fight for us until that very last second, but the choice is always left up to us. There is no way of knowing the reasons for this man's behavior in it's entirety, but I can say that there is a spiritual war waging around us everyday and this even is proof of that. It's a matter of whether we we let the darkness win out or not.

It breaks my heart to hear the ways that people are responding with hatred toward the shooter, and I understand, they have every right to do so. But the cross that our savior carried was for our crimes, our sins, and our failings... as well as to forgive the very ones who crucified Him. We as a nation must find it in our hearts to forgive also, as hard as that might be. Ezekiel 18:23 says "DO I have any pleasure in the death of the wicked?" declares the Lord GOD, "rather than that he should turn from his ways and live?" That is the heart of our God, and our should be the same. Though I will surely grieve over the loss of the innocent and God does no less- in fact we cannot even begin to fathom at the extent of the ways that God's heart breaks, and because He is a just and Holy God, I know that no sin goes unpunished.

The comfort I have in the midst of all this, is that God sees the big picture, and he knows how even te tragedy will change peoples lives and the stories of hope and maybe even forgiveness will come from all this, if we will only open up our hearts and allow Him to mend our brokenness and heal our wounds.   His desire is to make us like Him, loving like Him. He gave up His life so that many might have the chance to live, and again... I can't speak with certainty, but perhaps the lives that were lost today may open doors for many to have the chance to believe in a purpose and a hope. To be sure, I don't have all the answers, I don't know what God has in store for us, for this nation or for this world, apart from what His word tells us.

I will say that for myself, my eyes have been opened and I am wide awake to the desperate need for God to heal this land. I spent a lot of today asking God why America was so screwed up, but the truth is... it's everywhere. We may not hear about it that often, but every day an innocent life is lost regardless if that is because of some form of disease or because of some act of violence. There is a group pf believers that are persecuted every day in ways that we cannot even begin to imagine and their faith is even stronger because of it. God can use their circumstances to reveal His glory, and I know He will use this one as well, but we must all do our part in loving our neighbor- not just when they deserve it, cause the truth is, none of us deserve to be loved. But He chooses to love us anyways, because He sees the potential in us and believes that we are worth it. It's time for us all to rise up and really start living like Jesus and may the trumpets soon resound and signal the way for the rider of the white horse that has and will come to redeem us all. Until then, we shall not tarry or wait with complacent hearts, but with heart aflame seek His glory, and fall on our knees to pray.

Levi the Poet, New Album- "Seasons"

Last night I had the honor and privileged of meeting Levi Macallister and seeing him perform his art here at River City Church in Missoula, MT. I have been an unashamed fan for quite some time now and am well versed and familiar with his previous works from Monologues and Werewolves, as well. Like many, I was drawn to his individual style of what some would argue to be poetry, but a sure art form nonetheless. He manages to use well thought out, profound lyrics to bring out the raw and vulnerable in us all.  However I was amazed even further with the new elements he brought to his art with his newest album, "Seasons."

His own lyrics sum it up best when he says, "some will love it because it’s honest, and some will hate it because it’s crude." He definitely has an edge to his art that is unique and all his own, some likely have found it offensive. I however, find it real. I find it passionate. Nothing shows that more than Levi's latest album. "Seasons" takes his willingness to share his story and his passion, and not just make it about the experiences, but about the sense that we all have stories, we have all been scarred, and we are all searching for something greater to make something of worth out of it all. Levi shares that hope through his album "Seasons" more than any previously, although the others area certainly not lacking in that message to be sure! 

He has fine tuned his art adding in a more melodic and passionate edge to his newest pieces as well, with piano parts and singing from his wife, Brandi, as well as other instrumental elements added to the mix that make this album well worth not just the lyrical content but the creativity that he expresses through the musical aspects as well. And his performance last night: Inspiring to say the least! Thanks Levi for sharing your hope and your heart through the lyrics and poems you call art! It truly is something glorious! 

You can check Levi out on his website www.levithepoet.net

I hope my readers find it as awe-inspiring as I do! 

Cheers!    

           Megan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjMkjIu_8LQ

Going Deeper

Funny how a place can bring so many memories with it an how we can associate a place with those memories, either good or bad. The Montana Assembly Of God Glacier Bible Camp grounds have always brought a heavy mix of both. I have been a total of 4 times now, for a variety of both youth summer camps as well as retreats, each time usually as a leader of some form, and each time it brings it's own challenges, along with it's own blessings.

Upon returning from this last trip to this place from my youth... Actually, I'm only 23 still... I can still claim youthfulness right? I will anyway. This past weekend was spent with the Chi Alpha group from the University of Montana campus, for their annual Go Deep Fall Retreat. It is my fist time attending any Chi Alpha event outside of what they do on campus, however, Over the past 2 months I have been creating some pretty awesome bonds with these peeps! 

Most of my experiences at Glacier Bible Camp have been a full on battle, this weekend however was different. I know that being a part of Chi Alpha is a gift, and I am blessed by this fact. Perhaps it was the fact that I went as a student, rather than a leader, or that I was going with a group of people at a different level of maturity than I have before, and perhaps it was the fact that I have been wearing myself thin with everything that I have going on in my life and I just desperately needed a break! Whatever the case, this past weekend has been amazing! I feel like I was able to abide, without any responsibilities waiting on my shoulders, and just resting in beautiful fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and in the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit!

This weekend I had the opportunity to connect with many of the girls that are in the weekly Bible Study I have been hosting in my dorm room. I love these girls so much, I love the transparency and vulnerability I have seen in this girls every week. In fact, I am struck by the willingness of this generation as a whole- to be transparent and even vulnerable at times. I fully believe that it is this kind of heart that God will use to reveal His Glory and bring Revival to the world! Week after week I am blessed by these amazing young women of God, and I am little by little having the amazing opportunities to get to see them in their true selves. In those moments when they are struggling, those moments of doubt or questioning, those moments when they are tired, goofy, sarcastic, excited... you name it. I am blessed being here on campus because that means that I get to do life together, with these girls! I get to do the very thing that I have been taught the last four years and the very thing I love- which is to love and disciple these girls.

Last night after our Bible Study, we stayed up until midnight doing homework together, and afterward, thanks to our discussion before we hit our school books- God opened the door for us to be intensely vulnerable with each other. I walked back to my dorm with a greater sense of purpose and the calling on this campus, not just for myself but for each and every one of these girls. I went to bed with a very full, yet somewhat heavy heart. Our conversation proved to me what my spiritual father has reminded me of frequently...  Jason's words hit me thinking about the weight of their truth. "We are not called to share everything in our lives with every person, but God definitely puts people in our lives that we are meant to share specific things with, all for His glory and a greater cause." I know that this rings true with these relationships God has placed in my life this semester, I was blown away by the connection that I made with these girls last night.

While away at the retreat one of our exchange students decided to implement a 24 hour prayer room. One of my most encouraging and most powerful God moments while I was there took place in this room. Praying with another one of these girls and feeling the power and her passion that accompanied her prayers was one of the greatest encouragements and reminders that I am not alone in my dreams and my desire to see my city and my campus changed. I saw some awesome things happen on our retreat, even outside of those beautiful, intimate prayer room moments and the amazing fellowship as well. I saw God's spirit and His glory fall upon during our times of worship, and rest upon us- over and over again, I had the awesome privilege of seeing 4 people give their hearts to the Lord for the first time in one night, and the follow day, to see 3 of my dear friends walking in obedience to get baptized. I saw God move in powerful ways, and it made it all the more worthwhile seeing the wonder written on the faces of several of these dear sisters.

Early this morning, there were several of these friends that met together for prayer at the Chi Alpha house near campus, and as we prayer for our families and our friends, as we prayed for them to know the Love of Christ in real ways in their lives and as we prayed for our campus and for God's power to be effective in our ministry and our witness in this place it struck me... powerful things are happening in my life and in my world, and I can trace that back to being purposeful in prayer and in those relationships! My city is on the brink of an outpouring of Revival, and the more we pursue His heart in the prayer, the more of Heaven we will see coming to Earth. I am both humbled and excited to see what God continues to do from here. Lord, I pray you help us to represent you well! <3 p="p">

Encountering Jesus

Being quite honest, Friday was the worst day that I have had in quite some time. Every plan and hope I had fell through the roof, all because of some serious financial stress. In fact, to say these last few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement! About a month ago I was asked to help out with a benefit concert event called "Get Loud" for an organization called "Love Has Come." I wasn't entirely sure what I should be expecting, all I know is that after the kind of day I had been having and with all the stress and exhaustion I was feeling built up from the past week or so- the last thing I wanted was to go do anything! This would just be one more thing on the agenda to add to my already super hectic schedule. For about an hour after my last school commitment of the day, I argued with myself over whether or not I should go. The thing is, I made a promise and I try my best to be someone who sticks to my word.

So at about 5:30 pm, I grabbed my pumpkin white mocha and headed down to the Wilma Theater. Once I got there, no one seemed to know who I was, or how I got roped into helping... truth is, I didn't either. Most of the people there I had never even seen before... all I know is someone (who I also didn't know) asked me on the Facebook event page to help, and I said yes. It was definitely one of those moments that was totally NOT coincidence! The more I wandered around the theater in my "Get Loud" volunteer t-shirt, the more out of place I felt with the group, so I started praying... a lot and then the more I became certain of my role there. About a half an hour before the event kicked off, as I was pacing the balcony area where I was asked to help oversee the ushering, the president and founder of Love Has Come stopped me and asked how I happened to get involved and who in the group did I know. I told him that I went to school with the drummer and lead guitarist/singer of the band that they were featuring that night, but I had no idea how I wound up ushering! The woman that I spoke with on Facebook was the one who asked me and I still have no idea who she is!

I preceded to share with Marc the very things that the Lord was impressing upon my heart in that moment. How God wanted to use this event to help unify the body of Christ and how this was going to be something that helped me to understand more of the call God had on my life for both music and adoption. I shared with Marc and his wife Abby both at different points during the night that I have have had a heart for adoption, especially international adoption, since I was a child at ten years old. As the the events of the night began and worship was well underway, I began praying and worshiping. I prayed for the Love Has Come team, for those involved in the event and for those in attendance, that hearts would be open and that God's glory would shine through in every single moment!

It didn't take long before I felt a strong sense that my world was about to get seriously altered! As I proceeded in worship, I went at it! Worshiping like nothing else mattered, because in that moment, after my hellish day... nothing else did! All of my worries, doubts and fears from the day faded, all of my issues... as big as they seemed to me, were nothing in comparison to God's love and greatness!

The combination of Jesus's sweet presence along with a greater revelation of His heart for the orphaned and widowed, for the broken and the rejects...it all just made my troubles seems so insignificant compared to all the children whose faces flashed across the projection screen... Children without families and homes, children without clean water even... I did have those! Maybe not the best, but of priceless value to those who have had nothing. My heart melted more and more with each picture, each story. Each song ministered so much to my spirit, I knew that my Daddy God was right there with me, near me. I could feel His embrace and hear Him singing over me, which is exactly what my heart needed. He whispered to me,  "Megan, this is the beginning of a shift. This is it, darling! You and me, taking on the rest of the world! Your life will never be the same." Holy Spirit spoke clearly to my heart on so many levels! This past week, I had lost my sense of passion and my purpose felt nothing more than just another obligation. That night all that changed... I am hearing Papa speaking some of the same kind of things over me that He did as I sat on the bench in the foyer of the Bonnie Brae House- home of the historical Azusa Street Revival- Where I was surrounded Brad and Sarah Webster's revival group from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

That was a night I will never forget. I know tonight will be filed away in my memories forever as one of those markers along the the path of my faith walk. I was a glorious God mess most of the night- laughing, dancing, weeping, praying and praising! I feel so revived! God has picked me up in my weakest moments and extended His amazing gift of love and grace. After all, the doubts and questions during this past week, are of no consequence... as it says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." My passion has been renewed, with a greater sense of the Dreams that I already have for my life and have had since childhood, the ones that God has given me. Along with the new dream of perhaps going to Haiti to help build the orphan center with Love Has Come!

The writer Francois Mauriac said that no love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. This is truly one of those connections that I know will impact my future greatly and as crazy as it sounds, it has already impacted my present, and even my past! As I walked out of the theater at the end of the night... I looked down at my hands under the street lights and saw gold dust glimmering... all over my body! Heaven is invading my world.. and this is just the beginning. I will never be the same!

Someone Who Will Make it All Worthwhile...

I'm not even sure where to begin with this post. I just want to get my thoughts out on paper in hopes of moving forward. Lately I have been feeling so lethargic. Feeling like life is a joke and lacking to motivation to do anything, except to go to work and that is motivated by fear.... not at all a healthy place to be. I'm not sure why I am in this rut lately. As Vice President of Active Minds, I am fully aware that I have all the warning signs of depression.... but I am not depressed. I have a good life, amazing friends, and more blessings than most. I'm not sure if it's the weather or if it's something spiritual or a shift in my life where I am starting not to care about the things that once mattered. All I know is that I don't want to stay here.

Like I said, lately I've been feeling like life is a joke. I know that it's not, I know and believe with everything in me that God has a big purpose for my life and that I am going to school and pursuing what I am because God has called me here and He wants to use me to make a difference in the world. Why then is my motivation lacking? Where is my passion? What I need is someone to come and make this all worthwhile.

"Despite the darkness, I believe this fog is telling me something. 

It's telling me I'm exactly where I'm meant to be." - Donald Miller

Truth is, passion is contagious, when you have someone who is passionate about learning, and passionate about life... it's contagious! You get excited about it all too! What's missing in my life that I can't find the joy I once did in my studying or in my classes, in my church...? Don't get me wrong, all these things are good. I'm just not feelin' it lately. I would greatly appreciate prayer from anyone who happens to be reading this. Trouble is, I feel like more often than not my words get thrown by the wayside and there is so much doubt that what I write or say will really make any difference. I am one voice in a clamor of many. Am I crazy to think that I can do and be what God has called me to? Some days I think I am. Still that wont stop me from chasing that calling and those dreams God has given me. Lord Jesus, You have called me to be a voice in my generation, a voice on this campus... Help me to move past my doubts and fears, help me to find joy and passion again in my life, because this isn't working out so well for me. Jesus, come. Be the one I need to spark that passion in my heart, show me your passion for me so that I might become more contagious to share it with others. Be my one who comes and makes this all worthwhile!

"Teach us what the flowers already know, that we'll live and die 

and you'll clothe us. All for your glory." -Donald Miller

These past few weeks there is a prophetic image and word that I keep getting. I have had three people confirm that. That word is new beginnings and the picture is a sunrise  Lord, I need that light to come breaking through this fog and coldness that I am feeling right now. Let me feel the warmth of your love.

Circles. Thoughts of an Insomniac ;)

Everything feels like it's moving in circles - My memories, things from my childhood and things as I grew into my teens and memories from the most impacting things in my life. All those have lately been coming back around full circle... Thoughts from LA keep my heart busy tonight with so much love for that city and so much love for the people there... there have been several tears already tonight and I feel like as I start to venture back into all those memories as I begin writing a manuscript from my stories there, it's going to be one crazy enlightening road, and there will be still more tears. I suppose my heart could use a good stirring, a good awakening. My life is meant for more than this... for what it becomes. There is a distant shadow of fear of what that might look like, what that could mean for my life and my world right now- in this season. But I have to weigh in and find if it's all gonna be worth it in the end. Lord, I need your help figuring out what that might look like. I'm afraid I'm about to completely lose it! But isn't that what you asked of me when I made the choice to seek after and follow you? "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."

The question is... are these circles headed toward a downward spiral or into wide, sweeping arches, expanding that territory still further and allowing me to dream bigger, to believe for things greater still? I feel like this state of mind could easily make me an Alice venturing forth into wonderland as that crazy Cheshire cat grins waiting for my next move. I feel like my heart is crying out, forcing to ask the question- "Have I gone mad?" Ah... but of course I have. Entirely bonkers. "But I'll tell you a secret....” as Alice says.... "All the best people are." Guess that's what it's gonna take: To go off the deep end, to dive in and allow you to catch me, to surrender everything and allow my heart to continually be screaming out to you... "Here I am send me!!"

I wanna have my "Yes Heart" back again. Like I did in LA, I know it's there, I know that girl is inside of me begging for any opportunity to come out. I think my pride prevents me from opening the door of my own prison and letting her come out and enjoy freedom that she has already won- through Christ. Lord, all I really want in the end is to be found in you... and to be made complete. It's only this kind of purpose- This kind of love that can do that.

God I feel that tug to be back in that city of Angels almost constantly now. Soon enough that will drive me nuts as well! If it's not already... perhaps this is evidence of that. To be that person I know that I am. To write, to sing, to love... without limitation.... I guess that is why I sit here, tired perhaps even exhausted, yet wide awake... because my heart is yearning for so much much more.

I've never stopped dreaming.

Worthy to be Celebrated

My sophomore year at the University of Montana is now well underway and according to tradition it is time for yet another blog concerning the journey that I am on. Lately I have been super involved in with a campus ministry called Chi Alpha. Last year I had the opportunity to go to a couple of events, and each time I was always accepted and welcomed with open arms. This group of people always had so much love and it made me want to be around them all the time, but sadly, schedule had never allowed me to do so. This year however is different. I have made it a priority to be involved with Chi Alpha and it is already well worth my intent. This group has been an answer to my prayers in more ways than one. The second time I went to their weekly gathering called "Pursuit," one of the girls asked me if I would be willing to host a bible study in my dorm room. I have a bigger room this year with a common space/ living room area which is perfect for hosting a group of people for a bible study and my room mates have been more than gracious! The request was an answer to my prayers in seeking ways to reach out to the girls within my dorm and making an impact here on campus.



This past Monday we had our second week of this bible study and I am already finding a major connection with so many of the girls that have been joining us, and that too is an answer to prayer in the fact that I have been longing for a family and a sisterhood. Someone that understands me and my beliefs, someone that has my back with the challenges that I know I'm gonna face with life. Last year was hard in so many ways feeling like I was surrounded by a spiritual darkness here on campus and having very little encouragement or support in the battles that I was facing. I have my church, but more often than not I find I am giving out encouragement and support more then I am receiving it.

This week I had coffee with my friend Cynnimin, who had shared with me her struggles of feeling like a freak even within her own family. I know this struggles all to well myself, but that reminded me of the encouragement my friend Steven shared with me the Summer after my Senior year of high school when I shared with him this constant feeling of not feeling like I belonged, no matter where I went! I'll never forget what he said. "That's because you don't belong. Anywhere. You have been set apart by God for something far better than you can comprehend and until you find out what that is, nothing else will seem to fit or be good enough." I shared this encouragement with Cynnimin  along with a new perspective of God's heart toward her. It also reminded me that God feels that way about me- about all of us! 2 Corinthians 4: 7 says, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." He has not chosen us, but created us, as precious gems that he has set aside, preparing us for that crown of purpose for which we occupy our role, to shine gloriously in His love and His beauty.

All that being said, This is a new season, filled with new opportunities. I can already feel a spiritual shift in the environment of this school and am fully anticipating this year will be the best one yet! I am believing for changed lives and a revival generation stirring up! At the end of last semester I was talking to my Spiritual dad, Jason about this quote that I had read earlier that day... the quote read,

"Go where you are adored, not where you are ignored;

to the place where you are celebrated, not tolerated."

 -Joseph Simmons 

I struggled with that then. I asked Jason how I could be celebrated for who I am when everywhere I went it felt the opposite. He told me this simple yet profound wisdom. "Learn to celebrate others and even to celebrate myself... you do this by letting God celebrate you in your times of solitude with Him, and learning to find the gold inside of others and drawing that out and loving them, celebrating each and every bit of potential that God has placed within them, and you." Jason has been one of the best examples of this that I have ever seen, and after learning much about the art of celebrating the people as God had intended...

I am finding a place where I am celebrated, and yes, even adored for who I am. Not just what I can do... but my personality, my gifts, my passions... my heart. Which is huge. Praise God I have found this group, this family. a little taste of my heavenly home! <3>