Advent: Waiting on Hope

With Christmas upon us, naturally I have been thinking a lot about the Christ child, the promised Messiah and Savior of the world. Contrary to popular belief, or American Commercialism, this is the entire reason for the season. As I have been meditating on how a tiny babe could change this world forever, I was struck with the fact that the Israelite nation had been waiting hundreds, if not thousands of years for their promised Savior to finally arrive on the scene. The nation of Israel had waited four hundred years between the Old Testament prophets and when John the Baptist graced the world with his presence, right before Jesus made his debut! The very reality of Mary, a young girl, finding favor with God and being chosen to carry the promise has always been dear to my heart. Crazy to think about her faith and courage, her ability to trust God in the midst of such a calling! Knowing full well it would mean a lifetime of being rejected and misunderstood, she accepted that call. But even thinking about a natural pregnancy and how parents wait in hopeful expectation for their child- the fruit of their love for each other... Christ was the very embodiment of God's love for us, divinity in flesh. This story is so much bigger than any of us could ever fully begin to comprehend!

I think the traditional carol, "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" sums it up well, as it walks through various aspects of what the Bible speaks of from 40 years in the wilderness, revealing His glory on Mount Sinai. He spelled out the law for His people to point the way to the Savior to remind us of our need for the Christ. Again with David, the promise of his decendent that would never leave the throne, prophecy after prophecy told of a man who would come to save us, a child born to die as redeemer and recompense for our failings. As the words ring out in their hauntingly beautiful melody: 

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here 

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come thou Rod of Jesse free

Thine own from Satan's tyranny

From depth of Hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee O Israel

So what does this say about our God? It speaks volumes about his faithfulness and His perfect timing. This profound truth of advent reveals that God has had a plan all along, from the very beginning. Mary didn't just wait for her baby, Israel was awaiting their Messiah and the world their Savior. God always fulfills His promises in His timing, in spite of the fact that we are constantly trying to make these promises happen in our own ways, when we think they should happen. As I ponder the message of Christmas once again this year, I not only ponder what the birth of Christ meant then, but more importantly what does mean to us now? These promises that God set in motion from the foundations of the earth are still in effect today. Jesus is still the Savior and Lord over two thousand years after He walked the earth in human form. On a personal note, I am nearing the seven year anniversary of when I first accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and it has been a daily decision since then of choosing to obey and to trust Him. Jesus rescued me from a FLDS community, but more importantly He saved me from myself. The Christmas season has always been special to me, but even more so since that day. 

That being said, I have stood apart from the majority of my family as far as my faith goes and have been praying for them during these past seven years for sure. This year as I reflect on the promises of God, I am deeply encouraged by the hope that the Advent of Christ brings. Not only that the promised salvation for the world came in the form of a humble and vulnerable baby, but that it meant salvation for me. I am continuing to believe that it will mean Salvation for my family someday as well. Thinking on the hundreds of other promises God has given me, no matter how great or small, the fact that God showed up, fulfilled every prophecy about the coming Messiah gives me reason enough to trust in his faithfulness in my life as well. Lately I have been reminded of these promises. I think I am realizing more than ever how scary it is to dream, it's scary to place our futures in someone else's hands. On top of all that patience is hard! Waiting can hurt. But it is all part of a process.  Growth takes time, and yes it can be painful. We learn so much during that time. I think part of the reason Christ entered this world as an infant and allowed Mary to carry Him in her womb was to give us a picture of that waiting period, not to mention the painful birthing process, labor pains and all. The dream and promise of God given to the Holy Virgin must have been hard to trust that God meant what He said. How much more so, to patiently wait upon the Lord to see the fruit of that promise? But as Mary soon learned through the process of carrying this child, God will move when He is ready, when He knows that moment is perfect! He arrived when the world was finally at peace, after hundreds of years of war and exile, although Israel was still under oppression, there was not a single war on the earth at that time! Often times what God is doing in the spirit, will be made manifest in the natural. So in the moment of the birth of Jesus, born as a helpless babe, everything that Christ was, and is and would become in His ministry on the Earth was revealed. 

God was faithful to fulfill his promise. Not only the promise made to Mary as individual, but the promises made to His people. And God will keep His promises to us, even if it takes four hundred years, I know the Lord will do what He said He will do. As it says in 2 Peter 3:8-9, "Do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow about His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance." Yes waiting is hard, it is often times painful, but it is then we know that our dreams and the promise that God has given us matter. It wouldn't hurt if we didn't care, and often times the pain shows us that we are alive, that we are real and that we can feel. If a promise is important to us we will not give up that easily, we will cling to that hope until the end. God has never once failed us, nor has He ever once given up on us, in spite of the thousands of times we might have deserved it. He is faithful. So even now, as we celebrate this birth of the Messiah, we continue to wait, in hopeful expectation for the birth of each promise that has ever been conceived in our hearts. For we know in the right time, we will see the birth of these promises fulfilled. Hallelujah! Praise Him for He alone is worthy! 

"We eagerly await a Savior... the Lord Jesus Christ."

Philippians 3:20

Disturbing the Comfortable

I have never really been one to hide what I am feeling. Although I will be the first to admit that there are still areas for growth and maturity in that, it is a pretty big part of who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It would be easy to just write me off as a typical emotional girl, much like my father always did as I was growing up. Dad learned though after having six daughters that emotions are part of life and sometimes it's better to just own up to them than to try to stuff them. I know woman that are not at all the type to cry or share their feelings, and that's okay. Doesn't mean they are wrong or even that I am wrong... it just means we are different. God designed us all with our own unique personalities, all to be used for His glory if we learn to surrender them to Him and allow our hearts to be the clay in the hands of the potter. I was reminded of this beautiful creativity that God has put on display in each of us while talking with some friends over our differences in theological views. God pointed me to 1 Corinthians 12:15-26 where Paul is laying out the beauty of diversity in the body of Christ. Paul exclaims, "The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' And the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor." I am learning this more than ever! Along with that I am learning to find my place in the midst of it all. This past week or so especially, since one of the respected leaders, who has earned their place as a voice in my life, challenged me in this area. Call me crazy, but I love it when people challenge me to grow. However, since this is a very personal aspect of my life and an area that I have struggled with throughout, it has left me in a very vulnerable place that has left me with a few things to wrestle with.

Growing up in a highly conservative Fundamentalist Mormon community that lies hidden away in the mountains of western Montana, I have always had a pretty ingrained view on how my life should be lived as a woman. Although some of those ideals and expectations were often unspoken they were prevalent nonetheless. The commonly accepted views that women were meant to submit, serve, grow up to be one of many wives and to keep the home in perfect order and make as many babies as possible was one that ruled my world and my family. I guess I have always known that this was not the life that I was created for. I knew that my life was made to look vastly different than what the cultural expectation had placed upon me. Even now that I have left behind much of that world and have been thrown into the conservative Christian church world, I am finding that some of those same unspoken expectations of women are carrying over. This perspective is especially prevalent when talking to one of my closest guy friends about what it means to be a "real man" and how he finds it difficult to relate to men that bake and do photography. It's frustrating really, to see what culture and society expect of us as individuals, rather than realizing the benefits of our differences. For us women in the more conservative Christian views we are taught to submit, some people believe it is even sinful for women to be in positions in which they lead. Again, I struggle with this perspective. I know God has called me to be a leader, He created me for more.

You see I am a very expressive person, very relational. It's hard for me not to wear my heart on my sleeve or to stay silent when I feel that there is an injustice. It got me into trouble a lot growing up in my family, but I know God called me to be someone who will fight for the sake of love, to fight for the cause of Christ. Not only that, but God has called me to be a person of influence. This past Summer I came to the realization that to be a person of influence can be in the role of anything from a stay at home mother and wife, the career I am pursuing as a teacher, through writing, through my dream and calling to write music... there are no limits to the ways that God can use me and shine His light through me. Regardless, God has undeniably called me to be one who challenges the cultural norms.... in fact I think that is what we are all called to as Christians. Point being I have had a lot going against me. Being a very sensitive or emotional person, I feel like that brings about a battle of its own. I have had several leaders or people at church or other Christian circles tell me that I was too intense, too emotional.... that I was making them uncomfortable. Yet, somehow those that knew me well, that I would mentor or invest in seemed to be just fine with my "intensity." I will admit I can be pretty raw, but in my opinion the best relationships, the best ministries for that matter, often are. From what I read in the scriptures, I like to think Jesus was this way in many respects. Those that know my heart continue to stick around or keep coming back. I praise God for this, because He designed me to be intensely relational. It is because of Him and for His Glory, and I will admit, I battle with this identity a lot. Not that I would change any part of it, but it certainly comes with a price.

Regardless, this has always been who I was to the point that I refused to take antidepressants in high school because the feelings that it evoked felt fake. I would rather feel horrible, then to feel like the smiles I wore were masks created by the pills I took. A few weeks ago I was once again called out on my "tossed by the waves" image that people apparently get from the their first impressions and I listened to what this person had to say, heard him out and tried to see where his heart was coming from, taking all with a grain of salt. Truth be told, I wrestled with this for almost 2 weeks. As I sought the Lord as to whether or not this was who I was created to be or if this was a false identity I had owned up to, the Lord encouraged me in my identity in Him. I have been reading through Jeremiah and realized that the man that has been known as "the weeping prophet" was much the same as I. The Lord also reminded me of David and his ability to push boundaries with everything from his boldness to take on a giant, being a young and scrawny kid, or dancing violently before the Lord in passion, or his many Psalms written from a raw and very vulnerable heart. I have come to realize that every part of my heart, even the rough and unrefined places, the Lord can and will use for His glory, as long as I am living in a place of surrender, looking to Jesus to define me, rather than culture, or even the church and well-meaning people in my life. I have been created and called to be an artist. The long running mantra, "Art disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed" is running through my mind a lot lately... Is that not the very thing that David did? The calling the Lord has for me is not an easy one, yet I know beyond a doubt it will be worth it, it already has been in so many ways! The things that God calls us to are rarely easy... but it is not about being liked by others anyways, it's about making Him famous. I know I can handle not being liked, as long as I know that I am loved. I thank God my place is in Him. 

How to Find Your Soul Mate

So, we've all seen them... the numerous blog posts circulating around the internet, on all the social networking sights posted and reposted on the topic of.... you guessed it: relationships. We all wanna know how to fall in love the best way possible way, without too much sacrifice or heartbreak. I get it. Trouble is I think we get too wrapped up in being in love with the idea of love that we miss the reason God gave us this gift to begin with. I am sure we have all heard a million different perspectives and on a right and wrong way to date, but I think we can all agree that dating is a means to an end, either it ends in marriage or in a breakup and I think it's important to know what you are getting into before we jump onto the next relationship train that comes our way.

"LaFawnduh is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace Out."

Earlier today I was asked the question: What's your philosophy on dating? Do you date to get to know a guy or date only guys that you see a definite potential for a marriage partner in?  I have had enough bad relationships and enough people in my life that care about me to support me in the midst of all of that, not just in giving me advice but also in leading by example in their marriages or dating relationships, that I can honestly say, I think it should be a bit of both. Personally, I think you are wasting your time and being foolish with your emotions and not guarding your heart if you are dating just for the sake of dating, just to have fun. On the other hand, it's understandable that you will rarely know right away where a relationship will end up. It is a journey of two people walking together to discover the mysteries of one another, to discover the mysteries of God together and in a lot of ways to begin to understand more about who we are as individuals too, and it should be fun! But it can be hard too. It's important to have a firm stance on who we are before we try to bring another person into that mess. Don't get me wrong, our lives will always be messy and God help us if we ever feel like we have it all figured out, but when we are confident in our Identity in Christ our identities as couples I think are that much stronger as well. 

That being said, dating should bring us to an understanding of who we are in the picture of Christ loving His Bride, the Church, and laying His life down for her (Ephesians 5:25). Relationships of any sense are meant to resemble this in their very nature. Even friendships, when we truly care about the people in our lives and are walking in obedience with Jesus, we should die to ourselves and learn to serve one another. Relationships in general are about sacrifice, encouragement and bettering one another in mutual respect and love. All of it should point the world towards the love of Christ. We are called to love. So what about this notion of "Soul Mates"? Are we destined to be with one person for all of eternity? In some ways, I think we are. God has given us a free will to choose in all aspects of life. To choose whether or not we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, to choose to be obedient to Him, to choose our jobs, our schools, how we interact with the people in our lives.... God gives us the free will to choose who we will end up with as well. 

The way I see it is this: if God calls us to be missionaries or teachers or rockstars or business men and women... or if He calls us to certain places like Africa or Los Angeles, Seattle, Chiago, or Thailand or Norway, etc... then it would make sense that God would call us to people as well. God draws two people together and calls them to love each other in the same way that He loves, for their lives to reflect His. In the same way that we have a choice whether or not we are obedient to the things God calls us to, we have a choice to love the people God has called us to as well, granted that there are usually hard consequences to choosing the opposite of what God has called us to. The story of Jonah is a classic example. Point is, God knows our hearts so well that He knows who will work well together and who will bring Him the most glory when in partnership with one another. Love is a choice after all, one that we must continue to choose long after the feelings of being "in love" have faded away. It means laying down your life for your relationships. If we truly love God and obey His commands, it is inevitable that we will wind up in the places and with the people that we are meant to be with, especially if we seek God and allow Him to form and mold our hearts. I have learned over the past four years that as God draws us closer to Him, then He will draw us closer to one another. The more we pursue Him in worship, the more He makes our hearts like His and begins to conform our will to His. The more we learn about His heart, the more our hearts begin to love the things, places and people that He loves

. 

So, if we choose who we end up with, and we choose to be obedient to God with who we are called to, then how do we find our soul mate? By fixing our eyes on Jesus who is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:1) and He will bring us into the center of His will. As we draw closer to our Savior, the closer we will be toward the one we are called to spend our lives and all of eternity with and I don’t know about you, but it’s the only love triangle that I ever want to be part of!

Consumed

"The heart is deceitful beyond all else, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9

Tonight I have been wrestling with so many thoughts and emotions. It doesn't help when I am trying to write a story for my Creative Fiction class. When I read fiction, it's easy to just get lost in another world, but as I write it I am realizing that I am nowhere in it, and that is a battle. I feel like my heart is fighting what I am writing on the page and what is inside of me. There are so many stories within me that I can't possibly contain them all.This is why I am a writer. It is in this moment when I am realizing that I cannot write anything more until I write what's inside. Yet, the question that I always seem to struggle with is this: are my stories important? I guess it has always been a fear of mine. That the history I carry will be kept hidden, or die with me. There are a few in my life that have heard mere echoes of these stories, some have even caught some depth to the shadows forming shapes out of the blurred images I somehow create. I am still trying to shut out the accusations that my heart is screaming at me.... "You will never be fully known. Will anyone fully love you if you are?"

I apologize for the raw honesty here, but nights like tonight where I can't quite pinpoint the root of where these thoughts are coming from, it helps to process it all through writing. I believe that God gave me this life for a purpose. Every single part of it is an unfolding and revealing of His love on display, His glory made manifest in and through my life. Every part of me a chapter in the story He is writing, including the darkest moments and things that I have been most ashamed of. The question now vying for my attention- Which stories where meant to be told? I understand that not every part of me is meant to be laid bare before every soul that I encounter, that it takes wisdom to know how and when to tells these stories.... but how do I guard my heart, yet not shrink back because of fear? The fear of rejection or fear of my life proving to be of no worth at all is a common struggle for me. I know that half of this is a lie, but how do you shut out those subtle voices telling you it will never matter, all while feeling if I do not write, I will be consumed. The stories are almost like that "fire shut up in my bones." The other day I was posed a question that I suppose I am still wrestling with, one that continually echoes in my heart as a reminder of all those empty spaces that need to be filled and all the wounds yet to be healed: "Are you okay living your life with no walls and no ceilings?"

A scary concept if you think about it. To be so transparent before man that they see your every weakness, every failure, every success.... and to be so vulnerable before God that there is no denying my continual need for Him moment by moment. Yet, this is what I want. This is one of the voices clamoring through the other lies that come screaming out at me in the late hours when I sit at home alone, in silence. This voice is quieter than all the rest, but the truth and the hope of it makes it so much stronger. I guess when I think about the prophet Jeremiah and what he was really talking about when he said that he said God's word was a fire in his heart that could not contain... the fire shut up in his bones.... he was talking about walking out the path God laid before him in obedience and humility, even in the midst of persecution and rejection. Jeremiah was a man that understood what it meant to love without walls or ceilings in his life. My prayer is that whatever my heart is finding in the midst of its wrestling with these ideas, sorting out truth from lie, that it is glorifying to Christ. Though my heart is truly shouting, "You are ALL I want!" My spirit is willing, yet my flesh is weak. Lord, have mercy, for I am undone! 

Come on my Soul....

In Psalm 57, one of my heroes of the Bible writes: "My heart, oh God, is steadfast. My heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn."

David writes this psalm right after fleeing from a friend who has not only turned his back on him, yet tried to kill him. David has escaped the wrath of Saul and his attempts to kill him several times, and yet he sings! He praises God. I have always loved David gift of prophetic pen, but more than that even, I have loved his authenticity. I love how raw and unashamed a man of Royal stature can be! It's difficult enough I feel for any given person, in any given position in life to be real and vulnerable with what's going on in life. Let alone to have a man, a king, and one of great influence.... bearing his soul through song and pen!

When I read this verse, this Psalm.... I am struck by the fact that David is obviously being attacked in a very tangible way, and toward the beginning of the Psalm, he admits his struggle with the circumstances: "I am in the midst of lions; I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts- men who's teeth are spears and arrows, who's tongues are sharpened swords." He is not hiding his turmoil, and yet.... he sings! Not a bluesy, melancholic song.... a song of praise, of hope. Why? How is that he is able to praise God, when he is literally attempting to preserve his life? By commanding his heart that God is higher than his emotions. "Awake, my soul!" Wake up, soul! Look at your God! Look at who He is! And praise Him, for He is worthy!

It occurs to me as I read David's outpouring of his heart, his realness, his vulnerability and his honesty.... He is calling forth something within Him to rise up! Something that he knows is there, because he's seen it. David knows that he loves God and that God is worthy to be praised, but to be honest..... "I don't feel like it" is a rut that many of us find ourselves in. I have myself struggled through just going through the motions of reading my Bible, or worship because it's what you do at church.... and church is what you do on the weekends if you love Jesus right?

There is something so wrong about that way of thinking. Not to excuse that behavior or thought process, but we are human, and I take comfort in knowing that one of the Biblical Greats struggled with that too. But he knew it was in his heart to love God and to trust God and to worship Him, even when his flesh was fighting it full force. David understood that his soul- mind, will and emotions- were not always on board with what his spirit wanted. The words of Jesus to His disciples reflected this truth as well.... "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So David, set an example by commanding his soul to get in line with his spirit. "Awake my soul and sing!" I was reminded this past Summer, when I was at the Pasadena International House of Prayer, in the prayer room 90% of the time this Summer... yet somehow stuff finding myself in a funk, and being frustrated with myself because "I just didn't feel like praying or worshiping." Even though I wanted to want. to. My spiritual father, Jason, reminded me of this truth. "Come on my soul, let down your walls and sing!"** That truth came up a lot this past Summer, and about halfway through the semester , I am being reminded of how easy it is to just accept "not feeling like it" and just be frustrated with ourselves. When we step out in faith to do what we want to want to do toward intimacy with God- He not only knows and sees our hearts, but He honors that as well. In His grace and Mercy he meets us right where we're at and carries us where we need to be, bringing breakthrough in are lives where we need it.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" ~Hebrews 4:14-16

**Lyrics from Rend Collective: Come On My Soul

That sounds Buddhist.....

The other day I was having coffee with a friend, and we were discussing the future. For me, I try not to plan to far ahead and embrace today's challenges as they come. Don't get me wrong, I am a dreamer,  and I love thinking about what the future may hold.... but I have also learned that nothing is set in stone. As it says in Proverbs 16:9 "The mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs His steps." I will admit that sometimes my mind goes in weird directions on how one thought spurs on another..... it got me thinking about the path of life and where that takes us, essentially where we choose to go. God is gonna keep us right where He needs us to be, sometimes backing us into a corner in His mercy to do so. Yet, as a loving Father, He has also given us our choice. The catch? He knows our hearts far better than we even know it for ourselves, He knows what we will choose. Nonetheless, there are a plethora of things that help us determine where we stand on the road of life: Our upbringings, our friends, what we're taught in school or church.... where we live.... etc. Those things can shape how we view ourselves, and even how we choose to view God. Sometimes we don't even realize it! Everyday we are at a crossroads of what we choose to believe.... about who God is, about the world, about who we are. We all are believing lies as a result of our experiences, past wounds and even due to the original sin beginning with Adam and Eve and the fall of man. Because of the fall, we are all trying to find our way back to Eden. This life is about the journey we take in getting there.

Lately I have been taking a class at the local university on Buddhist Hermaneutics in American Poetry. In all honesty, I began taking the class because I was required to have a diversity credit and only had 2 options. The other class...  'Expatriates in Paris' was full. Like many of us Christians, my skin was crawling at even the idea of being taught any doctrine that conflicted with my own. But I think that's the problem with most Christians.... and as I just said, I have been part of the problem, and in many ways, I probably still am. I was not looking forward to the start of the semester n regards to this class, however, when I looked at the syllabus and the literature we were assigned to read, it was some pretty awesome stuff and therefore I reason it might not be as bad as I thought. The first day of class, I ran into the other professor in the hallway on the way to said class, and told him about my frustration with his class being full. Since I have had this professor before, and loved him, it made it even harder to 'accept my fate.'  Needless to say, I was seriously considering dropping this Buddhist Hermaneutcs class when I learned that this professor was willing to squeeze me in and sign an override. As soon as I told him I would consider it, already knowing what I wanted, I heard a voice deep in my heart nudging me, "better pray about that first.... " I knew God was trying to tell me something I had overlooked before.

I prayed and wrestled with the decision for about a week, I didn't want to compromise where I stood with my faith in Christ, because I am definitely not one of those, "all roads lead to God" kind of people. On the other hand, I didn't want to shrink back on what this class might offer, or more so- what God had in store through this class, because of fear. After the first day of class, the professor openly stated that he was a Buddhist convert that grew up Presbyterian and then belonged to a Baptist church for awhile. Odd journey in my opinion.... Regardless, I kept getting the feeling that this was an opportunity for me to be a witness, not only to this professor, but also toward the other students in the class. It also helped that a christian friend of mine was also taking the class, for somewhat similar reasons. Except that she feels called to the Far East and therefore has a deep interest in Asian culture. As I was sharing my dilemma with two of my closest friends, one of them encouraged me that the class would probably only make my faith in Christ stronger, and yes, probably would challenge me, and force me to wrestle with God in many ways, but in the end my foundation would be even stronger. I knew she was right. I knew God had something amazing planned for this semester... Buddhist Hermanuetics class was going to be a significant part of that.

The more I have gone through this class, being now almost a third of the way through the semester, the more I am realizing so many of the reasons God places me in this class. One being that this past Summer He had called me to Thailand and much of the culture and the people there are Buddhist. One being to refine even myself with the concept of who I am looking to as my Savior in life.... to Jesus, or to myself. And of course finally, to grow my faith and my boldness in being a witness to those around me. As I have been hit with each of these revelations, the more I am sure of God's pleasing and perfect will. The thought that I might have missed some amazing blessings if I had dropped the class greatly saddens me. The fact that so many believers shrink back from so many great adventures that the Lord is totally in the midst of saddens me even more. Like I said, going into this class, I can't say that I blame them, however looking at the gift God has given me in taking this class, I would challenge anyone that feels like studying or being taught about another belief or another culture or way of life, to reconsider. You never know what doors God may be opening up for the purposes for which he has called you to and what your future will hold from there. The biggest thing is listening to His voice for direction and being obedient to His leading. Like I said, even in this we have a choice.

Musings (Of Autumn)

         Today I took a walk downtown. Partly because I needed time to think, time to pray and mull over the truths that I heard at church this morning- and partly because I had left my bike on Campus and needed to go and retrieve it. As walked over Higgins Street bridge that overlooks Caras Park and the Clarkfork River, I stopped about midway and watched the two men in wet suits climbing onto the shore with their paddle boards. Although I had a million thoughts in my mind in that moment, all fighting for my attention, I couldn't help but think of these men. I thought about how crazy they were to be jumping in a Montana river with it being nearly October and the water being undoubtedly, so cold. I looked over the river, across the way to the Orange Street bridge. My mind found a home with my affection of my city, the place I call home, and praising God that He has chosen to place me here. Thinking of where he's brought me and where I have been and as much as my heart longs for a return to California, I love it here. I spent the next few minutes asking God's forgiveness for not being content where I am. It was in that moment, as I decided to continue moving forward across the Higgins bridge. I was running my hand along the railing of the walkway there along the bridge when I realized that my heart is truly most content when it is fully satisfied in Christ. I couldn't help but smile as I allowed my mind and my heart to be enraptured by my beautiful city and the love that I have received from my Savior and Lord.

           I continued my walk toward the college campus, feeling the brisk wind as it blew my hair and my floral scarf about. I looked around me at the leaves on the trees, starting to transform into the colorful pallet of fall. I was reminded of one of the activities we did while I was in Pasadena at he Pulse Internship at the International House of Prayer. Our internship director lead us in a prophetic activation activity in which we sat in silence, waiting on the Lord after asking Him what season we were in. I was in a season of Winter then. As I walked down past the cute little houses along 6th Street, I tried listening to the Lord, pondering in my heart and my mind, which season I might be in at this current point of my life. I felt it as surely as the chill that caused me to pull my cardigan tighter around my body and cross my arms over my chest. I am undeniably in season of Fall. I have always loved fall in so many ways, except for the undeniable trumpet that Winter is on it's way.... although in my walk with the Lord, it would appear the seasons are working in reverse, at least thus far. I do, however, love everything else about Fall. I love scarves, and boots and the feeling of having a warm cup of coffee, tea, or cider in my hands. I love curling up in front of a fire place or wrapping up in a cozy blanket with a good book. I love the brisk air that carries just a hint of Winter, yet somehow mingles perfectly with the sun that is still clinging to the last bit of Summer. I used to dress up in shorts and a tank top and go sit outside on the trampoline in the backyard as soon as the weather would start to show signs of Fall. I would sit out there until my skin was cold and bluish and I couldn't stand it.... Truth is, I could find something magical and beautiful about any season.

           Despite all the glorious descriptions I could keep rambling on about with Fall, or any of the seasons, there are a few painful aspects of Fall in which it would difficult for me to deny. In a lot of the natural sense Fall represents things dying and being stripped away. Autumn represents change. That can be both good and bad, yet usually when we think of death it's not generally a positive thing. I will admit with the challenges that I am facing in my life right now, they are definitely not easy. But I see God's goodness in it all, lately my car has been in the shop with a team of amazing people trying their best to make an expensive fix as least expensive as possible.... regardless, it sucks not having a car, because my school and work schedule don't really allow for much room for commuting on bike or on foot and the bus system here has been found wanting. Each day however, I find myself enjoying the bike ride or walk to school and even back home from work. Even though walking past the cemetery near the north side of town in the dark is not my favorite past time, I have had some sweet Jesus moments while walking that long 4.5 mile stretch alone. A lot of time to process and reminisce even about this past Summer in Pasadena and everything with Pulse. Times on the bus have been some of the most amazing conversations with strangers and some even about Jesus, even leaving me super encouraged reminding me that God has a divine purpose in all things, and it's always for our good! He's shaping my character and changing my perspectives on things that I have held in high status, and being reminded that, in light of eternity... have a car doesn't really matter. Don't get me wrong, it can help, but God's priorities are revealing himself to people and the love that He has for us all, whether we have yet to know Him or not. Not only does He reveal Himself to us in greater capacities in times of difficulty, as He is revealed more greatly within ourselves, the world begins to see Him more clearly in and through us as well. There is something beautiful about someone who is broken, undeniably so, yet still laughs with their whole soul (as my friend Kiira says) and wears a genuine smile, but is unafraid to admit that they are hurting or that things are hard.

           As I watch the leaves turn color and fall to the ground as they are being stripped away, I can't help but think of the purpose that they are stripped off the trees each year in preparation for Winter.... because it is preparing the trees for new life. As sad as a barren tree looks, Winter is God's merciful way of giving rest before bringing an abundance of new life, ensuring that we have been refreshed and strong enough to handle the blessings as well as the adversities. God in His mercy has never once failed to paint the world with the colorful display of His creative glory as the earth dies a little each year.... giving us reason to still stand in awe of Him and His goodness. We must do the same when there are places in our lives that are dying or being stripped away, trusting that new life is coming and God has something far greater than we could ever dream of in store for us. The more I walk through life, blessing and trial alike, the more I am convinced: Everything definitely happens for a reason and the best is ever yet to come. :) 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing..... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." ~James 1:2-4, 12

Saved, Healed and Delivered!

I am just about to wrap up my journey here at the Pasadena International House of Prayer for my Pulse Internship and I feel the need for this post to be a testimony of what God has been doing during this past month for inner healing. This week alone has revealed the power and love of God in ways I could previously have only imagined! For over 5 years I have been dealing with intense pain in my abdomen due to an issue with my reproductive system called PCOS. Sometimes the pain would be so bad that I would spend hours at times in the bathroom vomiting, and many nights have been spent curled into a ball on my bed, crying myself to sleep, because no matter what I did, the pain wouldn't leave. I started dealing with these issues here in California about a week ago as I was in an evening worship service for PIHOP. During worship, I felt led to pray for the Salvation of my family, since all but me and my oldest brother are still members of the FLDS church, or Fundamentalist Mormons. As I was kneeling low to the ground, interceding for personal encounters with Jesus Christ as their Savior, sharp intense pains started shouting though my body. The epicenter of the pain was my abdomen, but I noticed that sharp pain was also manifesting in my shoulder, wrist, knees, ankles, and neck as well. I tried to ignore it and focus on worship instead, but if anyone has dealt with that pain before, it's not something that can just be ignored! So I spent the rest of the evening trying to pray though it, hoping that there would be a word of knowledge about it at the end, giving me an opportunity to leave my responsibilities and receive prayer.

Needless to say... God does not work on our terms, hence, the word of knowledge never came. I had agreed to serve as part of the ministry team and as I our group was praying together before people started coming to receive from us, my group leader Suzann asked me a question. I still don't know what the question was because I was zoning out so much due to the pain. I apologized and told her I did not feel well. She and the other girl in my group prayed over me and told me to go sit down, worship and just receive from the Lord. That wasn't much better, but I couldn't go home because I had 2 girls that I had given rides to the service that I was responsible for, so I had to wait it all out. My friends Jena and Lois prayed over me as well, but nothing changed. Lois finally told me to go home and take care of myself after agreeing to take the other girls home. Unfortunately the next 3 days consisted of me staying at home alone watching netflix, with my pain and the lies in my head to keep me company.Lies saying that no one wanted to be around me or that they didn't really care. It made my weekend, quite literally a mental hell. I forced myself to go to Old Town Pasadena on Saturday to take my friend to a job interview and spent some time in Barnes and Noble which is normally like a room in heaven to me, but after about an hour, I couldn't focus on what I was trying to read, so I walked over and got my friend and went home. Monday, once again I forced myself to go to staff prayer at the house of prayer, but I spent most of the time sitting on the floor, cross-legged and begging God to take away the pain. I left and ran some errands around town and went home for awhile, to let my body have a break before forcing myself to go to the YWAM Circuit Rider's service that PIHOP was hosting that evening.

Thankfully the message was phenomenal and I got so excited about the sermon and the preaching that it was a long awaited and very welcomed distraction. My friend Lois asked me how I feeling when the service was over and I told her that I was ok, but gave more details on what was going on. She prayed for me again and asked me to grab her to pray with me if things started getting bad again. The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and was seriously considering not going in for the internship that day. But I kept pushing myself, because I hate feeling confined or held back, and this stupid thing had held me back way too much as it was!! Little did I know that we would have a guest teacher in town, who was actually the original Pulse Director. Mandy is extremely gifted in the prophetic, healing and deliverance, so she began to teach us about a little of all of that, starting with inner healing and deliverance to help finish of the month's focus. While we were trying to receive from the Lord, the pain got really bad. I was so distracted that I could not think, let alone hear from the Holy Spirit! Mandy, looked at me and asked me what I was feeling based on our exercise. I told her that I was in a lot of pain and felt nauseous, I felt like I needed to leave. She instantly came over and laid hands on me and started praying for me. She was sensing the spiritual realm and battle I was walking though, beyond the physical or even emotional, and her prayers were definitely hitting my heart, but the pain seemed to only be getting worse. The biggest thing in my head was, "I am robbing from what the class should be learning right now."

I told Mandy I was gonna go into the other room so she could continue with class. She protested at first, but then allowed me to leave with the exception that our Pulse assistant went with me and continued to pray in tongues over me. When I got to the couch in the other room, all of the lies I had been feeling or hearing in my head had surfaced and I broke down and buried my face into the pillows and wept. I wept for probably a good 20 min or more, as Valerie stroked my hair comfortingly, praying over me the entire time. I felt someones hands come down on my side, as heat shot through my body. I heard Mandy's voice as she began praying fervently over me, breaking and rebuking as she felt led. After a few minutes, I felt my entire being succumb to peace, except my abdomen, which kept burning. Not a painful, violent burning, but a tingling, warmth- almost as if someone had placed a heat pack over me. Mandy left again into the other room after telling Valerie that I should just rest awhile and could join them in the next room, if and when I was ready to. I sat up and just received the peace of God's presence and His healing power within me. I realized that I had been carrying guilt and shame over things of my past that God had forgiven me for, but I was still holding onto. I had been afraid to allow for God's peace in it's full capacity, because I had been abused and taken advantage of the last time I allowed myself to be in that state of being. I let God bring things to light and speak His truth over me as I received His love.

Over the next few days God continued to show me areas from my past that had affected my diagnosis and condition, including things that I had spoken over myself- even unintentionally- and cursing my health. Thing like telling my Mom that I didn't want to have children when I was a teenager, fears that I had bought into that were irrational, but still very real because they were rooted in my Mormon upbringing and the lie that I would always fail. The Lord has revealed to me that there has been generational curse that come along with my upbringing in Mormonism that are more subtle than the spirit of the occult per se, but still very present nonetheless. Things like a spirit of misogyny, a spirit of poverty and a spirit of affliction. Over the next week I went through some inner healing and deliverance over these issues with my YWAM friend Jena and got some awesome breakthrough! Not just for myself, but after 4 hours of prayer between each of us, we both walked away with greater levels of freedom! With my healing and deliverance I began to understand God's love in a very practical way and it led me to want to show that same love with others, by praying for healing for their needs- physical and emotional! I saw a total of 3 physical healings in one week and 3 cases of deliverance and inner healing within a weeks time! Needless to say, I have been in awe of Christ's power and the love He has for us each as individuals and His desires to protect, care for, and provide for us! For the first time in my life I am actually believing that God can use me to be great- all for His glory!! And that is as simple as receiving Him and His love in His fullness! Loving Him, and loving the ones in front of me, whoever comes across my path- because THAT is how true revival starts, with people encountering the person of Jesus. But we must cultivate Christ in us, and fellowship with Him first and foremost!

It has been a crazy journey, still is! In fact I have been battling a lot this past week with various attacks against my voice and being a voice as God has called me to be. I know that no victory comes without retaliation, and I also know that I am entering into new realms and new battles- a lot are as a result of contending for my family and their salvation,because no longer am I satisfied with the story stopping here with me... I want God's glory in it's fullness and that means carrying it to every single person I know and seeing it brought to fruition! If you're reading this, your prayers regarding these things would be valued far greater than you could ever imagine! But even still... God is worthy! He is worthy of everything and no matter the cost, I am choosing to love Him with everything! If there is one thing this Summer Internship has taught me it is to "rooted and grounded in love" and to seek the one thing: to sit at the feet of Jesus, being obedient to all that He requires of me.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward that which is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:12-14~

Becoming a Servant

~ Jesus called to them and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be the first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." ~ Matthew 20:25-28

Here I am rounding out the first month of my internship here in Pasadena and God has truly been teaching me so much! Going beyond growing in Discernment and Intercession, as well as the Prophetic, these past few weeks the Lord has really been showing me the value of being a servant and why that is truly one of the greatest roles in the kingdom. One of our staff members here at the prayer room has been an incredible example of this and is truly one of my heroes with her willingness to sacrifice time and even sometimes sleep to make sure that the needs of our internship are being met. Unfortunately, her family was hit with some tragedy a few weeks ago which took her away for awhile to Haiti to be with her family, yet even in the midst of that her heart was fixed on loving Jesus and loving others. When Valerie left, it opened up a door a door for me to step up for awhile and walk out my heart for serving others as well. I never realized the weight of what I was signing up for until Valerie had officially left Pasadena.

I knew that I would be sacrificing time and dying to myself in many ways, because that is what it requires to be a servant. I had already told one of the girls at our internship who is from India that I would give her rides to and from the prayer room for a few days while her room mate was out of town getting some medical tests done. I had also told her room mate that I would take her to and from the airport so she could go and get these tests done in Canada where she is originally from. Half of the girls at the Internship are from out of state or out of the country somewhere, and the other half are from right here in California. In my mind, I thought I would be doing this for a few days until Rebecca got back from Canada, along with some other small tasks afterward until Valerie came home. My Indian friend Bimla, however is a very tenacious woman and requires a lot of patience so I found myself being tested of that only a couple days into this process.Yet the more time I spent with Bimla and heard her stories of India and how she came to know Jesus and grow in relationship with Him, the more I found myself truly loving this woman and understanding what a treasure she is!

~ Bimla (Center) and Rebecca (Lower Right) with a few of the other Pulse girls! ~

Just as I got to be at peace with helping out Bimla, Rebecca returned from her medical tests in Canada, where she also had to get a biopsy while she was there, so she still needed help for a few more days. I drove both Rebecca and Bimla for the next week and as that slowed down over the weekend, God had other things  in store for me in this role yet! On Monday, Rebecca had received the results back from her surgery and medical tests. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and was told that it was aggressive. It was heavy news that hit us all very hard. Rebecca is a sister in our Pulse Internship program and feels just as strongly as the rest of us that God has called her here. I was one of the first to receive the news and from there I became a point person to encourage and help her in anyway I could. I believe with all my heart that God has given me the gift of mercy, so naturally my heart goes out to those that are hurting or in need. Rebecca was no different! As I watch Rebecca struggling with the news in the days that preceded, I also watched a woman of incredible faith in God's character and His word. Surely God wouldn't call her down to the House of Prayer in California from Canada just so that she would die! As she put it, "Lord, your name is on the line here! But let your will be done! All for your glory! No matter what happens tomorrow, I will praise Him, because He is worthy!"

I have been amazed at how God has been working in and through Rebecca in this season. God has certainly been working through my heart in all of this as well! One thing I have watched God working in Rebecca's heart is how to receive love through this process. After hearing her testimony and the things she has gone through it makes sense. She continually thanks me for being there to listen or give her rides or whatever and says she feels bad that I have to do that. I began weeping one evening while I was with her at the realization that as I have been serving and loving on her, I have felt the weight of God's love for her and how He has been using me and others in our group to reveal that to her. I shared this revelation with her as well and she began to weep in the understanding that God cares infinitely more for her- or for any of us- than we even realize! It has been a powerful experience to understand how being the hands and feet of Jesus, even in the most challenging and mundane tasks, can grow our hearts in tremendous love for those around us in which we serve. As Jesus tells his followers in Matthew 25:40, "Truthfully, whatever you have done for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

What a beautiful call that is for us as his followers as well! This is one of the many facets that Christ's glory is revealed through us as Christians unto the world! God's heart is that His fullness is put on display so that all the world will be pointed to their Savior and Lord. Truth is, I have always had a tendency to want to serve. Some may call this a servant's heart, but to tell you the truth it has been more of an obligation to performance based on the way I was raised. Don't get me wrong, being raised to serve others is a gift which I am thankful for, but if it's based on performance alone, then we miss the real blessing. It is not until our hearts are completely lined up with God's heart of love that we can serve out of that overflow. Then God is most glorified and the true gift of having a servant's heart is revealed! We are truly blessed to be called servants!

On another note: I have been encouraged as well through Rebecca's faith. God has been teaching me through her to believe for greater things and I am completely believing for a powerful testimony through her life on God's power and His healing touch. Rebecca has received a few prophetic words from people of strong prophetic gifting and conviction, some of which know very little about her, concerning her healing. She has another MRI coming up this Monday, which we are believing will confirm God's healing. We would all appreciate any prayers for God's hand on this whole journey and above all, that He would get the full and complete glory through it all! Even so, we will praise Him for His goodness and His love that He is constantly pouring out and revealing to all of us here at Pulse! Thanks for the love and support of all my readers through this journey with me as well! Greater things have yet to come! :)

"A new command I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." ~John 13:34-35