Circles. Thoughts of an Insomniac ;)

Everything feels like it's moving in circles - My memories, things from my childhood and things as I grew into my teens and memories from the most impacting things in my life. All those have lately been coming back around full circle... Thoughts from LA keep my heart busy tonight with so much love for that city and so much love for the people there... there have been several tears already tonight and I feel like as I start to venture back into all those memories as I begin writing a manuscript from my stories there, it's going to be one crazy enlightening road, and there will be still more tears. I suppose my heart could use a good stirring, a good awakening. My life is meant for more than this... for what it becomes. There is a distant shadow of fear of what that might look like, what that could mean for my life and my world right now- in this season. But I have to weigh in and find if it's all gonna be worth it in the end. Lord, I need your help figuring out what that might look like. I'm afraid I'm about to completely lose it! But isn't that what you asked of me when I made the choice to seek after and follow you? "Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."

The question is... are these circles headed toward a downward spiral or into wide, sweeping arches, expanding that territory still further and allowing me to dream bigger, to believe for things greater still? I feel like this state of mind could easily make me an Alice venturing forth into wonderland as that crazy Cheshire cat grins waiting for my next move. I feel like my heart is crying out, forcing to ask the question- "Have I gone mad?" Ah... but of course I have. Entirely bonkers. "But I'll tell you a secret....” as Alice says.... "All the best people are." Guess that's what it's gonna take: To go off the deep end, to dive in and allow you to catch me, to surrender everything and allow my heart to continually be screaming out to you... "Here I am send me!!"

I wanna have my "Yes Heart" back again. Like I did in LA, I know it's there, I know that girl is inside of me begging for any opportunity to come out. I think my pride prevents me from opening the door of my own prison and letting her come out and enjoy freedom that she has already won- through Christ. Lord, all I really want in the end is to be found in you... and to be made complete. It's only this kind of purpose- This kind of love that can do that.

God I feel that tug to be back in that city of Angels almost constantly now. Soon enough that will drive me nuts as well! If it's not already... perhaps this is evidence of that. To be that person I know that I am. To write, to sing, to love... without limitation.... I guess that is why I sit here, tired perhaps even exhausted, yet wide awake... because my heart is yearning for so much much more.

I've never stopped dreaming.

Love Letters

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts." 

♥ 2 Corinthians 3:2-3  ♥

I love slow days at work, because at my job, that means I get to do one of my favorite things in the whole world and sit back and read. I have just finished up my summer goal of reading the entire Narnia series, going back to back with my little sister who finished the books a month before I did. Ok, I'll admit it. She kicked my trash- but it's not like she had 2 youth summer camps to help lead and a full time job to keep her busy... she has cross country and books. I am glad she read the books though, which was actually the whole point of the challenge. It was one way that I figured my little sister might be open to the love of Christ and the truths of the Bible. Growing up in a Mormon home doesn't exactly allow much room for the reality of that to be presented.



 In some ways I miss those summer days when everything was so laid back and sometimes perfect, however- I loved being with the kids at camp, especially Camp Perea and every single part of this summer has taught me something valuable, up to this last week where I am learning more about having faith and patience in God's timing, and in trusting Him. With work being slow lately I've been getting a chance to fall in love with my Bible all over again and lately I've been in awe of the words that I've been reading in 2 Corinthians.



Paul writes to the Corinthian church encouraging them of his love for them and the love that Christ has for them. It is because of Christ's love that Paul is able to love the saints with such a deep and faithful love. He mentions doubts and pain, he mentions trials and persecution and yet his joy is full, and his love for the brothers and sisters of Corinth is still fuller. It's truly beautiful to see through these letters the strength that God's love gives to both be loved and to love. Both of which can be really hard at times. Hard because it requires humility and forgiveness, it requires sacrifice and dying to yourself. A lot to wrap your mind around and something I have been thinking much on lately in regards to the people in my life and how I can do better at living this out.



But the words that seemed to touch my heart the most during yesterday's reading was where he explains to his dear friends that we are in fact the love letters written upon our very hearts and we are called to be a manifestation of that truth. Letters like the ones penned from a faithful friend who loves the church and his savior more that life, but what's more... letters that are literally penned upon our hearts from before time began from the maker of our hearts and of the universe. We are known and read by everybody.

I honestly am lost in this concept of being a love letter from Jesus to the world. The Bible is one of those love letters to us, yet- he designed us to be the embodiment of that love letter to the world. Beautiful and enchanting, to bring joy and peace and encouragement- helping everyone that we meet want to know more about this love and seek out the author of these letters. Helping to stir up the desire within every heart to know and be known by God and for them to be the best version of themselves that they can possibly be- both as individuals and as they are unified within the Bride of Christ. I heard a quote once that, "You may be the only Bible some people ever read." If that is truth, then what are our lives saying to others about the love of Christ and who He is. Not only who He is to us, but who He is according to the truth of His word. What does my life say? They say actions speak louder than words. Lord, I pray that my life will be speaking volumes about your love for this world and how worthy you are of our love. Let every line of this letter which is my life- tell of your greatness for generations to come. ♥

The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

Guess Some People Just Aren't Cut Out for College Life...

Wow.... I can't believe I just finished my first week of college at The University of Montana... It's been an interesting road, filled with several challenges with many yet to come, I'm sure... but I feel just as sure as ever that this is right where God wants me to be :)

I have been working toward this vision that God planted in my heart almost 2 years ago and now I'm finally seeing it happen. I have a dorm room and a room mate who I am excited to get to know and I am moving in officially this Labor Day! Classes have been close to perfect as well with a British Lit, and an American Lit class, along with Latin- another (pseudo dream of mine) Well, most classes at least except for math ;) but even in that God has brought some wonderful connections with other students at The UM.

Today I got the chance to see some people I've known from my past, friends that have sorta faded into the background, the ones that you see the facebook posts but never really talk to anymore... and then some who you still chat with every now and then :) I love how God uses every single thing for His glory... never wastes anything. Love the challenges the homework brings and the discipline and the opportunity... hard to put into words the grandeur of this new season of my life and the adventures that are in store...

Best part of it all: After a week of school, I am beginning to connect with amazing Christian people in the Chi Alpha ministries and expand my circle. Never realized how big of a promise it was when God told me 4 years ago when I moved into the Missoula area from Hamilton that He was going to "Bless me and enlarge my territory." I'm blown away at what He's doing with it all, and I know He's not finished yet. Talking to a couple of the girls from the Chi Alpha group tonight made me very excited to see that there are other people on campus that share my vision of bringing real life changing encounters of a loving God to people at UM. To really try to walk as Jesus did in the best way we know how and continuing to grow and build one another up along the way. I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled over and over again, along with the move happening in my family as I chase after God's purpose for me.

It's been interesting to see several of my friends facebook status's about not liking college and I guess it's true that some people are not cut out for college life, as for me.... I love it! ♥

Contemplations for Today

Well this is it, feeling inspired to begin a real blog. We'll see how it goes.

There's actually a lot on my mind right now. I just finished talking to one of the girls I have been mentoring from The Connection, the youth group at my church that I have been so blessed to be able to be a part of and help lead this generation. That is so much where my heart is at. Leah and I met at a girl's sleepover at our Dani's house- our youth pastor's wife. We stayed up literally all night with a conversation that only God himself could have orchestrated. I am amazed at where that conversation has brought us both today.

I am so proud of the steps she has taken in her life since that night. I remember her very blatantly telling me that she didn't want to be labeled as a Christian because she didn't think you need a label to believe. Although I do somewhat agree there, I told her that the reason why I take that label is because Jesus was real, He was a revolutionist and changed the world. He is continuing  to change the world over 2,000 years later, and I for one want to be a part of that. Taking a label meant to be bold enough to stand up for what you believe and to let your life back it up. As she put it later in her own words, "You don't really need a title to be who you are, but it is when you give yourself a title and stand up for it and your beliefs that you can look back and not be ashamed, but smile with elation. No title is needed to be strong, to know who you are, but it IS one, public way of saying to others, 'I know who I am.' " 

I'm blown away constantly by her wisdom at such a young age, seems like she is an example of 1 Timothy 4:12, "Let no one despise or think less of you because of your youth, but be an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity."

Leah and I after her baptism 5/31/2011

I was reminded of that today as she expressed her new found joy in life since that night. She finally made that decision to follow Jesus after that night, to bear His name, and she got baptized a few weeks ago. Some very bold steps of faith in walking out this life dedicated to Christ. I couldn't be more proud of her. In fact the reason why I am writing this is because I have been blown away in these past 24 hours at the ways God has been moving in this situation. Leah has been impacting so many lives around her, so many of her friends at school have since come to The Connection and made life changes too. I had a very heartfelt talk with one of them last night after talking with another close friend of mine about the doubts of how God uses me. Then I talked with Leah about laying down ourselves to know God... her brilliant 15 year old mind and loving artistic heart was a true gift from God! She seems to understand so clearly. It's such a blessing to know her and see God's power at work in and through her. God is so faithful to keep drawing us in to Him. Thank you Leah for being a reminder of that!