The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

My Purpose: Now- For Such A Time As This

My heart is burdened tonight with the spirit of this University. My mind is flooded with so many thoughts and questions, so many feelings. Especially toward our response to the sexual assaults that have occurred. God, my heart truly breaks for what has happened to these individuals and I wish so badly that there was something tangible that I could do to help. So many have placed these walls around their hearts and I feel as though I keep running into them. I understand the self defense mechanisms in that, but I also understand the sin. The arrogance and pride that come with a hardened heart make me sick. I know that there is a lot that is unseen, so much that is a spiritual war raging around me, and I can't help but to believe that I've been placed here for such a time as this!

The atmosphere on this campus is so upsetting. So many students who feel the need to party and fill there lives with so much idolatry. The liberal mindset that tells us we are free to think and do whatever we want when we want... well we are paying for it dearly! We have set ourselves up for this! Why can't we take responsibility for our own actions, for our own sins?!

We have so many people living in fear right now. Crazy because I have felt that fear- I walked the streets of downtown LA and prayed the whole time, afraid for my life! God gave me peace... and protection. Tonight, like so many nights, I walked across campus alone, late at night, and even here- to be honest, I have felt that fear. But not tonight. Even with what has happened as of late, even with the knowledge about the dangers that we should be aware of- there was no fear. Only heart break and the voices of so many girls who are upset over "society" making us this way, making us afraid. Maybe it is society, but it is individuals that make up society, and each individual plays a role in some way or another. My fear in the past came as a result of nearly being taken advantage of, but I stood my ground. I had a voice.

Now My heart aches to think of the girls who might not have had a voice... who had perhaps been drugged or silenced in some other fashion, But this drug ridden culture here in this city has made it so easy! I've found that I'm realizing, in perfect timing- now more than ever- that I have authority over darkness. I have authority over this spirit here. Over the many spirits that choose to manifest themselves over this campus and create the oppression. The hope we have is in the promise that Jesus will trade our brokenness for something beautiful- beauty for ashes. God, I just pray that you would give me wisdom on how to be a light here. How to be a voice and a witness to the hurting and the broken. Every where I go- to my dorm, my hall, my building, my classes, all across campus!

It blows my mind to think that God looked into eternity- down the tunnel of time- and strategically placed me at the University in this season. He knew that I would be enrolling at this specific time, in this moment, created for such a time as this! Truth is, any of us that claim your name have that same authority and it's time that your army of saints begin to rise up and fight on behalf of the lost and the broken here in this city and on this campus! Now, with a new level of freedom, a new found confidence in who I am, and the authority, identity and purpose I have in Christ, I know that God has got something crazy in the works here! Jesus, I only hope we see your Spirit's leading.

♥ The Heart Of It All ♥

"Each life effects the other- the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." Ruby Pier ♥

One moment. One moment can change so much. That moment when I was presented with the possibility that nothing is in fact coincidence, I wanted to believe it- Honestly, in many ways I do... but this morning has me thinking back on a lot of my life. Remember relationships... some so beautiful that I could scarcely believe they are true and some- some so painful that I wish I could reverse time and take it all back so that it never happened. Why such thoughts? haha. I heard a quote today that hit me hard. "Strangers are but family we have yet to come to know" -Mitch Albom

My mind plunged into thoughts of all the people I have ever known and all the people yet unknown... people I have seen but never met. People like Ashley, whom I met on a Missions trip to the LA Dream Center. All this people are so dearly loved of God, and He has had our lives overlapping and linked together for a reason to make something glorious of it. I think God wants to do some deep healing in my heart. In all of our hearts- and sometimes He uses people around us to do that.

Lately I feel as though I have had a divided heart. Not in a bad way exactly, but as if I have been standing at a fork in the road for quite some time. I stand knowing that God has a purpose for me, but also that I have the choice in which path I take. This is the very heart of this blog, I think... learning to take the road less traveled, yet still stay on the path in which God leads me.

I'm standing here wondering where I need to be planted and who will be there to guide me. And even as I write this I realize I have been planted right where I need to be and God himself will guide me. I also know that God has designed me to be deeply relational and I need people in my life to help me grow, that God has planted the desires in my heart for a reason, and I so long to see them fulfilled. Time is teaching me patience, but also to be content with right now and understand the blessings I have in front of me... which surpass anything I truly could have imagined and far beyond what I deserve. I'm also seeing more and more- that the best is yet to come.

My friend Carrie once told me that I was gonna change the world. It blew my mind to think of it- still does, but I see now, each action in my life is like a ripple-effect and the more I lift up greatness in others, the more I myself will become great. That is what Christ taught, "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be a servant of all." (Mark 10:43-44) My desire is to teach others that also, because the truth is, we will all change the world in some way- we will all leave our mark. Hopefully for the better. Looking ahead to the new year in 2012, I anticipate new beginnings, new mistakes, new adventures... but not forgetting at all the past and what God has taught me. He knows the things I must carry with me ahead... on the road less travel by.

My Connection. My World.

"Really want to touch lives. Lord make me an instrument of your peace."

"With each breath my heart burns with embers sparked to life. Who I am now... God knew from the moment I was a child, that no matter how much I forced Him away, I would simply end up closer to Him than before... that as I pushed away His embrace, the safer I'd feel when I was back in His hold."

"I feel God's presence here tonight, like I did last week when He was washing me and healing me. It's good to know that God is near."

Yes, these quotes above are from the youth of my city. The kids I quoted above are all only 14/15 years old. I am amazed at the wisdom that they hold, at the unspoken sense that speaks volumes about their experience and their stories. This is just a fraction of the students I deal with almost every day. It's incredible to know what some of these kids have gone through and even what some of them deal with every single day. I am constantly reminded of a generation of beautiful, broken, and revolutionary souls that I am so blessed to have in my life. All of them are dealing with very deep hurts in their lives in some capacity or another, and all of them have phenomenal potential that I see many of them soaring to new heights of every week!

I was overwhelmed this past week with the realization of how much I love these kids. How honored I am to see them truly reaching out and making differences in their worlds. I wish I could give even just a glimpse of the things that I see them posting on their facebook, the stories I hear them tell as I give them rides home, or even the profound knowledge that I receive via hand-written letters that a couple of these girls have handed me this past Tuesday. My heart both aches at their scars and swells with pride at the things I see them walk out. Some of these things are a very difficult part of these processes in life.... some of it is the evidence that ANYONE could change the world.

Perhaps I am one of the few in this world that can honestly say without a moments hesitation that I love teenagers... every rebellious, emotional, kid who gives in to peer pressure, every awkward, smelly, ADD, stoner, scene kid and stuck up cheer leader.... Perhaps I have been cursed that God has given me this call on my life... but again, I argue that it is a blessing. One of the greatest blessings that I could ever ask for! They have taught me just as much or more than I could ever hope to teach them and I truly believe that the best part of it all is the chance to see God doing a work in their hearts and changing them from the inside out. Seeing them then take that baton and run the race set before them, reaching out to their peers and their families, and at times... even to complete strangers! This is a group of History Makers no doubt! A revolution of "kids" that are starting to grasp a hold of and believe that they can truly do ANYTHING with God's help. They truly do inspire me.

I am so blessed that I was asked about 3 and a half years ago to be a part of the youth ministry at my church. Kyle and Dani are the best youth pastors anyone could ever asked for! I am honored beyond words that I am given the opportunity week after week to be a part of what they do in reaching the youth of our city- to be a part of changing this city. These kids have capture my heart, some of them very quickly and I know that nothing can change that for me. The Connection is my life. :) Jesus is my life source, the reason I live and breathe, and eat... the reason I do what I do. My reason to serve, to love, to reach out. He is my reason to wake up in the morning. He has given every aspect of my life purpose. My family, my friends, my church, my job, my school...

This past week with these students has got me really excited for my future. It has me thinking more about the type of family I want to have... one modeled after my youth pastors and my mentors at Perea. It's got me smiling at the idea of being in a Missoula high school and getting to invest in these kids first hand and give them encouragement for their lives in the present moments and hope for their futures... I love how God has it all planned out, and He's even let me in on a lot of the secret! ;)

"Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Sharing Hope

Six Years ago a 17 year old girl sat on the floor against her bed with her journal, writting out her pain as the tears fell, a couple bottles of pills in her hands... Where was hope? The pain and the fears closed in around her until she couldn't take it anymore and in the strangest ways, thankfully fear won out this time. She fell to her knees and cried out for answers, cried out for hope. Hope answered in a caring friend, a brother... hope answered in Jesus. I was that girl, and that friend was my big brother who told me I had purpose, he showed me I was loved and that I was worthwhile... that I belonged. He told me about God.

Reflecting back on this day this week as it is just getting over National Suicide Prevention Week, and here I am... two and a half weeks into college, six years after that fateful night and my life forever changed for the better. I remember my dreams in high school to be able to be a voice- to be able to tell people like me... people who have felt alone, have hurt themselves and have drown themselves out in unhealthy relationships and behavior in hopes to find love and purpose. In hopes to escape the pain. I am discovering more and more every day that I have a voice. Whether it's in my writing or in actively sharing with people the hope I have and the discover of who I am, and helping others find themselves.

Today, here on the campus of the University I attend, a group of approx 15-20 people sat in a circle in a small room sharing personal stories of pain, stories of how suicide has affected their lives. Both students and faculty alike meeting to bring answers and hope to the hurting hearts around them. The city I live in is said to have the 3rd highest suicide rates in the U.S. and the High School having on average of 2 students a year committing suicide, and that's not even mentioning how may attemps there are, how many are living without hope.

Studies from World Health Organization show that In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 years in some countries, and the second leading cause of death in the 10-24 years age group; these figures do not include suicide attempts which are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicide. Looking at how many occur around the workd a year it equals up to about one death every 40 seconds! The age group I am most involved with as I pursue youth ministry and a career as a high school English teacher, 15-19 years show the highest hospitalized attempt rate; 13% of hospitalized attempts in the U.S. alone! We are in desperate need of HOPE!!! There is an urgency in me to wake up and reach out.. to make a change, to make a difference! To share my story and my hope that I now have in Christ.

So what do we do with this? How do we run to stop the bleeding? We know the warning signs, we make ourselves available, we care. We listen to them and we take them to the people that will help them, we show them love, we show them hope. We do as Jamie Tworkowski (Founder of the organization To Write Love on Her Arms) did. I am inspired by the story of Renee and the hope that Jaime and his friends brought to her life. That's the difference I wanna make in this generation, in my city... but even that is just the beginning...

To find out more about how to prevent suicide, knowing the warning signs and what to do to help, visit

http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/index.html

http://www.sprc.org/thismonth/index.asp

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm

To find more about Renee's story and the To Write Love on Her Arms organization, check out http://www.twloha.com/vision/