Encountering Jesus

Being quite honest, Friday was the worst day that I have had in quite some time. Every plan and hope I had fell through the roof, all because of some serious financial stress. In fact, to say these last few weeks have been challenging would be an understatement! About a month ago I was asked to help out with a benefit concert event called "Get Loud" for an organization called "Love Has Come." I wasn't entirely sure what I should be expecting, all I know is that after the kind of day I had been having and with all the stress and exhaustion I was feeling built up from the past week or so- the last thing I wanted was to go do anything! This would just be one more thing on the agenda to add to my already super hectic schedule. For about an hour after my last school commitment of the day, I argued with myself over whether or not I should go. The thing is, I made a promise and I try my best to be someone who sticks to my word.

So at about 5:30 pm, I grabbed my pumpkin white mocha and headed down to the Wilma Theater. Once I got there, no one seemed to know who I was, or how I got roped into helping... truth is, I didn't either. Most of the people there I had never even seen before... all I know is someone (who I also didn't know) asked me on the Facebook event page to help, and I said yes. It was definitely one of those moments that was totally NOT coincidence! The more I wandered around the theater in my "Get Loud" volunteer t-shirt, the more out of place I felt with the group, so I started praying... a lot and then the more I became certain of my role there. About a half an hour before the event kicked off, as I was pacing the balcony area where I was asked to help oversee the ushering, the president and founder of Love Has Come stopped me and asked how I happened to get involved and who in the group did I know. I told him that I went to school with the drummer and lead guitarist/singer of the band that they were featuring that night, but I had no idea how I wound up ushering! The woman that I spoke with on Facebook was the one who asked me and I still have no idea who she is!

I preceded to share with Marc the very things that the Lord was impressing upon my heart in that moment. How God wanted to use this event to help unify the body of Christ and how this was going to be something that helped me to understand more of the call God had on my life for both music and adoption. I shared with Marc and his wife Abby both at different points during the night that I have have had a heart for adoption, especially international adoption, since I was a child at ten years old. As the the events of the night began and worship was well underway, I began praying and worshiping. I prayed for the Love Has Come team, for those involved in the event and for those in attendance, that hearts would be open and that God's glory would shine through in every single moment!

It didn't take long before I felt a strong sense that my world was about to get seriously altered! As I proceeded in worship, I went at it! Worshiping like nothing else mattered, because in that moment, after my hellish day... nothing else did! All of my worries, doubts and fears from the day faded, all of my issues... as big as they seemed to me, were nothing in comparison to God's love and greatness!

The combination of Jesus's sweet presence along with a greater revelation of His heart for the orphaned and widowed, for the broken and the rejects...it all just made my troubles seems so insignificant compared to all the children whose faces flashed across the projection screen... Children without families and homes, children without clean water even... I did have those! Maybe not the best, but of priceless value to those who have had nothing. My heart melted more and more with each picture, each story. Each song ministered so much to my spirit, I knew that my Daddy God was right there with me, near me. I could feel His embrace and hear Him singing over me, which is exactly what my heart needed. He whispered to me,  "Megan, this is the beginning of a shift. This is it, darling! You and me, taking on the rest of the world! Your life will never be the same." Holy Spirit spoke clearly to my heart on so many levels! This past week, I had lost my sense of passion and my purpose felt nothing more than just another obligation. That night all that changed... I am hearing Papa speaking some of the same kind of things over me that He did as I sat on the bench in the foyer of the Bonnie Brae House- home of the historical Azusa Street Revival- Where I was surrounded Brad and Sarah Webster's revival group from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

That was a night I will never forget. I know tonight will be filed away in my memories forever as one of those markers along the the path of my faith walk. I was a glorious God mess most of the night- laughing, dancing, weeping, praying and praising! I feel so revived! God has picked me up in my weakest moments and extended His amazing gift of love and grace. After all, the doubts and questions during this past week, are of no consequence... as it says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." My passion has been renewed, with a greater sense of the Dreams that I already have for my life and have had since childhood, the ones that God has given me. Along with the new dream of perhaps going to Haiti to help build the orphan center with Love Has Come!

The writer Francois Mauriac said that no love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. This is truly one of those connections that I know will impact my future greatly and as crazy as it sounds, it has already impacted my present, and even my past! As I walked out of the theater at the end of the night... I looked down at my hands under the street lights and saw gold dust glimmering... all over my body! Heaven is invading my world.. and this is just the beginning. I will never be the same!

The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

My Connection. My World.

"Really want to touch lives. Lord make me an instrument of your peace."

"With each breath my heart burns with embers sparked to life. Who I am now... God knew from the moment I was a child, that no matter how much I forced Him away, I would simply end up closer to Him than before... that as I pushed away His embrace, the safer I'd feel when I was back in His hold."

"I feel God's presence here tonight, like I did last week when He was washing me and healing me. It's good to know that God is near."

Yes, these quotes above are from the youth of my city. The kids I quoted above are all only 14/15 years old. I am amazed at the wisdom that they hold, at the unspoken sense that speaks volumes about their experience and their stories. This is just a fraction of the students I deal with almost every day. It's incredible to know what some of these kids have gone through and even what some of them deal with every single day. I am constantly reminded of a generation of beautiful, broken, and revolutionary souls that I am so blessed to have in my life. All of them are dealing with very deep hurts in their lives in some capacity or another, and all of them have phenomenal potential that I see many of them soaring to new heights of every week!

I was overwhelmed this past week with the realization of how much I love these kids. How honored I am to see them truly reaching out and making differences in their worlds. I wish I could give even just a glimpse of the things that I see them posting on their facebook, the stories I hear them tell as I give them rides home, or even the profound knowledge that I receive via hand-written letters that a couple of these girls have handed me this past Tuesday. My heart both aches at their scars and swells with pride at the things I see them walk out. Some of these things are a very difficult part of these processes in life.... some of it is the evidence that ANYONE could change the world.

Perhaps I am one of the few in this world that can honestly say without a moments hesitation that I love teenagers... every rebellious, emotional, kid who gives in to peer pressure, every awkward, smelly, ADD, stoner, scene kid and stuck up cheer leader.... Perhaps I have been cursed that God has given me this call on my life... but again, I argue that it is a blessing. One of the greatest blessings that I could ever ask for! They have taught me just as much or more than I could ever hope to teach them and I truly believe that the best part of it all is the chance to see God doing a work in their hearts and changing them from the inside out. Seeing them then take that baton and run the race set before them, reaching out to their peers and their families, and at times... even to complete strangers! This is a group of History Makers no doubt! A revolution of "kids" that are starting to grasp a hold of and believe that they can truly do ANYTHING with God's help. They truly do inspire me.

I am so blessed that I was asked about 3 and a half years ago to be a part of the youth ministry at my church. Kyle and Dani are the best youth pastors anyone could ever asked for! I am honored beyond words that I am given the opportunity week after week to be a part of what they do in reaching the youth of our city- to be a part of changing this city. These kids have capture my heart, some of them very quickly and I know that nothing can change that for me. The Connection is my life. :) Jesus is my life source, the reason I live and breathe, and eat... the reason I do what I do. My reason to serve, to love, to reach out. He is my reason to wake up in the morning. He has given every aspect of my life purpose. My family, my friends, my church, my job, my school...

This past week with these students has got me really excited for my future. It has me thinking more about the type of family I want to have... one modeled after my youth pastors and my mentors at Perea. It's got me smiling at the idea of being in a Missoula high school and getting to invest in these kids first hand and give them encouragement for their lives in the present moments and hope for their futures... I love how God has it all planned out, and He's even let me in on a lot of the secret! ;)

"Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Camp Perea 2011

Wow... where do I even begin? Yesterday I just returned home from, in my opinion, the best summer camp ever! There's been so much leading up to this past week at Camp Perea and as I reflect on those things, the purpose that God was intending through it all is becoming more and more clear. During the past four years as I have watched the staff and leaders with Perea Ministries prepare for camp, I have seen so many challenges arise providing a sure opportunity for us all to put our faith in God to accomplish what He has called us to. This year, I didn't even believe that I would be able to go to camp, but I knew I needed to. Thankfully my friend Jenn is also Camp Director, and also works at the same place as me. She was not taking the work excuse as an answer, and I'm glad she didn't. I'm so blessed that my boss is an amazing woman who also loves Jesus and understood the cause for taking that time off work, she bent over backwards to make my work schedule possible for me to spend a week investing in kids who needed the love of Jesus.

First Camp Perea 2008

Time off work was just the beginning of this adventure for me in trusting God for Camp. I couldn't help but praise Him when I realized that I was only losing one day worth of pay and bills would still be paid. Another blessing shortly afterward revealed itself in problems with my car... The circumstances that God provided for me where a bit stressful and at first glace, I didn't see it as a blessing at all! I doubt very many others would have at first glance either! My car stopped running as I returned to work after I skipped my lunch to go run errands. I made it back just in time for my car to die in the parking lot with no time to worry about it then! I had to clock back on!

Through the blessings of several different friends helping to fix the car and getting rides, blessings of the alternator and battery both being replaced under warranty, and the words that God had given me in the bible and in my prayer times to not give up when the situation seemed most frustrating.... God showed me in the midst of all of this my need for Him. I had been learning of my lack of trust in Him and God used this to get me to turn to Him for answers. It didn't take long to figure out that I couldn't do it on my own!

God's timing is so perfect! After a week of my car not working and dying on me three times during that week on the way to work or home or whatever, I finally found the right person to help get the car running again. As I drove it home, I was faced with a decision concerning the next day... Do I attempt to drive my car and risk it dying on the way to work again? How will I get to camp? If I do make it to work, do I dare drive 45 minutes to camp in Stevensville? Jenn had offered to let me take her car, but I also didn't want to let fear and doubt rule over me and keep me from what God had for me. After arriving home and spending time just listening to God as I showered, I knew I had to take a step of faith and trust Him to get me to camp in my car... and He did! My car made to and from Stevensville for Camp Perea, taking one of the students home, to work last Sunday, and to and from church today, it's now running great!

I realized through this test of faith with my car, that it was also a bit of a battle leading up to camp. Yes, God used it for His glory, He always does... but it was a battle non-the-less. I praise God that through His guidance I was able to choose His will above my own :) Along with that challenge, we had only 2 students signed up for camp a week prior... the day of camp we had 11 students! God has proven faithful time and time again since Camp Perea has been running in this regard! However, I am amazed every time I see it!

There is no doubt in my mind that God brought the students that needed to be there to us. The three girls that I was given to lead were inspiring young woman that challenged me and taught me more than I think they will ever know. It was incredible to watch God move in and through them this past week. I was blown away when I saw the Holy Spirit heal some deep emotional pain that one of these girls had been carrying for over ten years! Bringing forgiveness and freedom, breaking off generational curses and so much more! That same day... that same girl had the boldness to obey the Holy Spirit and give the girls in our tents words that hit our hearts and brought the presence of God to the others that they had never known before!

That is just one of many many ways that God showed up in the lives of these three girls as well as myself, but I definitely have to say that this year at Camp Perea was one of the best yet! God taught me to truly trust Him in deeper ways, to love beyond my own ability and allow Him to have reign in my life... it's just beginning to scratch the surface but this life is so totally not about me! It's about Jesus and bringing glory to His name and His Kingdom, to love as He loved and continually obey His voice. I am blown away at His grace. Though I am so undeserving He has blessed me beyond measure and He is worthy of my life and every single praise!

Contemplations for Today

Well this is it, feeling inspired to begin a real blog. We'll see how it goes.

There's actually a lot on my mind right now. I just finished talking to one of the girls I have been mentoring from The Connection, the youth group at my church that I have been so blessed to be able to be a part of and help lead this generation. That is so much where my heart is at. Leah and I met at a girl's sleepover at our Dani's house- our youth pastor's wife. We stayed up literally all night with a conversation that only God himself could have orchestrated. I am amazed at where that conversation has brought us both today.

I am so proud of the steps she has taken in her life since that night. I remember her very blatantly telling me that she didn't want to be labeled as a Christian because she didn't think you need a label to believe. Although I do somewhat agree there, I told her that the reason why I take that label is because Jesus was real, He was a revolutionist and changed the world. He is continuing  to change the world over 2,000 years later, and I for one want to be a part of that. Taking a label meant to be bold enough to stand up for what you believe and to let your life back it up. As she put it later in her own words, "You don't really need a title to be who you are, but it is when you give yourself a title and stand up for it and your beliefs that you can look back and not be ashamed, but smile with elation. No title is needed to be strong, to know who you are, but it IS one, public way of saying to others, 'I know who I am.' " 

I'm blown away constantly by her wisdom at such a young age, seems like she is an example of 1 Timothy 4:12, "Let no one despise or think less of you because of your youth, but be an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity."

Leah and I after her baptism 5/31/2011

I was reminded of that today as she expressed her new found joy in life since that night. She finally made that decision to follow Jesus after that night, to bear His name, and she got baptized a few weeks ago. Some very bold steps of faith in walking out this life dedicated to Christ. I couldn't be more proud of her. In fact the reason why I am writing this is because I have been blown away in these past 24 hours at the ways God has been moving in this situation. Leah has been impacting so many lives around her, so many of her friends at school have since come to The Connection and made life changes too. I had a very heartfelt talk with one of them last night after talking with another close friend of mine about the doubts of how God uses me. Then I talked with Leah about laying down ourselves to know God... her brilliant 15 year old mind and loving artistic heart was a true gift from God! She seems to understand so clearly. It's such a blessing to know her and see God's power at work in and through her. God is so faithful to keep drawing us in to Him. Thank you Leah for being a reminder of that!