Saved, Healed and Delivered!

I am just about to wrap up my journey here at the Pasadena International House of Prayer for my Pulse Internship and I feel the need for this post to be a testimony of what God has been doing during this past month for inner healing. This week alone has revealed the power and love of God in ways I could previously have only imagined! For over 5 years I have been dealing with intense pain in my abdomen due to an issue with my reproductive system called PCOS. Sometimes the pain would be so bad that I would spend hours at times in the bathroom vomiting, and many nights have been spent curled into a ball on my bed, crying myself to sleep, because no matter what I did, the pain wouldn't leave. I started dealing with these issues here in California about a week ago as I was in an evening worship service for PIHOP. During worship, I felt led to pray for the Salvation of my family, since all but me and my oldest brother are still members of the FLDS church, or Fundamentalist Mormons. As I was kneeling low to the ground, interceding for personal encounters with Jesus Christ as their Savior, sharp intense pains started shouting though my body. The epicenter of the pain was my abdomen, but I noticed that sharp pain was also manifesting in my shoulder, wrist, knees, ankles, and neck as well. I tried to ignore it and focus on worship instead, but if anyone has dealt with that pain before, it's not something that can just be ignored! So I spent the rest of the evening trying to pray though it, hoping that there would be a word of knowledge about it at the end, giving me an opportunity to leave my responsibilities and receive prayer.

Needless to say... God does not work on our terms, hence, the word of knowledge never came. I had agreed to serve as part of the ministry team and as I our group was praying together before people started coming to receive from us, my group leader Suzann asked me a question. I still don't know what the question was because I was zoning out so much due to the pain. I apologized and told her I did not feel well. She and the other girl in my group prayed over me and told me to go sit down, worship and just receive from the Lord. That wasn't much better, but I couldn't go home because I had 2 girls that I had given rides to the service that I was responsible for, so I had to wait it all out. My friends Jena and Lois prayed over me as well, but nothing changed. Lois finally told me to go home and take care of myself after agreeing to take the other girls home. Unfortunately the next 3 days consisted of me staying at home alone watching netflix, with my pain and the lies in my head to keep me company.Lies saying that no one wanted to be around me or that they didn't really care. It made my weekend, quite literally a mental hell. I forced myself to go to Old Town Pasadena on Saturday to take my friend to a job interview and spent some time in Barnes and Noble which is normally like a room in heaven to me, but after about an hour, I couldn't focus on what I was trying to read, so I walked over and got my friend and went home. Monday, once again I forced myself to go to staff prayer at the house of prayer, but I spent most of the time sitting on the floor, cross-legged and begging God to take away the pain. I left and ran some errands around town and went home for awhile, to let my body have a break before forcing myself to go to the YWAM Circuit Rider's service that PIHOP was hosting that evening.

Thankfully the message was phenomenal and I got so excited about the sermon and the preaching that it was a long awaited and very welcomed distraction. My friend Lois asked me how I feeling when the service was over and I told her that I was ok, but gave more details on what was going on. She prayed for me again and asked me to grab her to pray with me if things started getting bad again. The next morning, I was still in a lot of pain and was seriously considering not going in for the internship that day. But I kept pushing myself, because I hate feeling confined or held back, and this stupid thing had held me back way too much as it was!! Little did I know that we would have a guest teacher in town, who was actually the original Pulse Director. Mandy is extremely gifted in the prophetic, healing and deliverance, so she began to teach us about a little of all of that, starting with inner healing and deliverance to help finish of the month's focus. While we were trying to receive from the Lord, the pain got really bad. I was so distracted that I could not think, let alone hear from the Holy Spirit! Mandy, looked at me and asked me what I was feeling based on our exercise. I told her that I was in a lot of pain and felt nauseous, I felt like I needed to leave. She instantly came over and laid hands on me and started praying for me. She was sensing the spiritual realm and battle I was walking though, beyond the physical or even emotional, and her prayers were definitely hitting my heart, but the pain seemed to only be getting worse. The biggest thing in my head was, "I am robbing from what the class should be learning right now."

I told Mandy I was gonna go into the other room so she could continue with class. She protested at first, but then allowed me to leave with the exception that our Pulse assistant went with me and continued to pray in tongues over me. When I got to the couch in the other room, all of the lies I had been feeling or hearing in my head had surfaced and I broke down and buried my face into the pillows and wept. I wept for probably a good 20 min or more, as Valerie stroked my hair comfortingly, praying over me the entire time. I felt someones hands come down on my side, as heat shot through my body. I heard Mandy's voice as she began praying fervently over me, breaking and rebuking as she felt led. After a few minutes, I felt my entire being succumb to peace, except my abdomen, which kept burning. Not a painful, violent burning, but a tingling, warmth- almost as if someone had placed a heat pack over me. Mandy left again into the other room after telling Valerie that I should just rest awhile and could join them in the next room, if and when I was ready to. I sat up and just received the peace of God's presence and His healing power within me. I realized that I had been carrying guilt and shame over things of my past that God had forgiven me for, but I was still holding onto. I had been afraid to allow for God's peace in it's full capacity, because I had been abused and taken advantage of the last time I allowed myself to be in that state of being. I let God bring things to light and speak His truth over me as I received His love.

Over the next few days God continued to show me areas from my past that had affected my diagnosis and condition, including things that I had spoken over myself- even unintentionally- and cursing my health. Thing like telling my Mom that I didn't want to have children when I was a teenager, fears that I had bought into that were irrational, but still very real because they were rooted in my Mormon upbringing and the lie that I would always fail. The Lord has revealed to me that there has been generational curse that come along with my upbringing in Mormonism that are more subtle than the spirit of the occult per se, but still very present nonetheless. Things like a spirit of misogyny, a spirit of poverty and a spirit of affliction. Over the next week I went through some inner healing and deliverance over these issues with my YWAM friend Jena and got some awesome breakthrough! Not just for myself, but after 4 hours of prayer between each of us, we both walked away with greater levels of freedom! With my healing and deliverance I began to understand God's love in a very practical way and it led me to want to show that same love with others, by praying for healing for their needs- physical and emotional! I saw a total of 3 physical healings in one week and 3 cases of deliverance and inner healing within a weeks time! Needless to say, I have been in awe of Christ's power and the love He has for us each as individuals and His desires to protect, care for, and provide for us! For the first time in my life I am actually believing that God can use me to be great- all for His glory!! And that is as simple as receiving Him and His love in His fullness! Loving Him, and loving the ones in front of me, whoever comes across my path- because THAT is how true revival starts, with people encountering the person of Jesus. But we must cultivate Christ in us, and fellowship with Him first and foremost!

It has been a crazy journey, still is! In fact I have been battling a lot this past week with various attacks against my voice and being a voice as God has called me to be. I know that no victory comes without retaliation, and I also know that I am entering into new realms and new battles- a lot are as a result of contending for my family and their salvation,because no longer am I satisfied with the story stopping here with me... I want God's glory in it's fullness and that means carrying it to every single person I know and seeing it brought to fruition! If you're reading this, your prayers regarding these things would be valued far greater than you could ever imagine! But even still... God is worthy! He is worthy of everything and no matter the cost, I am choosing to love Him with everything! If there is one thing this Summer Internship has taught me it is to "rooted and grounded in love" and to seek the one thing: to sit at the feet of Jesus, being obedient to all that He requires of me.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward that which is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:12-14~

The Resurrection of My Soul: A Testimony

I feel like it's beyond time I post this for those who don't already know my Story.... it's history still in the making! ;)

It was January 1, 2006. I was at home celebrating the New Year with most of my family, when the phone rang. It was my big brother, who I have been very close with since I was ten. It wasn't unusual for him to be calling, but there was something about this phone call that wasn't right. He said he had called to say he loved me, and that wasn't really that unusual either, but he had called JUST to say he loved me- I knew something was wrong. So, with my voice shaking, I asked what was going on. He told me that the night before he was partying with some friends and had gotten high, He had ended up taking way to many pills and overdosed. He told me his story of how he could feel his spirit leaving his body and knew that he was going to die, he started seeing dark spirits all around him, and knew that he had hit rock bottom. Scared beyond description, he started praying. At this point I was sobbing uncontrollably, and trying so hard not to let my brother know. I didn't want to make things worse, what he needed was support right now, but I was torn. I had been watching him drink and get high since I was in fifth grade... all I wanted was for him to stop. Like I said- it was so hard especially when I loved my brother so much. I told him that I had to go, and hung up before I couldn't control the tears anymore.

This left me devastated for a couple days and when I finally went back to school, I went to my friends, my only hope- or so I thought- for comfort. But my friends just made matters worse. They had so much Drama going on themselves, I just couldn't take it all. That hit me, too. I had gotten away from most of it, but the news of my friend Rivers- who was and still is pretty much a brother to me (whether he realizes it or not) was in the hospital because he, too, had overdose. His was an attempt to end his life. He had taken his Step Mom's Vicodin in hope that he could end his pain. My heart was breaking little by little at every situation. I'm a pretty strong girl- I had been battling depression and suicide since I was ten- but it was getting to be too much. Selfish as it seems- I couldn't take the pain anymore either- so I decided to end my life. I spent days planning, trying to find the best way, without hurting anyone, the process with the least amount of pain for all concerned, because Rivers would have been the third time that I had been hurt by the affects of suicide and I knew the feeling far too well.

Needless to say, it was impossible and after about a week- I decided I was just going to get it over with late one night when my entire family was asleep. I had been crying myself to sleep for weeks, and putting on a plastic smile for my family when I was around them, although I tried to avoid it. It was about 2 am on January 21, 2006. I took as many pills as I could hold in my hand- every single prescription and antidepressant I've ever been on, or at least was supposed to be on. (I hate pills, so I never took them and had bottles full that I never used) The river of tears poured out again before I could stop them, I broke, I finally broke completely and fell to my knees. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I was raised Mormon and had been taught about a God and prayer and such, but I never believed it, mainly because I rarely saw people practice what they preached, God always seemed so distant.

That night I had no where else to turn, and I can't explain why I thought God would help me, he never had before- the world is way to messed up to believe that God actually cared. But I poured my heart out to him that night, Every single bit. I gave him all my anger and all my pain that I had been bottling up for almost twelve years starting when I lost my baby sister when I was five. It was probably then when I had given up on any hope of a loving God. My life story pretty much proved otherwise. Anyway, in my prayer, I cried out with everything in me. I didn't know how broken I was until that night, how badly I needed a savior. I cried out to God- "WHY DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING!?! WHERE ARE YOU? THEY SAY THAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU'RE REALLY THERE- SHOW ME!!!!! SHOW ME YOU'RE REALLY THE LOVING GOD EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT!!!!!! I NEED YOU- OH! GOD- I NEED YOU!!!! ---- I prayed for hours, and I woke up the next morning hardly remembering what happened. (Probably got slain by the spirit) All I know for sure is that I felt empty- that God shaped whole in my heart was completely open, because I finally realized that everything I used to try and fill it was only temporary- my friends, my music, books, my big brother- everything- was going to let me down.

I put on my plastic smile and went to school that day, pretending that everything was okay, I was prepared to try again that night if my prayer proved empty. I returned home from School that day, Just as my brother was coming up the driveway. He seemed so happy... I hated him. How could he be so happy when the world was falling apart? He automatically noticed that something was wrong and I finally went to my bedroom with him, away from my mom, and told him that I wanted to die. He started to to cry a little, but just hugged me and said the words that changed my life. "Megan, Jesus loves you!!!"

I knew at that moment that God HAD heard my prayer. About a week later, I was reading The Message Bible that my brother had gotten me from the youth group of the church he was going to. I read the entire gospel of John, hungry for something I couldn't really describe at the time. But once I finished I realized what I needed- and that was Jesus. I realized that I had been searching for that feeling of REAL life, trying to fill that God-shaped hole, and the closest thing I ever got, was helping others. Then I realized that was exactly was what Jesus was about. If that was what made me the happiest, I was going to follow Jesus Christ. That's what I wanted to be about, too. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior that night, alone in my room. I cried myself to sleep again that night, but it was more out of joy- that emptiness, that hole in my heart was finally filled.

Jesus is my entire life and my heart now- everything I do is a living sacrifice to him. He's more real than anything else I know and Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He IS the way, the truth and the LIFE! A loving father willing to pour out his blessings on all who receive him and I pray that he touches the lives of everyone who reads this. Amen.

Camp Perea 2011

Wow... where do I even begin? Yesterday I just returned home from, in my opinion, the best summer camp ever! There's been so much leading up to this past week at Camp Perea and as I reflect on those things, the purpose that God was intending through it all is becoming more and more clear. During the past four years as I have watched the staff and leaders with Perea Ministries prepare for camp, I have seen so many challenges arise providing a sure opportunity for us all to put our faith in God to accomplish what He has called us to. This year, I didn't even believe that I would be able to go to camp, but I knew I needed to. Thankfully my friend Jenn is also Camp Director, and also works at the same place as me. She was not taking the work excuse as an answer, and I'm glad she didn't. I'm so blessed that my boss is an amazing woman who also loves Jesus and understood the cause for taking that time off work, she bent over backwards to make my work schedule possible for me to spend a week investing in kids who needed the love of Jesus.

First Camp Perea 2008

Time off work was just the beginning of this adventure for me in trusting God for Camp. I couldn't help but praise Him when I realized that I was only losing one day worth of pay and bills would still be paid. Another blessing shortly afterward revealed itself in problems with my car... The circumstances that God provided for me where a bit stressful and at first glace, I didn't see it as a blessing at all! I doubt very many others would have at first glance either! My car stopped running as I returned to work after I skipped my lunch to go run errands. I made it back just in time for my car to die in the parking lot with no time to worry about it then! I had to clock back on!

Through the blessings of several different friends helping to fix the car and getting rides, blessings of the alternator and battery both being replaced under warranty, and the words that God had given me in the bible and in my prayer times to not give up when the situation seemed most frustrating.... God showed me in the midst of all of this my need for Him. I had been learning of my lack of trust in Him and God used this to get me to turn to Him for answers. It didn't take long to figure out that I couldn't do it on my own!

God's timing is so perfect! After a week of my car not working and dying on me three times during that week on the way to work or home or whatever, I finally found the right person to help get the car running again. As I drove it home, I was faced with a decision concerning the next day... Do I attempt to drive my car and risk it dying on the way to work again? How will I get to camp? If I do make it to work, do I dare drive 45 minutes to camp in Stevensville? Jenn had offered to let me take her car, but I also didn't want to let fear and doubt rule over me and keep me from what God had for me. After arriving home and spending time just listening to God as I showered, I knew I had to take a step of faith and trust Him to get me to camp in my car... and He did! My car made to and from Stevensville for Camp Perea, taking one of the students home, to work last Sunday, and to and from church today, it's now running great!

I realized through this test of faith with my car, that it was also a bit of a battle leading up to camp. Yes, God used it for His glory, He always does... but it was a battle non-the-less. I praise God that through His guidance I was able to choose His will above my own :) Along with that challenge, we had only 2 students signed up for camp a week prior... the day of camp we had 11 students! God has proven faithful time and time again since Camp Perea has been running in this regard! However, I am amazed every time I see it!

There is no doubt in my mind that God brought the students that needed to be there to us. The three girls that I was given to lead were inspiring young woman that challenged me and taught me more than I think they will ever know. It was incredible to watch God move in and through them this past week. I was blown away when I saw the Holy Spirit heal some deep emotional pain that one of these girls had been carrying for over ten years! Bringing forgiveness and freedom, breaking off generational curses and so much more! That same day... that same girl had the boldness to obey the Holy Spirit and give the girls in our tents words that hit our hearts and brought the presence of God to the others that they had never known before!

That is just one of many many ways that God showed up in the lives of these three girls as well as myself, but I definitely have to say that this year at Camp Perea was one of the best yet! God taught me to truly trust Him in deeper ways, to love beyond my own ability and allow Him to have reign in my life... it's just beginning to scratch the surface but this life is so totally not about me! It's about Jesus and bringing glory to His name and His Kingdom, to love as He loved and continually obey His voice. I am blown away at His grace. Though I am so undeserving He has blessed me beyond measure and He is worthy of my life and every single praise!